Overwhelmedness

Similar to my Lackluster post:

I wish my stream of consciousness could just write itself. Like, if I close my eyes (which I will do starting now to see how that goes for a while): This is taking a while to actually get some thoughts I guess. But, I’m just listening to some music right now, just being absorbed in the music… I think one thing that’s sort of been troubling me, but not really troubling me is the show that was on in the plane on my way back home. From Washington Dulles to San Diego. There was this show with like two different families – there was something about an adopted brother who changed his name, but it was originally Ryan and he liked pudding skins for some reason. And there was another family where I think the parents were dating (one girl’s dad, and another girl’s mom). I think one of the girl’s name was Tess. OH. The actress from Weeds is in it. That was the daughter of Celia Rhodes. Cool. Now I’m going to look it up and hopefully find it. OKAY! It’s Suburgatory. Cool. Yay! I might watch it…

So, I actually opened my eyes for a while and googled things if you hadn’t noticed. I also actually kind of cheat by opening my eyes to make sure I’m spelling things right (shhh). But anyways, something else that’s sort of been troubling me is that I think I might actually like one of my friends. Not that it’s a bad thing… But I feel as if we’re talking as if we were already in a relationship… Which I think is weird. But it’s also not that I dislike it, but I don’t know… I suppose I’m kind of a hedonist where I am going to do what I do, what I want to do, because I’m selfish perhaps… I don’t know what my friend thinks about the whole thing… He dislikes talking about his past girlfriends/flings, and I feel like I’m almost at the point where I might become emotionally attached. It’s not that I’m disregarding his feelings, but I just don’t know how he actually feels… I like him… I think I really do. I enjoy talking to him and everything, but I don’t want to tire of him and I don’t want him to tire of me, and I don’t want to do something rash or anything… I don’t know. I’m nervous to see him when I head back. I already changed the flights and everything. I want to pack already. I want to hang out with him already, but I don’t want to be clingy or anything…

So, I’m going to be hanging out with my ex tomorrow, or at least, that’s the plan. If he hadn’t changed at all, knowing him, he’d cancel last minute or something, but maybe he has changed. I don’t know. I’m sort of nervous. I feel like something might happen… I might want something to happen. He was saying something about how you can’t really go back after having seen me naked already – aka the sexual tension is going to be there. Which, I suppose means that he still wants to have sex with me, but since he has his girlfriend, he feels as though he shouldn’t. But, I don’t really care about her. I kind of feel the same way, but with my friend that I like I suppose, as if he were my boyfriend, but he’s not… But, yeah… I also think about having sex with my ex… Which I think is bad… But, I suppose we’ll see what happens tomorrow. We’re going to be meeting at Lestat’s on Park I suppose. Even if my ex doesn’t go, I could just read and have coffee and stuff, so I suppose that’s cool. Or whatever. Though, I would hope we could… have sex. I think his parents would be working seeing how it’s Wednesday at 1:30, and perhaps his brother would also be at school so we could have sex at his house, perhaps… That would be ideal…. And how I’m also hanging out with my ex's brother some other time… Like maybe next week…

AHHH. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MYSELF? Ugh….

Going to the casino makes me uneasy because I dislike losing money, but I enjoy winning money. I don’t like spending money, but I do. I don’t know. I get a bit anxious because I feel like it’s just bad news when you lose money. I don’t know. I don’t know. I didn’t feel well the first time, but maybe this time I can have coffee and stuff. That’ll be good.

Living in the Shadow of My Sister’s Prettiness

So, I suppose I’m not exactly ugly, but my sister’s pretty. Prettier than I am. If I’m even considered pretty. And I mean, it’s not even just her. A lot of people are pretty. Prettier than me. I suppose I only can rely on my “inner beauty” aka my sarcasm and dry humor for people to hopefully be interested in the slightest of me. But yeah. So, my sister’s pretty and has always been prettier than me. And that makes me self-conscious. And it’s not a bad thing that she’s prettier than I am, but she just also possesses all these qualities that people tend to like. She’s a good gamer, she’s nice, she’s pretty, she has common sense. I don’t know. There’s just a lot to live up to and I’m not sure I can do that. I have my own way of doing things and I’m not the brightest person ever. I’m not the prettiest, I’m not the most interactive or social person.

Becoming Unresponsive

It’s not that I want to be, but it sort of just happens where I become unresponsive to things. Like... when my family brings up things that I don’t want to talk about. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about such things, but the way they react to things. Like the people I hang out with. The things I do. The money situation. What I want to do. How I’m handling things. I don’t know. I just can’t handle things I guess. I don’t know what to say or how to say it well. I just sort of detach myself to these situations because what am I supposed to do? I am going to do what I do and if they don’t like that, then that’s that. I’m not really one to change myself to cater to people. I’m not going to transfer to a West Coast school if I don’t want to be here.

Even though it’s unfair to my family, I want to do what I want to do. I don’t understand how they can talk to me about things such as the financial situation, but I can’t talk about things with them.

Money vs. Happiness

My family’s been trying to convince me (it seems) to go to some school in California because we’re almost unable to fund me going to Penn State and this makes me sad. The thing is, I’m not happy on the West Coast. Not only that, but I’ve made friends on the East Coast and it’s not just because of the friends I’ve made that I’m happy there. I don’t know what to do because they’ve been bombarding me with what I want to do. Is my happiness at the expense of not pulling my family into an abysmal spiral of debt? Am I supposed to live in this unhappy, timeless state with the inability of getting nowhere in the world? Maybe the reason why I haven’t even been feeling well has just been me being in San Diego. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to put my family in debt either. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave my friends. I don’t want to leave my best friend. I don't want to leave my happiness.

Why is life so hard? I can’t speak. I can’t breathe. I am unwell. I cannot get through life. I push people away. I need help, but there isn’t anyone to help me. There’s no one in the world to help me. I am drowning. I am sinking to the bottom. I may forever be stuck in a place where I cannot be free. Just as I thought I was getting somewhere, it’s being crumpled, sucked back. I’m forever stuck in this cycle. Helpless…

The Pressures of the Family

I cannot handle my family. And that’s not their fault. It’s not. I just… can’t. I’m not the same as them. I feel suffocated and cooped up. I almost made it out alive.

I just want to be enveloped in the darkness right now. I can to curl up and let the pitch black absorb my being, for it to blanket me. I want to shut out the rest of the world for the moments of me picking myself up. For the pieces to be put back together.

I am glad I did not go get sushi with my sister now, looking in retrospection, a few hours later. If I had known that she was going to have a straight talking with me, with no escape, I would not have gone. I am glad it didn’t happen. I would not be able to handle that. Instead, I probably would’ve actually cried tonight. I would have become unresponsive and crying. A cry baby. I would have sat there in the dim  lighting, eating sushi with my sister who needed to have a talk with me because my dad talked to her. She doesn’t mean to make me feel bad. She doesn’t mean to convince me otherwise, but I will have bawled. I would have thought about the friends I would be leaving. The disappointment in my family. The strains. The financial struggle. I would have fell into the gutter. I would have buried myself in a place where I would not be able to return. A place where April would not exist anymore. We would have been there. The silence growing. The crying growing. The feeling of not belonging, the feeling of not being of there. How did I come this far? Why am I so different? Why is it that I do not feel like I am a part of my family, yet we are tied by these things?