Apologies

Hi there. I know I haven't written in a while, and I apologize. I just haven't been in the blogging mood lately. I also had created other blogs in hopes of being all motivated and getting all these ideas that I had in my head down. And actually, it's not that I haven't been in the blogging mood or what; it's just that... I suppose I've been at a loss of words. I haven't known what to say. Or, rather, I did, but I couldn't bring myself to say so. I think I've been depressed for a while, and that makes me sad. I've been sad. What makes me even more sad is that I feel like I'm going to lose a best friend that I had made. The person I like. I don't know. It's been weird. Kind of. Maybe not weird, but I don't know. But that's not the thing that's been stopping me from blogging and that's not the thing that got me depressed. It's the thing that got me sad, today, but that's no biggie. Maybe. I almost actually cried because of it. But that's not the big issue either. It's not a big deal. I think the big deal is just my whole depression thing and I'm not trying to self-diagnose or anything, but I think it is depression. And I think I've been depressed since my birthday to be honest. But at this moment, school is starting tomorrow. For one, I need to remember that school starts tomorrow. Also, it's my sister's birthday. I'm afraid that I won't be as social. I'm afraid that it'll all be too much for me. I get really anxious with everyone around and I don't really like people. There are few people that I actually feel like talking to or at least tolerate talking to. I have been getting really irritated at people and I don't like it. I'm a baby and I don't like that either. I whine and complain a lot, and it's annoying, I know. I can't help it though. Or at least, I don't think I can.
Also, well, I noticed. Maybe this is getting me back into the blogging mood/blogging blogging blogging. Maybe it's just that I've needed to be depressed to blog. I've needed to not have anyone to talk to because blogging gives me an audience. Even if that is an invisible audience. I don't know who reads my blogs, nor does anyone comment or anything. Sometimes, I kind of wonder, what if it were like that show Awkward. That would be interesting, perhaps. Or creepy. If it were someone stalking me and talking to me, that might be a bit creepy. But maybe that'd be the only friend that I would have, somewhat. That's not to say that I don't have friends now. It's just that... It'd be the only friend I'd talk to. Well, that's a lie. I'd talk to people. It just wouldn't feel the same. I don't know.
I hope that, even if it's kind of an act, that in my classes, I'll be social. I'll meet people. I'll be friendly. I'll put a smile on my face and not be grouchy. I won't be as awkward, or at least not a negative awkward. I'll be silly awkward and amiable and down-to-earth. I won't get called out on, and be able to handle all my classes. I'll be motivated to learn and study hard. I'll settle down in my dorm and clean it up and prepare it. I'll make it organized and livable. I'll be comfy.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to reassure myself now. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I don't want to talk to people, but I guess I sort of do. I don't want to worry my friends and I don't want to alienate myself from them. I don't want to be anti-social, but I also need time (I think) to recuperate or something. I need to prepare myself to be like who I was. Or something like that. I want to be happy. I want to be comfortable with who I am. I want to be successful and not have to worry about money or owing people, or being awkward with people. I don't know. I want to not burn bridges, but also not feel obligated to do things. Or keep in contact with people. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be whiny. I don't want to feel lost.
I don't know. I suppose I just have to do. And force myself to do. I can do this. I can do this. I can handle life and the world and obstacles. I will handle all of it. Tomorrow will be a good day. The future will be good. Things will work out.

Blinded in the Flurry of Flusters

Wellp. So, I realize that I really should check up about using names. Ohmahgahs. But yeah, so there's a difference from when I type in a word document and when I actually blog. Oh no's. Manmanmanman. MAN. I was just so overwhelmed and blogging makes it better, but I guess sometimes it doesn't. Or at least... I don't know. I don't know. But, talking helps for me. I'm glad I have a few friends that I can talk to. Friends. Friends. Merp. I don't know.
I now feel awkward. But I guess hopefully it'll pass. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
*awkward turtles my way outta here*

Overwhelmedness

Similar to my Lackluster post:

I wish my stream of consciousness could just write itself. Like, if I close my eyes (which I will do starting now to see how that goes for a while): This is taking a while to actually get some thoughts I guess. But, I’m just listening to some music right now, just being absorbed in the music… I think one thing that’s sort of been troubling me, but not really troubling me is the show that was on in the plane on my way back home. From Washington Dulles to San Diego. There was this show with like two different families – there was something about an adopted brother who changed his name, but it was originally Ryan and he liked pudding skins for some reason. And there was another family where I think the parents were dating (one girl’s dad, and another girl’s mom). I think one of the girl’s name was Tess. OH. The actress from Weeds is in it. That was the daughter of Celia Rhodes. Cool. Now I’m going to look it up and hopefully find it. OKAY! It’s Suburgatory. Cool. Yay! I might watch it…

