So, I'm at a point where I always end up. The feeling of annoying people. The feeling of being annoyed by people. It never turns out well. Why am I like this? Do I care? Don't I care? I'm not really sure why it happens, but it seems to be a fairly vicious cycle. I feel like I need space, but at the same time, I think I just need to comfort of people. Which I seem to reject. Because. I sort of hate people. But not really. I think it's just that some people need to give me space, whilst other people whom I want to be hanging out with are busy with their own lives, or that's how it seems. As much as I enjoy being with people, I don't really like becoming close with people. And whenever something close to that happens, I think I tend to just have this force field bubble thing where I just push people away. I back away and put myself in this downward spiral. It's not that I'm consciously doing this, but I'm not really sure.
I guess I sort of can't wait for new things. Being back home after not having been there for practically a year. Seeing what's new if anything. Just having a new old feeling I guess. Having the same ole foods, the same ole people, new experiences though. New mindset. And then I get to be back here with new people, since everyone else is going to be out doing their own things for summer.
I also realized that some of my senior friends are leaving, which I'm sad for. And I know there's that whole keeping in touch thing, but I don't know. I guess I'll try. I was talking to one of my friends about proximity and how the reason why a lot of people are friends are because of the close proximity, which I get. There is that proximity thing. Once the proximity is gone, it's hard to stay friends. I mean, even with the close proximity, it's hard for me to have friends. I mean, maybe I'm back in the mindset where I don't have friends and that happened really quick compared to how happy I was recently, but I guess things happen quickly. Sometimes. I mean, also, I'm hoping to be able to hang out with people in the coming days, but I also get that there are exams and stuff coming up so people are busy. I don't know. I'm sad and lonely now, if I were to have emotions.
I sort of just want to drown. And I don't mean like in water drown or like near-death drown. But I want to drown in knowledge, in emotions (positive), and things like that. I want to be active I guess. I want to participate in life. But right now, I don't feel that connection to do that. I don't know. I don't know many things. Maybe that's my whole ambivalent thing going on right now. I'm always on the fence on things... It's not a good thing, but I feel like it's hard to change such a thing. People make it sound so easy to do things, but it's not as easy as it seems...
I think a lot of self-reflection is going on right now. Or maybe just a whole bunch of crazy. I'm not sure how that's going. Just when I thought I was accepting myself...
Maybe I'm bi-polar or have bi-polar tendencies. Maybe.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
In My Right Mind
Maybe I'd prefer to be in my left mind though. That's the more creative side or something, right?
So, once again, I'm listening to several songs at the same time again. I don't know why... It's just that mood I guess. (Animal Collective - My Girls, KnowMads - River Runs Deep, Suuns - 2020, Young Wonder - Flesh, Little Comets - Darling Alistair, Sea Wolf - Old Friend)
Actually, "in my right mind" is just a sarcastic thing really. I'm actually finding myself to be out of my right mind and not in any particular mind. I mean, I'm getting really annoyed at things in general. Maybe it's just that things can't happen fast enough or something. Or maybe I just need some sort of drastic change. Like, my hair's been bothering me and stuff. I think I need more friends. A lot of the people I've come to communicate with have been irking me at times, and I feel bad for that. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm actually unsure about what I want to really write right now, but I would've hoped something would've happened. I guess I waited too long. Oh well. Hopefully the next post is better. Sorry.
So, once again, I'm listening to several songs at the same time again. I don't know why... It's just that mood I guess. (Animal Collective - My Girls, KnowMads - River Runs Deep, Suuns - 2020, Young Wonder - Flesh, Little Comets - Darling Alistair, Sea Wolf - Old Friend)
Actually, "in my right mind" is just a sarcastic thing really. I'm actually finding myself to be out of my right mind and not in any particular mind. I mean, I'm getting really annoyed at things in general. Maybe it's just that things can't happen fast enough or something. Or maybe I just need some sort of drastic change. Like, my hair's been bothering me and stuff. I think I need more friends. A lot of the people I've come to communicate with have been irking me at times, and I feel bad for that. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm actually unsure about what I want to really write right now, but I would've hoped something would've happened. I guess I waited too long. Oh well. Hopefully the next post is better. Sorry.
