Eccentric Mentality

I reallly, really, really hate my hair. :( I pick at it so much. I should just get rid of it. I hate the feel of it now and everything. *sigh* But anyways...
So, I'm really weird, if you hadn't noticed. I consider myself "quirky," but I'm not really sure if that's the case. Maybe I'm just crazy in reality. Right now, I'm listening to 7 songs on repeat at the same time. And I'm enjoying it. It's really fun and it's maybe a good exercise to distinguish different sounds. So if you're trying to eavesdrop on conversations, maybe it's a good exercise. I'm not exactly sure why  I'm doing that, but it might be because I'm trying to drown my thoughts with all the noise (wonderful noise though).
<3 My Girls by Animal Collective <3 Season Song by Blue States <3 Runaway by Yeah Yeah Yeahs <3 Darling Alistair by Little Comets <3 Oxford Comma by Vampire Weekend <3 Lord Anthony by Belle & Sebastian <3 No More Pirates by Chris Garneau
So, I've been thinking and maybe I'm a polyamorous person for now. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing though. I mean, I'm sure it's bad in the eyes of society, but should I care about that? I've been on the fence of turning off my emotions. I do it, but at the same time, I don't. I'm a fairly ambiguous, ambivalent, apathetic, and vague person. But I don't know. I don't really know much. Although I say I want to be in a relationship, I'm not sure if I'm actually ready for one. Maybe all the people I'm trying to be with are just rebounds. But not in a bad way. I enjoy each of them, but I wouldn't want to have multiple "boyfriends." I suppose it's all FWB (Friends with Benefits). Is that a bad thing? I don't really care though. I mean, I care for them, but not in an extensive way that I'd wrought myself over. I would usually (and I guess I do go through the process of) debating things like whether or not it's "ethical," but I've started to think that all of that is pretty much bullshit. (Oh, and I've also going to begin to curse, if I may). Is it bad that I consider myself a bad person, but at the same time I don't? It's also like how I don't consider myself a slut/whore because I feel that at least I'm being myself. Like, I'm trying to be considerate of people, and it's not like the people I get together with have girlfriends (except this one guy is an exception because he has two girlfriends and apparently no one cares). And it's not like I act like a slut or whore. Like, I'm fairly conservative in how I dress, even if sometimes it could be considered "skimpy." That might sound contradicting, but it's hard to explain.
I suppose I have a lot on my mind, but I could never get everything fully out. I've also been thinking of tattoos that I want. Tomorrow's Quiche Sunday (name I gave to it because my dining hall serves quiche only on Sundays). I guess it's actually technically today. I didn't notice that it's already 5AM in the morning. Wow-ee. I might try to write my papers today (a 10-page lab report and a 6-8-page persuasive essay). They aren't due until next week, but it's better to get them out of the way, right? Also, I've been thinking a lot about the grades I (might) want to get. I think ideally I want to get the Dean's List thing, but should I really work myself up over that? I sort of think I'm only going to barely pass my Chem Lab, and then other classes are up in the air. I think it's definitely doable to get an A in my Stats class, but as for everything else, it's (hopefully) sort of in between grades like B and A- (although it'd be cool to just get A's in all my classes of course). I get to schedule my courses for the fall semester in about 2 weeks, which I'm excited for. I'm thinking of taking 3 courses over the summer, then for the fall, I'm planning to take 3 Psych classes, 2 Philosophy classes, and a language (Russian probably).
Anywaysss... I got distracted and I suppose that's it for now. Hope things turn out well~

Wot Wot?!

If you've read any Redwall, you must know what I'm talking about when I say, "Wot wot." I really enjoyed reading the Redwall series, but that is not what this post is about, sadly enough.

The reason I am writing this post is because I started looking into studying abroad, in England! And I don't understand the whole degrees or diplomas or whatever they call it there! I'm not sure if the Bachelor's Degree is equivalent to the Master's in England, or what have you! So, I'm trying to figure that out, and also which university I'd like to attend. I'm thinking of either Cambridge or Oxford - and I know they're really good/prestigious, so I'm afraid that I might not be able to get in. It's all just a whole bunch of jumble to me. It's almost like a different language. Darn America and the differences between the rest of the world! (If you didn't catch that, it was sarcasm. For the most part.)

