Restlessness, Is It?

I cannot for the life of me fall asleep. And I can't frackin' stop picking at my hair, goshdarnit. I'm laying in a puddle of my own self-loathing. But not really. And that would've been metaphorical or figurative anyway.
So, as I'm continuously and constantly destroying my scalp and hair, I'm wasting away the time I could be sleeping. And this really isn't because I want to, but because I just can't sleep. For one, my nose or whatever is being a pain because for the past couple weeks, I've felt this thing at the back of my throat, as if I can't breathe fresh air. It's probably just mucus or whatever, but really. It's annoying. I just want to breathe. Fresh air!
My stomach has been hungry for the past 4 hours or so. It's been growling and being hungry. Should I have just eaten? Maybe that's why I can't sleep. But I still don't want to give into my stomach. Stay strong!
*sigh* Anyway, so I've almost finished one book during the gist of my spring break - Ellen's Seriously... I'm Kidding. I've also been pondering about celebrities. Like who manages their accounts on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and things like that. Also, how many people try to impersonate celebrities and why do they do it? Why haven't any of my favorite celebrities replied to my tweets? Especially when it obviously seems like they've been replying to other fans.
Loaded Questions: Why am I fat? Why do I hate myself so much? Why am I a hypochondriac? Why am I so paranoid? Why am I so sensitive? Why am I so fairly emotionless? Why am I apathetic and ambivalent? Why aren't I smart? Why can't I focus on things? Why do I think so much? Why aren't I better at things like juggling, writing, maths stuff, sciences stuff, also aka anything really? Why is everyone so mean to me? Am I really going to become a whore like everyone seems to be saying? Will I get any sleep tonight? (I hope so! Otherwise, I'd probably be pretty dead). Am I going to get a boyfriend soon? Why am I so self-conscious? Why am I embarrassed of my own body? Why do I waste so much money?
So many, so many thoughts. But it's hard to track them all down.
I think I should drink more water. Wait. I KNOW I NEED/SHOULD DRINK MORE WATER. I'm lucky if I happen to drink 2 cups of water in a day.
I think I'm going to research more about supplements.
I might try to sleep soon too so then I can wake up earlier and take a shower and fix my hair and my attitude and be more proactive and stuff like that.
Anyways, cheers to y'all. Hope y'all are doing better. Sleeping well. Having sweet dreams. Being confident. Being awesome. Having great days. Being well-rounded or even specialized in a specific field.
Also. A song that I've had on repeat: Iron & Wine - Flightless Bird, American Mouth.

Bye-Bye-Bye

In regards to Spring break, that is. 'Tis the end of this break. One sweet, sweet break. But, not really. I mean, I got high twice, hung out with some friends, and was bored. I procrastinated on work. It was fairly alright, I guess.
Anyways, so I've been thinking. Well, duh, I guess. But I've been thinking of things like music (people started getting me thinking of specifics of music - aesthetic, instruments, sounds, etc.), homework/work/schoolwork/school/etc. (all that work I procrastinated on and how much work I'm going to need to do), "'murica" (because we're pretty dumb, but so are people in general - sorry general population, but you should know it's true), friends (things I would like to make for my friends - bracelets, scarves, etc. - as well as things such as what constitutes a friendships and the sprouting of new friendships and such), and going back home (oh man, how am I going to get all my stuff back home? Am I going to be leaving anything here? - as in my friend's house or something, that is).
I'm starting to sort of get anxious about all this stuff. Man, man, man. Thinking so much. I'm not quite sure I like it. Wellp, it's quite hard to focus right now, so I shall be taking some supplements and hopefully start being more productive.
Check in next time!
(By the way, that last post I made was really, really, really long, and descriptive, perhaps?)

Walmart Challenge

“Cinnamon gets my rock off every time”

Time: 2:58AM – Just got back from Walmart. We are sitting or moving around in the living room of my friend’s apartment.

Time: 2:50AM – Just entered the apartment. I had checked facebook and I think if I remember correctly, Bart had sent me a message at 7PM-ish with a face – like eyebrow.

Time: 2:27AM – Checking in at the register. My friend goes first to check his stuff out. It was nice of him to buy the teas and one cereal. So I guess some of the pills were his not that I was really paying attention to that. The people behind us in line were really annoying. I think it was a guy and a girl. A gay guy? I didn’t check. It was awkward.

Time: 3:01AM – Offered cereal. Yes, I shall have some cereal.

Time: 1:20AM – first time check – don’t quite remember what happened

Time: 1:24AM – started walking to walmart.