I Think My Body Hates Me
I'm pretty sure that's a reasonable thing to think. Right?
I clearly cannot sleep now, so I'm listening to some good music. Y'know. Sea Wolf - Old Friend. Good stuff.
So, I mean, I got about four hours of sleep. I guess I should be proud of my body for that? Maybe? I'm not quite sure what my body's trying to tell me... I can't be the first person to get Asparagus Quiche? (By the way, I really enjoy quiche, and asparagus isn't that bad - in fact, I've grown a liking to asparagus once I tried it, sometime in the past couple years of my life or so - so asparagus and quiche in one sounds quite interesting).
Also, I'm not sure why, but I started thinking of the past. (Oh my gosh. Whooooa.) But what I'm getting at is that I just remembered that I used to have a sort of way of thinking where I considered myself a different person everyday. Like, there's a yesterday me, a five-years-ago me, and the me tomorrow is different from the me today and so on and so forth. And it's not that I don't believe that now or that I exactly do believe that now, but the way I used to think of it could be sort of depressing I suppose in that I would consider the past me as "dead" because I mean, it's pretty true. I'm not the same person as I was and there's not a likely possibility that I'd become that person again because each tidbit of information that I acquire changes me as a person. Each new experience I come across is going to change me as a person. Since I've started college, I've definitely changed. I've definitely been going through changes, and I definitely can't become the same person as I was before then. And that's not a bad thing, nor is it a wrong thing. I'm glad I am the type of person I am today because I find that I have friends. Or, at least, I would like to think I have friends. And it's not that I didn't have friends prior to high school, but there was a different connection (or lack thereof) that I felt with people pre-college. I'm also a different person than I was last semester, but I think there's more of a connection between the person I've been whilst at college with the person I am this semester, than the person I was before college. I think college has provided me with more positive experiences, which I'm glad for. I'm not as afraid to be who I want to be, even if I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I'm not guaranteeing that I'd find myself completely during college, or even at all, but that's okay. I think I a lot more me now, than I was before. If I could, I would tell my past self, "It does get better!" Actually, that's just something I picked up from a show I think. Nevermind. But, it really does. It's not that I had a bad childhood or anything per se, but it wasn't the best. And I'm sure that applies to everyone (okay, truthfully, I'm not completely sure, but well, .... in most cases.). Wellp, actually I sort of just lost what I was saying. (Darn that hair!) Anyways, I think what I was trying to get at was pretty much, things change. And that's fine. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse (wait, that's not re-assuring). Probably most likely for the better. And you just gotta go with where life takes you. When it gives you lemons, trade it for oranges and make orange juice. Or make lemonade, assuming you have sugar and water also. Or take those lemons and use it to season your food (especially if your dining hall gives you salmon and doesn't provide lemon juice for you to put your fish - which I'm not saying happened to me, but it did). Or even, take those lemons to grow more lemons and make a business with that. I'm sure people could use more lemons. (You could be "life" who gives someone lemons! Think about that!)
Well, I hope that was at least entertaining. Maybe. If not, okay. I'll accept that too. No one told you that you had to read this! (Unless I did, then... thanks?)
I think my blog just got 10x cheesier. And the value has just decreased. If this ever had a value to begin with... Wait, what am I saying? OF COURSE IT HAS VALUE. I give it value. P'shaw. No one else gets to say it has any value... unless they're giving it a value of millions (or billions... or more) of dollars. Which I'd be completely fine with.
Anyways. Okay. No more distractions. (Who am I kidding though?)
But anyways, thoughts on the present. Thoughts on the future. Thoughts on thoughts (That's called meta-cognition! The more you know!~ ...But don't quote me...).