So, I actually opened my eyes for a while and googled things if you hadn’t noticed. I also actually kind of cheat by opening my eyes to make sure I’m spelling things right (shhh). But anyways, something else that’s sort of been troubling me is that I think I might actually like one of my friends. Not that it’s a bad thing… But I feel as if we’re talking as if we were already in a relationship… Which I think is weird. But it’s also not that I dislike it, but I don’t know… I suppose I’m kind of a hedonist where I am going to do what I do, what I want to do, because I’m selfish perhaps… I don’t know what my friend thinks about the whole thing… He dislikes talking about his past girlfriends/flings, and I feel like I’m almost at the point where I might become emotionally attached. It’s not that I’m disregarding his feelings, but I just don’t know how he actually feels… I like him… I think I really do. I enjoy talking to him and everything, but I don’t want to tire of him and I don’t want him to tire of me, and I don’t want to do something rash or anything… I don’t know. I’m nervous to see him when I head back. I already changed the flights and everything. I want to pack already. I want to hang out with him already, but I don’t want to be clingy or anything…

So, I’m going to be hanging out with my ex tomorrow, or at least, that’s the plan. If he hadn’t changed at all, knowing him, he’d cancel last minute or something, but maybe he has changed. I don’t know. I’m sort of nervous. I feel like something might happen… I might want something to happen. He was saying something about how you can’t really go back after having seen me naked already – aka the sexual tension is going to be there. Which, I suppose means that he still wants to have sex with me, but since he has his girlfriend, he feels as though he shouldn’t. But, I don’t really care about her. I kind of feel the same way, but with my friend that I like I suppose, as if he were my boyfriend, but he’s not… But, yeah… I also think about having sex with my ex… Which I think is bad… But, I suppose we’ll see what happens tomorrow. We’re going to be meeting at Lestat’s on Park I suppose. Even if my ex doesn’t go, I could just read and have coffee and stuff, so I suppose that’s cool. Or whatever. Though, I would hope we could… have sex. I think his parents would be working seeing how it’s Wednesday at 1:30, and perhaps his brother would also be at school so we could have sex at his house, perhaps… That would be ideal…. And how I’m also hanging out with my ex's brother some other time… Like maybe next week…

AHHH. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MYSELF? Ugh….

Going to the casino makes me uneasy because I dislike losing money, but I enjoy winning money. I don’t like spending money, but I do. I don’t know. I get a bit anxious because I feel like it’s just bad news when you lose money. I don’t know. I don’t know. I didn’t feel well the first time, but maybe this time I can have coffee and stuff. That’ll be good.

Living in the Shadow of My Sister’s Prettiness

So, I suppose I’m not exactly ugly, but my sister’s pretty. Prettier than I am. If I’m even considered pretty. And I mean, it’s not even just her. A lot of people are pretty. Prettier than me. I suppose I only can rely on my “inner beauty” aka my sarcasm and dry humor for people to hopefully be interested in the slightest of me. But yeah. So, my sister’s pretty and has always been prettier than me. And that makes me self-conscious. And it’s not a bad thing that she’s prettier than I am, but she just also possesses all these qualities that people tend to like. She’s a good gamer, she’s nice, she’s pretty, she has common sense. I don’t know. There’s just a lot to live up to and I’m not sure I can do that. I have my own way of doing things and I’m not the brightest person ever. I’m not the prettiest, I’m not the most interactive or social person.

Becoming Unresponsive

It’s not that I want to be, but it sort of just happens where I become unresponsive to things. Like... when my family brings up things that I don’t want to talk about. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about such things, but the way they react to things. Like the people I hang out with. The things I do. The money situation. What I want to do. How I’m handling things. I don’t know. I just can’t handle things I guess. I don’t know what to say or how to say it well. I just sort of detach myself to these situations because what am I supposed to do? I am going to do what I do and if they don’t like that, then that’s that. I’m not really one to change myself to cater to people. I’m not going to transfer to a West Coast school if I don’t want to be here.

Even though it’s unfair to my family, I want to do what I want to do. I don’t understand how they can talk to me about things such as the financial situation, but I can’t talk about things with them.

Money vs. Happiness

My family’s been trying to convince me (it seems) to go to some school in California because we’re almost unable to fund me going to Penn State and this makes me sad. The thing is, I’m not happy on the West Coast. Not only that, but I’ve made friends on the East Coast and it’s not just because of the friends I’ve made that I’m happy there. I don’t know what to do because they’ve been bombarding me with what I want to do. Is my happiness at the expense of not pulling my family into an abysmal spiral of debt? Am I supposed to live in this unhappy, timeless state with the inability of getting nowhere in the world? Maybe the reason why I haven’t even been feeling well has just been me being in San Diego. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to put my family in debt either. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave my friends. I don’t want to leave my best friend. I don't want to leave my happiness.