Time: 1:46AM – arrived at walmart and looked at the fruits section. My friend got apples and oranges.

Time: 1:52AM – started looking at things such as teas – picked out which ones I would get – ended up with something like Vanilla Chai and Honey Vanilla Chamomile. Saw that vanilla chai is a black tea. Second highest caffeine.

Time: 1:59AM – checked out crackers. Forgot which one we ended up getting. Ritz whole wheat? Looked at Club and the other one.

Time: 2:05AM – looked at chocolate. Got dark chocolate (well, my friend did at least)

Time: 2:15AM – Macklemore started playing. Thriftshop. Then we were also looking at the supplements. Ended up getting some. Then getting caffeine.

Then we got milk and then headed to the register. Slowly.
Time: 3:06AM – Now, back at the apartment. About to eat cereal.

The paranoia that rises when one smokes. It’s really intense. Seriously. Apparently, if I remember correctly, my friend and I are going to smoke cigarettes some time. There was some talk about picking up cigarette butts off the ground to smoke them still (if I remember correctly). Let’s see how this night started off (it is now the following morning – so this is all in retrospect and may or may not be accurate).

Before heading to Walmart. Smoking through a bong. Not really feeling anything, so I decided to lie down on the bed so that my head was hanging off. Closed my eyes, breathed in deeply, or tried to at least. Started feeling the effects. Not as bad as the last time. At some point, I used the bathroom. We were in the living room. I asked for water. I chose a brown plastic cup. (This might have been after we got back from Walmart actually). We’re doing a different version of the backward dog. Is that what it’s called? Or is it like upside down dog? I’m not sure. That one yoga pose though. There’s something about the blood flowing to your head and something about carbon dioxide opening your blood vessels. It took us a while to actually get to Walmart. Meh. It was fun though, yet scary. The walk there… and the walk back… is terrifying. I get so paranoid that there might be some serial killer on the loose just waiting for us. And how would we react? Two high kids unaware of what’s going on. Would I be able to feel the knife slice my arm? Who knows. Good thing I’m still alive though.  Well, we’re still alive. In the first couple minutes of walking, we passed by two people near the bus stop. And I didn’t want them to know that we weren’t sober, so I kept my distance. But, anyway. So, we walked to Walmart and got a cart. I kept my purse/bag on my persons because I didn’t feel it was safe enough to put in the cart. If someone stole it, I wouldn’t have been able to do much. Only one side of the store  (doors speaking) was open. It was like one in the morning so that makes sense. When we got to the tea aisle, we encountered our first person (pretty much). It was a Walmart employee and it totally seemed like he was staring. “He knows!” But anyway, we spent a while looking at teas. I was trying to figure out which ones I would actually enjoy trying. There’s Vanilla Chai, fruity ones, peppermint, lemon, green, chamomile, Lipton. I say something like how the fruity ones sound nice, but I don’t think I’m ever really in the mood to drink them, not that they’re bad or anything. We ended up getting those two (Vanilla Chai and Honey Vanilla Chamomile if you forgot). We looked at cereals. I forgot to mention that. I wasn’t sure which “high-fiber” cereal I should get. We ended up getting two boxes, but there was one that sounded more interesting to me than the other, and the other also just looked like pet food (cat/dog food). But my friend said that the taste is worth it. Like, what it lacks in aesthetic, it makes up for in taste. Something like that, maybe. Or maybe I’m just making that up. And then I also got a guilty pleasure of Oops! All Berries, Capt’n Crunch cereal. :D After that, we looked at crackers. There’s Town House and Club. We’re seeing which ones are fit for peanut butter. I was thinking that the Town House Toppers multigrain would be good, maybe, but I’m not really sure. I was going to say Ritz was good originally, but I wasn’t sure if my friend wanted that one or a different one, since there was Ritz at his place at one point. We ended up with Ritz, and then we went to check out some chocolates. I thought he meant the Lindt type chocolate, but we ended up looking at chocolate bars. I think there was a Belgian chocolate bar that looked nice because it was big and had a pink wrapper. It was dark chocolate, but I think it was also sweetened. I think my friend got an 85% dark chocolate cacao bar thing. It wasn’t Lindt, but some brand that I’m not quite familiar with. Then we headed to the supplements aisle. I forget what song was playing at the time (it was a song I knew – they were actually playing pretty decent music the whole time we were there though), but then Macklemore’s Thrift Shop came on and I thought of my other friend. I looked at the different supplements. Daily vitamins. Caffeine. (Immediately before finding the caffeine, I had a bit of trouble finding my friend, even though the caffeine/Tylenol/headache/pain reliever medicine was two aisles down). I actually wasn’t sure if my friend was there, but I just had a moment where I was like: caffeine is probably with the pain relief medicine! And he just happened to be there. He really could have been anywhere else. Anyways, we got things like Korean gingko or something like that, fish oil, etc. etc. He got things like St. John’s Worts and motion sickness pills? I guess. Whatever floats his boat. And then we almost forgot the milk, but good thing I remembered. The lady at the register was nice. I’m pretty sure it was register 15. It was the only lighted register. All the self-checkout ones were closed. And then we walked back to his apartment. Good thing we got milk. We ate some cereal that he already had. It was some berries one. I think the brand is Kashi. It’s not the Go Lean one or whatever. It’s like frosted mini wheats except healthy. Healthier? But yeah. Had some of that. We had some cinnamon almonds. Right, he got that also. Eventually, we went to his bedroom and laid down and stuff. He eventually left! That jerk! Whatever! Haha, just kidding, but whatever. I guess I snore. It’s not my fault! But apparently he had a hard time sleeping with all the light and whatnot. I was falling asleep at like 4 in the morning, maybe 5ish. Or maybe 5ish is when he left the bed to the couch. But then I woke up at about 9-10ish. The friend that I’m staying with (that lives closeby) texted me saying that I better not be late for the bus. We’re going to our favorite café because it re-opens today. I want my quiche! But yeah, I got up at about that time. My friend was still asleep on the couch. I didn’t want to wake him, but I was bored. I eventually got my book from my bag and read some. (Ellen DeGenere’s Seriously… I’m Kidding). And then eventually got my laptop to try and relay some of this stuff to ya. And then we laid in bed at some point. And then I had to get ready to get back to my other friend’s place because my stuff is there. I kind of wanted to try the cereal and the teas, but it’s cool. Maybe some other time. Things always are on my mind, so yeah.