I was also thinking of how for my junior year of college, I would like to live in an apartment so I could light incense. (Notice the emphasis on incense. Because I love that stuff. Nag Champa, Sandalwood, Dragon's Blood, Frankincense & Myrrh - you know, the works - and also, when I say incense, I mean incense; None of that oil or cone sh...tuff.) I'm thinking of who I'd want my roommates to be. Like, any friends I know now? I'd probably most likely prefer my own room, but I'd like to share an apartment (aka roommates) with at least one other person. We'd be able to have sleepovers and become closer friends and and and and... yeah? I think ideally I'd want male roommate(s), unless the female roommate(s) are cool, but I find that hard to come across for myself. Some people might think that's weird to have male roommates, even though I'm a girl and all, but gender equality, right? I think we all need to just step away from the notion that it's a bad thing or it's a thing that can't work where guys and gals can't live together in harmony. I mean, not like marriage or anything, but really. I think it can work.
Anyways, off to try and sleep now! I think I'm bothering my roommate with my incessantly loud typing! (What a great roommate I am, I know!)
Adios, amigos!
I clearly cannot sleep now, so I'm listening to some good music. Y'know. Sea Wolf - Old Friend. Good stuff.
So, I mean, I got about four hours of sleep. I guess I should be proud of my body for that? Maybe? I'm not quite sure what my body's trying to tell me... I can't be the first person to get Asparagus Quiche? (By the way, I really enjoy quiche, and asparagus isn't that bad - in fact, I've grown a liking to asparagus once I tried it, sometime in the past couple years of my life or so - so asparagus and quiche in one sounds quite interesting).
Also, I'm not sure why, but I started thinking of the past. (Oh my gosh. Whooooa.) But what I'm getting at is that I just remembered that I used to have a sort of way of thinking where I considered myself a different person everyday. Like, there's a yesterday me, a five-years-ago me, and the me tomorrow is different from the me today and so on and so forth. And it's not that I don't believe that now or that I exactly do believe that now, but the way I used to think of it could be sort of depressing I suppose in that I would consider the past me as "dead" because I mean, it's pretty true. I'm not the same person as I was and there's not a likely possibility that I'd become that person again because each tidbit of information that I acquire changes me as a person. Each new experience I come across is going to change me as a person. Since I've started college, I've definitely changed. I've definitely been going through changes, and I definitely can't become the same person as I was before then. And that's not a bad thing, nor is it a wrong thing. I'm glad I am the type of person I am today because I find that I have friends. Or, at least, I would like to think I have friends. And it's not that I didn't have friends prior to high school, but there was a different connection (or lack thereof) that I felt with people pre-college. I'm also a different person than I was last semester, but I think there's more of a connection between the person I've been whilst at college with the person I am this semester, than the person I was before college. I think college has provided me with more positive experiences, which I'm glad for. I'm not as afraid to be who I want to be, even if I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I'm not guaranteeing that I'd find myself completely during college, or even at all, but that's okay. I think I a lot more me now, than I was before. If I could, I would tell my past self, "It does get better!" Actually, that's just something I picked up from a show I think. Nevermind. But, it really does. It's not that I had a bad childhood or anything per se, but it wasn't the best. And I'm sure that applies to everyone (okay, truthfully, I'm not completely sure, but well, .... in most cases.). Wellp, actually I sort of just lost what I was saying. (Darn that hair!) Anyways, I think what I was trying to get at was pretty much, things change. And that's fine. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse (wait, that's not re-assuring). Probably most likely for the better. And you just gotta go with where life takes you. When it gives you lemons, trade it for oranges and make orange juice. Or make lemonade, assuming you have sugar and water also. Or take those lemons and use it to season your food (especially if your dining hall gives you salmon and doesn't provide lemon juice for you to put your fish - which I'm not saying happened to me, but it did). Or even, take those lemons to grow more lemons and make a business with that. I'm sure people could use more lemons. (You could be "life" who gives someone lemons! Think about that!)
Well, I hope that was at least entertaining. Maybe. If not, okay. I'll accept that too. No one told you that you had to read this! (Unless I did, then... thanks?)