Why is life so hard? I can’t speak. I can’t breathe. I am unwell. I cannot get through life. I push people away. I need help, but there isn’t anyone to help me. There’s no one in the world to help me. I am drowning. I am sinking to the bottom. I may forever be stuck in a place where I cannot be free. Just as I thought I was getting somewhere, it’s being crumpled, sucked back. I’m forever stuck in this cycle. Helpless…

The Pressures of the Family

I cannot handle my family. And that’s not their fault. It’s not. I just… can’t. I’m not the same as them. I feel suffocated and cooped up. I almost made it out alive.

I just want to be enveloped in the darkness right now. I can to curl up and let the pitch black absorb my being, for it to blanket me. I want to shut out the rest of the world for the moments of me picking myself up. For the pieces to be put back together.

I am glad I did not go get sushi with my sister now, looking in retrospection, a few hours later. If I had known that she was going to have a straight talking with me, with no escape, I would not have gone. I am glad it didn’t happen. I would not be able to handle that. Instead, I probably would’ve actually cried tonight. I would have become unresponsive and crying. A cry baby. I would have sat there in the dim  lighting, eating sushi with my sister who needed to have a talk with me because my dad talked to her. She doesn’t mean to make me feel bad. She doesn’t mean to convince me otherwise, but I will have bawled. I would have thought about the friends I would be leaving. The disappointment in my family. The strains. The financial struggle. I would have fell into the gutter. I would have buried myself in a place where I would not be able to return. A place where April would not exist anymore. We would have been there. The silence growing. The crying growing. The feeling of not belonging, the feeling of not being of there. How did I come this far? Why am I so different? Why is it that I do not feel like I am a part of my family, yet we are tied by these things?

Lackluster

So, here's really just a bunch of random thoughts I've had recently:

I’ve been in a really weird place lately. Things get good, then they get weird, then they get bad. I feel like I’m not really living my life anymore. I have emotions, then I turn them off, or they disappear. I don’t want these emotions, but at the same time, don’t we need emotions to live life to the fullest?

I’ve been wanting to blog, but I feel unable to because I don’t know what to say. I don’t really know what to say or do anymore… I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life anymore. I don’t have any straight thoughts.

When I first got to San Diego, I was dreading it. I was thinking that if my dad picked me up, I would probably run and hug him, crying, but what happened was that he had a dental appointment and he said my cousin would pick me up, but what ended up happening was my uncle picked me up instead. And that was awkward.

Apparently, it was a surprise to my family that I came back, which is a good thing. It means that my dad could keep a secret. That’s good.

Anyways, I hung around the donut shop for a while and then I headed to downtown to get New Found Glory tickets for my sister. I was also going to try to get Tame Impala and/or Jimmy Eat World tickets too, but they ended up being sold out, which is lame.

The bus now fared $7 for a day pass which is stupid. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? There’s something about a compass card too? Meh.

Anyways, I saw a performer on the bus. He had his unicycle and apparently a chainsaw in his backpack.

I was just being overwhelmed with San Diego. It’s like the transition from San Diego to Philly, but in this case, it’s the transition from State College to San Diego… People are judge-y or mean or inconsiderate or what. I mean, sure, it could be better than other places, but in comparison to Penn State and State College and my experiences there, it’s just too much… I don’t fit in. I never fitted in. What am I doing here?

I don’t even live here anymore. My sister said so. All my things are packed. It all feels so foreign. So familiar, yet so foreign. I don’t know what to do with myself. I say I’m going to blog, but that doesn’t really happen. I say I’m going to read, but that doesn’t really happen. I say I’m going to do all these great things, I say I have all this time, but I’m not, I don’t.

There’s the feeling of things being the same, but at the same time things are different. There’s the forced feeling of things never changing. Things being the same as if you never left, but you know things are different because my family is acting this way for a reason. They’re buttering me up. Well, maybe not buttering me up, but they’re being too nice. Not that it’s a bad thing. But, it’s as if the only reason they were being nice was because I’ve been away for so long. They don’t want me to leave, but I don’t belong here. I belong somewhere free. Somewhere.

It feels squished here. I don’t really know what to make of it. The house is the same. My family is the same. But, to me, it feels like a suffocating, stagnant place. Things move too slowly. We’re not in a slow-motion picture here, but we are. Compared to what I was up to while I was away. I realize how much I’ve changed in such a little time. The difference might be the pace. It might be the difference between the East and the West Coast, but is it really?