But yes. That’s the gist up ‘til now. Hope you enjoyed the long, tedious story of me trying to remember things.

P.S. The paranoia is real bad. Real, real bad if you didn’t catch that before. Everyone knows!

Jealous Attention(Whore)

And obnoxious at that.
So, I'm admitting that I'm an extremely jealous person and an attention-whore. And I know that these are bad traits to have, but I can't help it. I like receiving attention and talking and all that (not that I like hearing myself talk, but I suppose it's more like I like being heard). And I also get jealous of things that I suppose, seem to try to steal attention away from me... *sigh*
What am I talking about? Well, I'm specifically actually referring to this one friend that I have. She's a doll really. (This is a different friend from the venting). But this friend. This friend. She's a real dork. And I don't mean that in a bad way. She's also a nerd. Also not meant in a bad way. I'm jealous of how smart she is. And how innocent she is (to an extent - jealous to an extent of this innocence). But the thing that really gets me is that it seems like she's getting undeserved attention. Like, she has League of Legends on her laptop, but she didn't even really play much. I mean, I played that game too, but I don't have it on my laptop, nor do I play it anymore. And the rest of my family plays that. My family's a bunch of gaming nerds. So, the thing that gets me is that it seems like she plays, when she doesn't actually play (not that I actually know, but I don't think she does anymore at least - and it's not like she played extensively when she did). I don't know. I'm just crazy. Really.
I get that I'm not a real gamer (at least not anymore), but she isn't either. It's not that I'm embarrassed of it either or anything, but that's a pastime for me. I used to play games, I enjoyed it, but I just don't want to get sucked into that sort of thing at this moment.
And then, this friend. She's so dorky and awkward. And then it seems like she steals all my friends. She meets all these people through me and then goes on and becomes friends with them. I mean, I get that's like the process of making friends, but they were my friends first. And now I suppose there's also a possessive part to this too. I get possessive of things. I know this. It's bad. But, I mean, I can share. But... I've been in a club for weeks, months, what-have-you, and I ask her to come to a meeting, and all of a sudden, she's in the club and friends with everyone too? But not even close friends with anyone in the club, yet everyone seems to talk to her more than me. What is this? I don't know. Maybe it's whatever. I don't know. Maybe I'm just really crazy, really paranoid.
But I suppose it's just that this friend. This friend is likable compared to my obnoxious, crazy, insulting, heartless self. Maybe she deserves the attention, but I just can't help but be jealous, possessive, etc.
I don't know.