I think my blog just got 10x cheesier. And the value has just decreased. If this ever had a value to begin with... Wait, what am I saying? OF COURSE IT HAS VALUE. I give it value. P'shaw. No one else gets to say it has any value... unless they're giving it a value of millions (or billions... or more) of dollars. Which I'd be completely fine with.
Anyways. Okay. No more distractions. (Who am I kidding though?)
But anyways, thoughts on the present. Thoughts on the future. Thoughts on thoughts (That's called meta-cognition! The more you know!~ ...But don't quote me...).
I was also thinking of how for my junior year of college, I would like to live in an apartment so I could light incense. (Notice the emphasis on incense. Because I love that stuff. Nag Champa, Sandalwood, Dragon's Blood, Frankincense & Myrrh - you know, the works - and also, when I say incense, I mean incense; None of that oil or cone sh...tuff.) I'm thinking of who I'd want my roommates to be. Like, any friends I know now? I'd probably most likely prefer my own room, but I'd like to share an apartment (aka roommates) with at least one other person. We'd be able to have sleepovers and become closer friends and and and and... yeah? I think ideally I'd want male roommate(s), unless the female roommate(s) are cool, but I find that hard to come across for myself. Some people might think that's weird to have male roommates, even though I'm a girl and all, but gender equality, right? I think we all need to just step away from the notion that it's a bad thing or it's a thing that can't work where guys and gals can't live together in harmony. I mean, not like marriage or anything, but really. I think it can work.
Anyways, off to try and sleep now! I think I'm bothering my roommate with my incessantly loud typing! (What a great roommate I am, I know!)
Adios, amigos!
Saturday, March 30, 2013
There Isn't Much That I Feel I Need
Omg. (I'm really hoping you're not pronouncing that as "oh em gee" because it's not. Don't kid yourself, please. (SUBPARENTHESES: That's sort of sarcastic, maybe? So don't take it too harshly. Really. END SUBPARENTHESES)) But really. I say that as in "ahmg(uh)" if you were wondering. As if it were a word. Because it is. You know.
But really. omg. Animal Collective. <3 My Girls. Love that.
There isn't much that I feel I need. A solid soul and the blood I bleed. With a little girl and by my spouse. I only want a proper house.
I don't care for fancy things. Or to depart on the (freshest wave?). (But to provide for one who asks. I will with heart on my fathers grave.?)
I don't mean to seem like I care about material things. Like a social (stance?). I just want four walls and adobe slats for my girls.
So. Actually. This brings up a good point. Well, I'm going to bring up a good point. LYRICS SUCK. And I don't mean these lyrics suck. I just mean that when you can't understand what the lyrics really are it makes things so fucking confusing! Like, all those things in parentheses. I don't even know if they're actually saying that. AND WATCHING THEM LIVE DOES NOT HELP ME. In fact, I understand them less! But that doesn't stop me from loving this song. But really. It's a great song.
Anyways.... I *totally* got distracted about what I was going to say. (Fucking Animal Collective). First off, I guess I just want to say that I noticed that I have almost no problem using profanity through text, but once it comes to saying them verbally, it's a lot more difficult for me to do. I suppose I find some sort of offense to them still, verbally. Or maybe I just feel uncomfortable saying them out loud... At least around people. But yeah. I don't know. It's not that it's a bad thing or anything. But I just don't know... Whatever. Anyway. Anyway. The real thing I wanted to talk about that I don't think I brought up before, is how I started thinking of how I think about certain things. I just recently started pondering more upon my "care" for things. It started off when I was talking to one of my friends at a coffee shop, but that's irrelevant really. So, I was thinking about how I'm not sure if I really care for things, or if I'm actually in denial about caring for things because I do tend to say things like "I don't care" a lot. The more I think about it, the more confused I get. I don't think I really care for much things, but that might just be me trying not to care about things. I'm not really sure about feelings in general I guess though. What are feelings? What are emotions? What is the difference? But yeah. So, caring. I feel like it's a real arbitrary thing. I mean, sure, maybe I do care about things, but to what extent? Also, there's all these minuscule.... things? Not really sure what word I was thinking of... But whatever. Things of that nature! Or something.
