Hi there. I know I haven't written in a while, and I apologize. I just haven't been in the blogging mood lately. I also had created other blogs in hopes of being all motivated and getting all these ideas that I had in my head down. And actually, it's not that I haven't been in the blogging mood or what; it's just that... I suppose I've been at a loss of words. I haven't known what to say. Or, rather, I did, but I couldn't bring myself to say so. I think I've been depressed for a while, and that makes me sad. I've been sad. What makes me even more sad is that I feel like I'm going to lose a best friend that I had made. The person I like. I don't know. It's been weird. Kind of. Maybe not weird, but I don't know. But that's not the thing that's been stopping me from blogging and that's not the thing that got me depressed. It's the thing that got me sad, today, but that's no biggie. Maybe. I almost actually cried because of it. But that's not the big issue either. It's not a big deal. I think the big deal is just my whole depression thing and I'm not trying to self-diagnose or anything, but I think it is depression. And I think I've been depressed since my birthday to be honest. But at this moment, school is starting tomorrow. For one, I need to remember that school starts tomorrow. Also, it's my sister's birthday. I'm afraid that I won't be as social. I'm afraid that it'll all be too much for me. I get really anxious with everyone around and I don't really like people. There are few people that I actually feel like talking to or at least tolerate talking to. I have been getting really irritated at people and I don't like it. I'm a baby and I don't like that either. I whine and complain a lot, and it's annoying, I know. I can't help it though. Or at least, I don't think I can.
Also, well, I noticed. Maybe this is getting me back into the blogging mood/blogging blogging blogging. Maybe it's just that I've needed to be depressed to blog. I've needed to not have anyone to talk to because blogging gives me an audience. Even if that is an invisible audience. I don't know who reads my blogs, nor does anyone comment or anything. Sometimes, I kind of wonder, what if it were like that show Awkward. That would be interesting, perhaps. Or creepy. If it were someone stalking me and talking to me, that might be a bit creepy. But maybe that'd be the only friend that I would have, somewhat. That's not to say that I don't have friends now. It's just that... It'd be the only friend I'd talk to. Well, that's a lie. I'd talk to people. It just wouldn't feel the same. I don't know.
I hope that, even if it's kind of an act, that in my classes, I'll be social. I'll meet people. I'll be friendly. I'll put a smile on my face and not be grouchy. I won't be as awkward, or at least not a negative awkward. I'll be silly awkward and amiable and down-to-earth. I won't get called out on, and be able to handle all my classes. I'll be motivated to learn and study hard. I'll settle down in my dorm and clean it up and prepare it. I'll make it organized and livable. I'll be comfy.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to reassure myself now. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I don't want to talk to people, but I guess I sort of do. I don't want to worry my friends and I don't want to alienate myself from them. I don't want to be anti-social, but I also need time (I think) to recuperate or something. I need to prepare myself to be like who I was. Or something like that. I want to be happy. I want to be comfortable with who I am. I want to be successful and not have to worry about money or owing people, or being awkward with people. I don't know. I want to not burn bridges, but also not feel obligated to do things. Or keep in contact with people. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be whiny. I don't want to feel lost.
I don't know. I suppose I just have to do. And force myself to do. I can do this. I can do this. I can handle life and the world and obstacles. I will handle all of it. Tomorrow will be a good day. The future will be good. Things will work out.