Venting - 001

Am I really going to be venting up to the 100s? I'm not really sure. But this is a venting post. Obviously. Why? Well, I mean, really. That doesn't explain much actually, but it's just that I have this one friend that's been bothering me. My day's actually been quite alright beside that fact. But seriously.
I have this friend who is letting me stay over at her house. In her closet. But I'm not complaining about that because it's actually quite a comfy closet beside the air mattress, which is slowly deflating, and no one knows where the air pump for it is. So, it isn't that. And I'm grateful that she's letting me stay over during the break. It's nice.
So, what am I venting about? Well, she constantly (this might be a bit exaggerated) whines or complains about things. She's at work, and I'm at her place, and she chats with me on Facebook... while working. And she's complaining about her co-workers who aren't doing much. And I mean, I get  that her co-workers aren't the nicest bunch (and by nicest, I don't mean that they're mean - which they can be - but they're not the ideal bunch you want to be with). Like, she can complain about how they don't do any work and she does so much work, which I believe, but why does she have to complain to me? And why does she have to whine about wanting coffee? And how she hates her job and her co-workers and her life? While at work. Really. I'm sorry. I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I can say to help you.
And what's really on my mind right now is that she has the audacity to ask me for my school log-in information to check her email. It's just her email and it's just because she is bored. I'm sorry that I'm protective about private information. I "clearly don't trust her." And that's the truth. But that doesn't mean she's the only one I don't trust. I don't trust anyone. And she must not get that because I obviously have friends. (I do have friends, but I just generally don't trust anyone). "There's a difference between giving [her] that info and logging into a computer for [her]." I told her that. And there completely is! I would not mind logging into a computer for her, but asking for my information? And at this point, it's not just about trust. Like, who does she think she is? Does she deserve my information? Thanks for letting me stay at your place and all, but I don't think that gives you the right to know such information. Are you tracking my menstrual cycle too? (This is complete nonsense - kind of - right now). But, really. The things I do for this friend. I just went to Walmart and got her some stuff. Tissues for her house - since there isn't any, milk because we ran out (a different friend gave me a half gallon that I brought to this friend's house and she devoured half of it the first day she got back with the Nesquik mix I bought), almonds that I like and let her try and she also likes, a can of soup that she wanted the last time we went to Walmart. And I didn't buy these things as an apology, but just because I thought she would appreciate them or something, but she obviously doesn't appreciate my friendship. Even though I also gave her $60 for the convenience of staying at her place, and bought her dinner the other night. Literally. Like, I share my food and stuff with her too, and she gives me this attitude for not giving her personal information. Ask for my credit card numbers at that, why doesn't she. She must not get that if I give her the information, it's going through the internet because it'd be through text message and if something happens to that information, who knows what. It's not that I don't trust her and think she's going to do crazy stuff on my account at school, it's that former thing. And she doesn't get that. And that makes me mad. But this is why I'm getting my anger out now. Which isn't really anger I guess, but more of an annoyance that I can't have when she's back, although I just don't want to talk to her right now. She threatened to not get me alcohol because of it. And the thing is, I don't really care for the alcohol anyway though. It'd just have been a nice thing to try a wine cooler, but I can wait anyway. And she judges me for wanting to try one. Like, whatever, really. Who cares if I want to try one? Who cares if you think it's lame? It's for me and it's whatever. WHATEVER.
This is why I'm not caring about things. People like that.
And Asian people! Why am I so irritated and annoyed at Asian people? Why are they so obnoxious? Why?! They seem so clingy and dependent on each other. So loud and obnoxious. I don't like them. I don't want to be friends with them. Sorry! (I mean, I am willing to, if they're cool, but in most cases, they are not).

But really, my day was cool. I talked to some friends. I got some surprise presents for the friend who gave me the half gallon of milk. I had a nice conversation with this guy in juggling club who I normally find insulting or something of that sort (because he's at my hometown!). It was nice to discuss my hometown and such things with just someone. And our conversation wasn't bad at all - which it normally is weird and awkward. And I saw people from a club I started going to. The Tea House club! At first, I just recognized this one guy from one of my classes last semester, then I realized it was the club! They passed right by me, but it's okay. I mean, I only really went to like two meetings so far. But yeah. That was cool. Apparently they were going to the same place I was going to with my friend, but that place ended up being closed. Then I went to a different place with my friend, and I think the club went to a different place too, but I didn't want to be creeping on them, especially because there were other things at hand. Like, feeding squirrels. I got some cool videos and pictures of me feeding a squirrel, but my friend was also whining about getting her life together. It was cold outside. I was feeding squirrels or at least trying to and she was just complaining and whining about her life. I mean, things happen. Really. Calm down. Please. *sigh*
Anyways, I think that's enough of venting for now. At least, that's all I think I have to vent about for now.
So, hopefully the next post is back to normal. Thanks for tuning in!