Now, I've lost it. Meh. INQUISITION!
(What a way to end that, right?)
EDIT: VERY IMPORTANT!
Good thing I found the lyrics for My Girls on Animal Collective's website. Good thing they have that. I'm glad. I'm now seeing it in a new light with less frustration towards the song.
RE: EDIT:
OH. MY. GOSH. THE SITE I GOT THESE LYRICS FROM ISN'T EVEN THE ANIMAL COLLECTIVE WEBSITE. WHAT IS THIS? WHY? WAI?.... :<
THERE IS NOW A WHOLE NEW FRUSTRATION NOW. :(
I GIVE UP.
EDIT: VERY IMPORTANT!
Good thing I found the lyrics for My Girls on Animal Collective's website. Good thing they have that. I'm glad. I'm now seeing it in a new light with less frustration towards the song.
Isn’t much that I feel I need
a solid soul and the blood I bleed
With a little girl, and by my spouse
I only want a proper house
There isn’t much that I feel I need:
a solid soul and the blood I bleed.
But with a little girl, and by my spouse
I only want a proper house
I don’t care for fancy things
Or to take part in a pressured race.
But to provide for them when they ask
I will, with heart, on my father’s grave
On my father’s grave
I don’t mean
To seem like I care about material things,
Like our social status,
I just want
Four walls and adobe slabs
For my girls
RE: EDIT:
OH. MY. GOSH. THE SITE I GOT THESE LYRICS FROM ISN'T EVEN THE ANIMAL COLLECTIVE WEBSITE. WHAT IS THIS? WHY? WAI?.... :<
THERE IS NOW A WHOLE NEW FRUSTRATION NOW. :(
I GIVE UP.
What Is This?
...This is life.
I guess. So like, I'm supposed to have so many things due and upcoming this week. That's cool and all, but I can't bring myself to do them. I'm not really sure why. I don't really mind them because they have cool concepts and all, but... I guess it's just the process that gets me. Like, 6-8 page double-spaced persuasive essay, cool. I find that this has so much potential, but how many people are really going to take it seriously to that extent? Am I? I don't know. Then there's a 10-page double-spaced chem lab report on natural waters. That, I'm not looking forward to much, but it doesn't seem like it's that difficult. Just tedious. Then, I'm pretty sure I have two exams coming up. FUN. There's a philosophy exam up and coming. There's a psychology exam coming at some time... The professor never really went into that or explained it. Great!
But anyway, yeah. Yeah. Yeah... Lots of things up and up. Oh, my mind right now. It's a funny thing. It's a funny place. I really enjoy hanging out with people and stuff. And talking. And stuff. Oh! Also, I get to schedule courses for the fall semester soon. I'll be excited for that. Once that happens, then I should soon be able to plan for the spring semester. That's not crazy, is it?
Also, I realized that I feel like I might be living in my mind a lot of the times. Even as I'm there, I'm sort of not. And I'm not really sure how that happens. But it feels like a different place. And it's not that I'm purposely doing it. It might be the influence of drugs or something, but I'm not sure. It's not a bad thing inherently. At least, I don't think so. It's actually quite interesting, but there's probably some sort of thing that's off about it. It might actually be some sort of escape, but that's cool too. It's a nice break.
Uhm, what else. I don't know. I feel like I have a lot of goals that I'm thinking up, but I'm not sure how successful those will be. I don't think I fully form my thoughts, or really mean half of them or what-have-you, but they're something. They're ideas. It'd be cool if I could get things accomplished, but I think I have a sort of self-defeating attitude that prevents me from going through with them. I'm sure some things could at least start to happen, but I first need to really think them through. Right now, they really are just inklings of ideas. I suppose that's just me though. I have a hard time fully forming thoughts. They're all just a bunch of strands floating around in my head. Which I suppose is why I'm still considered "finding myself" or something like that. Or maybe those are two extremely different things. Or is anything really different? Well, yeah. But maybe not. I'm not sure. These are probably inquisitions for some other time. I'm sure they'd be some interesting things to delve into, but that's a lot of thinking. Although I do like to think, there's only *so* much that I can handle.