Anyways, I've also been thinking of just my education path/future in general. I'm double majoring in Psychology and Philosophy right now, and I'm considering adding a minor in Linguistics. I want to study abroad in England, for whatever certificate/diploma/degree in Education or Counseling Services or something like that, because I want to become a sort of counselor for kids in primary and secondary education. (Is it bad that I'm still confused on the differences between things like primary, secondary, and continuing education?). I mean, I think those are self-explanatory, maybe, but still.... But yes, that is my plan. I might also consider grad school in Portland or something like that. Just a thought. And that sounds like a lot of schooling/learning, but I think I'd enjoy it. I mean, I suppose I should also think about things like: What job(s) would I have in the mean time? Where would I live? How is this going to work out? Etc. But yeah. I'm not sure. I mean, I have time for all that, right? Also, I mean, I guess I might be acquiring such a student loan/debt, but shouldn't I go for what I want to do? Which would be helping other people - in particular students. I would like to be a counselor - helping people figure out how their schedules might look like, if they're interested in certain paths, helping them figure out what they might want to do, etc. - as well as be a tutor or teaching assistant, or something of that sort - because I really do just enjoy helping people, and would hope that's what I would be doing. And I'm sure the pay isn't the best, but is that really necessary? Is it all about money? I think as long as I end up in an at least neutral monetary standing, that would be good enough. I mean, I might want to be helpful for my kids (if I end up having any, which I do want, but I'm scared too...), but who knows what will happen/what the future holds for us?

Anywho, I'm almost dead-tired right now, and I'm waiting to hang out with a friend and crash at their place because I'm tired of my dorm and campus living right now. I guess. So, hopefully all goes well and I'll be able to sleep like a baby, I suppose after a scary movie that we might watch. I'm thinking maybe Psycho, but we'll see.

I (Heart) Music

Right now, I'm really digging My Girls by Animal Collective. Why now? I have no idea. At first, when I put it on my playlist, it was like: Hey, they sound familiar. I might like it. Now, each time I listen to it, I'm like: WHAT SONG IS THIS?! I LOVE IT. As of now, I'm listening to it on repeat and I think that should be a crime. Well, maybe not that exactly, but the fact that I'm just being really turned on by it. Yup. Music is really turning me on, especially now. And also, the video is just so trippy. Another trippy video I realized today was Kites by Geographer. But yes, I've been trying to be more in-tuned with the music I've been listening to, and those I lean towards more, I tend to listen... religiously, repetitively, obsessively. Other good ones I've been listening to recently:
-Runaway by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Karen O - I dig her style - it really reminds me of how I dress, except I could only aspire to dress like her)
-You're Gonna Go Far, Kid by The Offspring (it's really surprising to me that they're such an old band, yet still make great music, and by surprising, I mean I'm amazed - in a good way)
-Oxford Comma by Vampire Weekend (for some reason, I've come across a lot of people who have issues with Vampire Weekend, but they've cranked out some good stuff, forreals)
-Lord Anthony by Belle & Sebastian (this is the song that I've listened to on repeat, and I realized that I started to try and analyze what the lyrics mean, and I love that - there are so many ways to interpret songs and finding out what it was intended to mean)
-No More Pirates by Chris Garneau (because, I don't want your pirates anymore~)
-Thinking of You by Test Your Reflex (by this point, I'm becoming tapped out of what to say)
-Darling Alistair by Little Comets (but that doesn't mean that these songs aren't good - they're great)
And then there are songs that I'll probably always love just because the feel they have with them (aka the fast-paced-ness that I feel with them):
-A Secret Worth Keeping by The Fire Restart (oldie, but a goodie - I love her voice and the contrast)
-Motion Sickness by Call the Cops
-Attack by 30 Seconds to Mars
-Heartilation by Andrew Jackson Jihad (this song helped me decide that I want to become an organ donor)
-Getting Old and Finding Something to Do by Hellogoodbye

These are only some of the many good, great, and wonderful songs out there. But yes, music is life. It is pretty great. They are a great outlet and make things much better. They help express feelings and emotions, as well as lift moods and everything.