EDIT: Also! ALSO! She told me that strangers aren't allowed in the house. And by that, she means people she doesn't know. And duh. I mean, I know that. Why would I bring someone she doesn't know into the house, or anyone at all really? She doesn't trust me either because she said so not once, but twice! She clearly doesn't know my courteousness because it'd be completely wrong to bring strangers into someone's home. Duh! The nerve this girl has.

RE: EDIT: And! She doesn't appreciate that I help her wash her dishes when her own roommate doesn't even do so! I helped her wash dishes that weren't even used by me. I poured her wine before. I made her a drink to try. All I do is try and help. And here's my thanks.

Reliving Reflections

Not sure if that really makes sense, but whatevs, right? Anywho, I just wanted to check in since the last time I posted something... If you hadn't noticed, I was "high" when I wrote that bit. Re-reading it/looking back on it, I actually find it somewhat poetic, eh? I don't know. It was amusing though. I just remember being super scared and super paranoid. Not sure if I'll do something like that again anytime soon. It was interesting though.
Something I learned: I snore really loudly (according to my friend). I mean, I also "learned" a lot of other things - mainly about myself, I suppose, but that's maybe for some other time (but in reality, I probably just can't quite remember it, nor could I relay it in words coherently).
I've been sleeping for long periods of times and it's getting me so out of sorts. I suppose it started since the weekend - start of spring break. But then again, that's when I first got high. Then I also got my period the next day. Fun~
I've been watching Shameless (US), as well as getting caught up on all my other shows that I watch, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, Vampire Diaries, etc. etc. I haven't been watching Doctor Who though and that's making me a bit sad, but I feel like I haven't been in the mood to watch it. I wonder why...
So let's see... I've been sleeping immensely. Probably 12+ hours at a time. I've been having headaches. Super hungry, but that might just be my fattyness - or empty eating. Forgetting to turn in this library book, which is now overdue. But it's cool I guess. Only $0.25/day fines. I'm hopefully turning it in today. Today, I should be eating Indian food with my friend! Yay! I like Indian food, plus, pistachio ice cream, which is delish! Love that stuff.
I find that it's getting more difficult to write long posts like I used to. *sigh* I guess I just don't have as much to say. Or maybe my mind's just going down the poops. Well, that's not a good phrase, but I don't know how else to word it... That proves it, right?
What else have I been doing? Procrastinating on stuff.... Being not smart. Meh. Self-(insert a bunch of words) - meaning (self-loathing, self-pitying, etc.).
Oh well, anyway. Until next time!

Getting Hot Hot Hot.

So... I've been hanging out with this one friend of mine, and we've been trying to get me high I guess. I suppose I am. It feels super weird. I guess kind of like Kurt Vonnegut because time is linear, or what was that. It's kind of scary because things are happening at once, and it's hard for one thing to stay in one place. I decided it was a good idea to write now because of the sensations I am feeling. I'm not exactly how sure what time it is or something like that.
The room is spinning. My arms are warm. It's cold though. We're listening to music. I'm moving, like my head is spinning. I am in my head, but not in my head. "Just blogging, while high on a Friday night."
We are listening to Chopin. I am on the bed on my laptop. Only 6 minutes have passed. It was 11:06 or something. Then, 11:28. Then 11:31. 11:33. 11:34. The room is spinning. I see everything, but blackness at the same time. My legs kind of feel numb. I'm thinking about each and every moment, feeling like a bunch of dimensions flowing from one another in a linear, circular fashion. It was then. Then is now. We are lying down on the bed... kind of. I'm tired. I'm awake. The room is spinning, I'm moving, I'm spinning. Half of the time, my eyes are closed, yet they are open. Ambiguous, ambivalence? Chewing gum. Hmmm....
Not sure I like this feeling. There's a weird warm feeling in my chest. It feels like I'm not in control of anything. Even with my glasses on, things are blurry. There's a warmness in the middle of my chest. I twitch sometimes. It's a bit cold. It is 11:37. I shall be having brunch with another friend at about 11. I need to get up early then. I don't know where my phone is. I found it. With my other stuff.
I'm kind of scared of now. Everything is happening at once. It was then. It's now. My battery might almost be dead. Hmmm..
Manmanman. Time's passing by so slowly. I wonder if I'll remember all this in the morning.
I guess we'll see.
Please tune back or something.