Now, I'm not sure what to do. There's still a good amount of time to get something done or something, but I'm sort of just tired. I did sleep like 12 hours last night... Well, I suppose I might read because I'm not really in the mood to write (haha, I'm writing right now), but I mean write in the sense of those papers. Y'know. Fun papers due soon. But I mean, there's also a lot of time for them too. I tend to have some good amount/portion of time, which is cool, I guess.
Reading would be a good thing to do now... Yeah. Reading.
Anyways, arrivederci!
I guess. So like, I'm supposed to have so many things due and upcoming this week. That's cool and all, but I can't bring myself to do them. I'm not really sure why. I don't really mind them because they have cool concepts and all, but... I guess it's just the process that gets me. Like, 6-8 page double-spaced persuasive essay, cool. I find that this has so much potential, but how many people are really going to take it seriously to that extent? Am I? I don't know. Then there's a 10-page double-spaced chem lab report on natural waters. That, I'm not looking forward to much, but it doesn't seem like it's that difficult. Just tedious. Then, I'm pretty sure I have two exams coming up. FUN. There's a philosophy exam up and coming. There's a psychology exam coming at some time... The professor never really went into that or explained it. Great!
But anyway, yeah. Yeah. Yeah... Lots of things up and up. Oh, my mind right now. It's a funny thing. It's a funny place. I really enjoy hanging out with people and stuff. And talking. And stuff. Oh! Also, I get to schedule courses for the fall semester soon. I'll be excited for that. Once that happens, then I should soon be able to plan for the spring semester. That's not crazy, is it?
Also, I realized that I feel like I might be living in my mind a lot of the times. Even as I'm there, I'm sort of not. And I'm not really sure how that happens. But it feels like a different place. And it's not that I'm purposely doing it. It might be the influence of drugs or something, but I'm not sure. It's not a bad thing inherently. At least, I don't think so. It's actually quite interesting, but there's probably some sort of thing that's off about it. It might actually be some sort of escape, but that's cool too. It's a nice break.
Uhm, what else. I don't know. I feel like I have a lot of goals that I'm thinking up, but I'm not sure how successful those will be. I don't think I fully form my thoughts, or really mean half of them or what-have-you, but they're something. They're ideas. It'd be cool if I could get things accomplished, but I think I have a sort of self-defeating attitude that prevents me from going through with them. I'm sure some things could at least start to happen, but I first need to really think them through. Right now, they really are just inklings of ideas. I suppose that's just me though. I have a hard time fully forming thoughts. They're all just a bunch of strands floating around in my head. Which I suppose is why I'm still considered "finding myself" or something like that. Or maybe those are two extremely different things. Or is anything really different? Well, yeah. But maybe not. I'm not sure. These are probably inquisitions for some other time. I'm sure they'd be some interesting things to delve into, but that's a lot of thinking. Although I do like to think, there's only *so* much that I can handle.
Now, I'm not sure what to do. There's still a good amount of time to get something done or something, but I'm sort of just tired. I did sleep like 12 hours last night... Well, I suppose I might read because I'm not really in the mood to write (haha, I'm writing right now), but I mean write in the sense of those papers. Y'know. Fun papers due soon. But I mean, there's also a lot of time for them too. I tend to have some good amount/portion of time, which is cool, I guess.
Reading would be a good thing to do now... Yeah. Reading.
Anyways, arrivederci!
Spring?!
Is it finally spring here? Maybe. It's some nice weather that I'm considering walking in and probably going to a coffee shop and what-have-you.