(Note: And I get/know that I tend to like a certain type of music, but hey, we all do, right? It's great finding people who tend to like the same type of music as you do, which I find exciting. In most cases, people tend to like some of the music I listen to, but generally say that they're okay, which isn't a bad thing, but...)

Identity Crisis

I don't even know who I am anymore. This is bad. This is very bad. I don't know if it's just because I feel like I have no one to talk to or anything, but I cannot handle my beingness right now. I was looking back at old pictures and all I'm thinking is: "Who is that girl and why does she look so happy?"
I'm not happy right now. I don't know what I am. I don't know how I could be happy. My mind is racing. My mind is stale. I don't know what to make of myself. Why am I like this? What happened to the girl I used to be?
I'm just dwelling in my own filth of a life. Wallowing. Thinking.
Too much on my mind. It's hard to put pen to paper even. I just... don't even know anymore.

...What?

My hands fumbled over the keyboard, trying to figure out what I really wanted to say. What was I trying to say?

Fin.

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We reached for the check at the same time, and our hands touched.

Fin.

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They lived the American Dream in a big house with a white picket fence.

Fin.

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I looked towards the swarms of people. All of that chattering. All that noise. And then I realized that I was alone.

Fin.

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He realized that she was everything he had ever wanted. Then he woke up.

Fin.

I Am Going To Write A Book

I suppose I've always sort of been set on it, but I want to write a book. I mean, I'm sure I'm not as talented as authors are, and I don't doubt I'm not as creative as can be, but I enjoy writing, and that's what counts, right? Maybe not, but even if I have to write it myself ... I mean publish it myself, I'll do it!
I'm thinking of having different sections. Maybe I'll put things such as my blog posts on there. They can be interesting, I hope. But that's only one part. So, I think it'll just be more of an autobiographical book, but not really, but maybe. I'm not quite sure what entails an autobiography. But anyway, besides things like my blog posts, I'm thinking of having a section where I talk about my beliefs - a.k.a. philosophical views. Things like my thoughts. Maybe a couple of short stories or at least story ideas here and there. Maybe a couple of lists and aspirations. Maybe my bucket list - and if I become famous, there's a checklist next to it, or something like that. Maybe some definitions. Maybe some random tidbits about things here and there. Maybe a whole bunch of randomness.
Anyways, yes, I am going to write a book.

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So, also, I've just had a lot on my mind and it's still really hard to put pen to paper. Right now, I'm procrastinating (or am I, well, that's what it always is, I suppose). I could be writing a paper. I could be doing a quiz (which I actually might just do because it's only 3 questions anyway). I could be getting things done while I can... or I could go to sleep. I've yet to fill out my tax forms (they really should have a how-to for this for dummies like me). I've yet to do the FAFSA. I think it might be too late. That's lame. What am I by myself? Why am I lost? Why do I suck people into my downward spiral of a mind and of a life? Why do I have so many questions? Why do I get like this? Why am I lonely? Isn't this depressing? Man. What a life. What a life. People. People. People. I want to watch movies. Films. I think I shall be watching Pulp Fiction with one of my friends tomorrow. That's on the list of Best 250 Movies - which is of course subjective, but I don't mind. I looked through the list and I actually do want to watch a good portion of the films at least. Can I be creative? Why aren't I smarter? I don't think I did that well on my exam that I had today. I don't think I did my homework correctly. It's a group project and I feel like I'm going to let my group members down. I don't know what to do about that. Maybe someone will help me. Am I bad person? There's so many things going on in my mind. It almost hurts, but not really. Because I don't feel. That's a joke. I mean, I was talking to my one friend over spring break, and I feel like we were making progress with me and my being, but then I started acting weird after break ended. I blame myself. But then again, things are just weird. Maybe I'm just a weird person. Well, no, I really am a weird person. Do I make people feel weird? Do I really need to relax? How does one relax? What happens if I try smoking cigarettes? People say that it's addicting, and I don't doubt that, but I feel like I have enough will power to just up and try it and up and leave it. I mean, it really depends on my mood, but I don't think I've ever been addicted to anything. Then again, I've never really tried anything. I want a boyfriend. Hm. I'm broken. I think a lot. People are broken. People have friends. Do I have friends? Why doesn't anyone want to talk to me? Well, I guess it is a Friday night. I should get work done while I can. I wonder when I'm going to be hanging out with the friends I said I wanted to hang out with. I hope I can be friends with the people I want to be friends with. I think that almost happened today. I wore balloons. That was sort of a bad mistake. I didn't quite enjoy it. It was silly at first, but then I started getting paranoid and thinking about all the people looking at me. All the people laughing at me. All the people judging me. I'm fat. I'm so self-loathing. I am in a downward spiral. Why aren't I more artistic? Why aren't I good at anything. I apparently can talk really quickly and can talk a lot. I do enjoy talking. I enjoy writing. I enjoy being heard. Maybe. I'm so indecisive. Maybe I'm just ambivalent and apathetic. Which isn't a good thing. But that's me. I don't know. I don't know... What's wrong with me?
By the way, this wasn't even the half of it. Half of my thoughts are being screened right now. They either aren't appropriate, aren't fully developed, or what-have-you. Good day to you. Good night to you.