I think there are a couple of reasons why I haven’t been blogging lately. Part of it might just be because I’ve actually found people that I can talk to, where by the time I would blog such things, I’ve already talked about it to people who I believe truly care, and that’s already enough for me. When I’ve thought about it before, it would seem that the main reason I blog is to write to the invisible audience who really ends up just being myself, but for the reassuring thought that at least it’s out there, or someone knows about it (with “it” being my thoughts, conflicts, or what-have-you).

I think I’ve also been feeling pretty helpless. What am I supposed to do with myself? What am I doing with myself? I’m not really sure. I say I’m going to do things, but I don’t know if I really am. I’m supposed to finish a scarf for my friend so then we can hang out and all that, but I haven’t even done anything. Does that mean I don’t want to hang out with them? *sigh* I hope it doesn’t, because I do… I just… Scarf… I don’t know. There are so many things that I want to do, but I’m in such a weird mindset to just do them. I don’t feel myself… But I suppose I never knew who I was either. I don’t know who I am. What kind of person am I? What kind of person do I want to be? Who am I?

What Have I Come To?

So, I know I haven't blogged here for a while, but I suppose it's just that I haven't a clue what to write about, or how to write in this blog again. I've also been trying to figure things out, outside of blogging because I'm creating so many blogs. I apologize for that. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to blog because I think there's a vulnerability that I'm putting myself into by creating so many different blogs, by trying to be more open. It's not that I'm against being open, but I think I'm hesitant or something... I think I enjoy the veil and air of mystery behind this blog. But now, that's sort of lost in the jumbles of trying to get everything out there. This blog used to be about my day-to-day college happenstances, my life, my thoughts, but now it's just here... Ready to be lain to rest, but not really. I can't put this blog to rest. I like it too much. This is the blog that got me to enjoy writing, to enjoy blogging, to help me get to the way I am today. The way I am now. It's all muddled with all the muddlings, but I still pride myself in this blog. Through the year, it's seen me develop as an individual. It's been there to see my different styles of writing. Been there to help me talk to someone, when I've felt like no one's there. It's been there in my franticness and all. It's accepted me. It's helped me feel poetic.
I wish I could write more, but I'm at a loss for words. At a road block. Traveling down a road where the tumbleweeds pass by. I don't know really.... I'm hoping there's something in this blog that I can get back, or start anew. But, until next time...

My Body Definitely Hates Me

Lucky for this gal, just as I was having fun with my friends for my birthday, I started feeling like shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. That's always a fun thing, right? The feeling of not wanting to eat, and not wanting to do anything and working on 3 hours of sleep and feeling light-headed and woozy and seeing things and stuff. Maybe partially it's my fault. Maybe my body and I, we're in a love-hate relationship. I'm not quite sure. I try to feed it all of its supplements, I try to feed it food, and all it does is go: Nope. Nope. You actually might want to throw up now. You want fresh air, but you can't move fast. You can't move slow. You can't even lie down. Sucker. Sucks fo' youuu.
Let's see... I ate very little today. A bite of a slice of pizza, a couple of pieces of broccoli and rice, a couple of pieces of mandarin orange slices, and a carrot. For lunch. Not sure if anything else was involved besides a couple of sips of strawberry banana smoothie and water. BUT this was not my fault because my mouth does not want to cooperate with my stomach and in the end, I could only eat so much. Later on, I had a veggie burger... and FINISHED it. On top of this veggie burger was lettuce and provolone cheese and pickles and it was dipped with ketchup, mayo, and A1 sauce. Yummy. Glad I got to eat that. Then a bit later, I ate a bit of cake (for my late birthday). And then, it got to the point where I hadn't eaten anything for about 3 hours, but I had juice (orange peach mango with passion fruit syrup), and then had 2 semi-fries and some water. At that point, I was already feeling a bit under the weather and felt the want/need to throw up. Did that happen? ...Not yet. Hopefully just not.
Anyways, I suppose I shall head in to sleep, and perhaps I shall blog some more later. Way to end the day!
Good night all. Best wishes. Lots of love. Sleep well, be merry, and a bunch of other happy things!

Melancholic Mishaps

So, to no surprise, I'm back in a fairly depressed state. That isn't to say I am depressed or not, but I'm just a bit sad. Things haven't been going well for me and today just overwhelmed me and kicked me in the butt. I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later, so I guess better now than later? Perhaps. I don't know. I'm just in a weird... place.
Not really sure what to say, but I suppose I might write more later. Just thinking a lot. In a different way than I have been.