Negative Motivation

You know how people say that they have "zero motivation?" Yeah, well, I'm considering myself as having negative motivation. Yeah. It's that serious. This must be the worst week ever. There's so much work to do. I had little sleep. Spring break was great, don't get me wrong. But, really school? You won't open the campus again until right before classes begin again and on top of that, all this work is due? I get that I maybe should have brought my lab homework that I'm stressing over with me during break, but you gotta know that there's only so many things I could bring, and I'm not sure what's more important... Clothes or Work? I mean, at least some professors are lenient and pushed back deadlines for some things.
So, I really just need to get through this lab. I'm starting to not even care. I just need to pass, right? Maybe that's good enough for me. Why are you making me dislike Chemistry, lab? And anyway, depending on if I'm aiming for "Dean's List" this semester or not, I just should hopefully get something like a B- in the class. I guess that means I'd have to do all the other work at least a bit more than adequately. And maybe I should have asked someone for help with this lab, but I think I'm a bit too proud for that. But not really proud. Maybe more like embarrassed.
What else do I have to do this week? Oh yeah, Statistics work. Ew. Ugh. Statistics, really? We have all this tedious work to do and a project. At least there's a buffer between grades. I'm pretty sure I don't have to exert too much effort to get an A in the class. But still. Why do we have a bunch of pointless work? Can someone please tell me that?
I think the only thing I don't mind doing is the paper that I have to write about online deliberation and my reflection on it. That's the assignment that got pushed back. Thankfully. Otherwise it would have been due today during my lab. Or at least by the time before my lab's about finished. Then I would have had to choose between grades and it just came to me today to not do the chem lab homework. Or maybe I should still do at least some of it. I suppose I'm still conflicted about that.
And the only things that I have to look forward to this week are the clubs I get to go to... If I don't forget what times they really are. Like, yesterday, I went to juggling club. But I forgot that the tea club I was going to go to was at 7, not 8. So, it was just juggling club yesterday, which was cool still. Although, the wind was really bothersome. I seriously hate the wind, if I were to hate anything. But anyways, there's also still magic club (not the playing card game), more juggling club, and tea club (lecture portion).
Then hopefully, I'll be able to hang out with friends and stuff. Oh no. I forgot about the exam I also have on Friday. Fun~ Philosophy - Symbolic Logic exam. I mean, I think that I'll maybe do fairly fine. I got the extra credit assignment done fairly quick, if I must say. If it really was a "race," I think I would have finished first, or something like that. But then again, it was Monday after break just ended and everyone's probably brain dead... That's not nice to say, but right? Who does work over break? Anyways, I have to get that homework done too. And I need to do my laundry today. And I still have a sleep debt that's forever increasing.
Anyways, I hope I somehow get cheered up through this week. I hope I have more motivation. Maybe definitely after my chem lab. Four hours? Ugh. And there's group work/experiment today. And and and yeah. LAB.
In summation, happy anniversary to my loving parents. Happy birthday to my friend(s).
Let's hope the day and the week ahead of us gets better for all. Have a scrumdiddlyumptious day.