Anywho, a song that perfectly describes this moment: Smith Westerns - Weekend because it is the weekend and it's a real good song. Weekends are never fun unless you're around, too~
And let's see... So, I've been taking supplements, which I enjoy. Is that weird? I guess it's just the whole taking pills thing. Plus, I gotta remember to take them daily or what-have-you. I don't quite follow the directions because I don't want to really "Take two daily twice a day"-type thing. I just take one. That should be at least good enough right? Better than overdosing. Supplements are good, they're nice and stuff. Better than drugs! Listen kids! BETTER THAN DRUGS!
And I realize that my past two posts were me under some sort of influence, but I think I made it sound worse than it really was. I wasn't under any influence of things like weed or coke or that hard stuff. Just know that. And I realize that I made some mistakes - as in spelling and grammar - but remember, I was under an influence. :)
Wellp, so I'm hoping to try to write more in this blog, but before those other posts, I haven't been feeling my best, probably because I'm going through motions in my head. Like: if someone calls you something like say, "whore," should you go to try and change your ways, or should you not care? I mean, context in which things of that matter are said should definitely be taken into consideration, but in my opinion, I don't think it should matter. You should care who you are, and not care what other people think of you - type of thing. Like, if someone says they don't like the music you listen to, should you just stop listening to that music and go to a more, say, "poppy" sound? Or something like that? No. I was there. I used to listen to stuff like Justin Bieber and people are like: ew. You listen to him? And I'm just like: uhh.... yes? But then after that, I took all songs like that off my music list and changed. Looking back, sure I should have embraced it, but then again, things like that have shaped me as a person. I'm sort of happy with who I am now, although I know I'm still going to change, but I'm fairly satisfied with how I turned out thus far, and things like that have changed me.
Anyways, let's hope I figure things out, become a pretty great person who helps people without caring what other people think. Or something like that.
Food for thought, happy thoughts, learning experiences, etc.
Bella Ciao. (That's a song too!)
Anywho, a song that perfectly describes this moment: Smith Westerns - Weekend because it is the weekend and it's a real good song. Weekends are never fun unless you're around, too~
And let's see... So, I've been taking supplements, which I enjoy. Is that weird? I guess it's just the whole taking pills thing. Plus, I gotta remember to take them daily or what-have-you. I don't quite follow the directions because I don't want to really "Take two daily twice a day"-type thing. I just take one. That should be at least good enough right? Better than overdosing. Supplements are good, they're nice and stuff. Better than drugs! Listen kids! BETTER THAN DRUGS!
And I realize that my past two posts were me under some sort of influence, but I think I made it sound worse than it really was. I wasn't under any influence of things like weed or coke or that hard stuff. Just know that. And I realize that I made some mistakes - as in spelling and grammar - but remember, I was under an influence. :)
Wellp, so I'm hoping to try to write more in this blog, but before those other posts, I haven't been feeling my best, probably because I'm going through motions in my head. Like: if someone calls you something like say, "whore," should you go to try and change your ways, or should you not care? I mean, context in which things of that matter are said should definitely be taken into consideration, but in my opinion, I don't think it should matter. You should care who you are, and not care what other people think of you - type of thing. Like, if someone says they don't like the music you listen to, should you just stop listening to that music and go to a more, say, "poppy" sound? Or something like that? No. I was there. I used to listen to stuff like Justin Bieber and people are like: ew. You listen to him? And I'm just like: uhh.... yes? But then after that, I took all songs like that off my music list and changed. Looking back, sure I should have embraced it, but then again, things like that have shaped me as a person. I'm sort of happy with who I am now, although I know I'm still going to change, but I'm fairly satisfied with how I turned out thus far, and things like that have changed me.
Anyways, let's hope I figure things out, become a pretty great person who helps people without caring what other people think. Or something like that.
Food for thought, happy thoughts, learning experiences, etc.
Bella Ciao. (That's a song too!)
Friday, March 29, 2013
Why Did I Just Do That?
Wellp. It's now 3:48 and counting in the morning. I'd like to sleep in my bed without the worries of classes or anything, but someone is occupying my bed right now. I mean, sure I can rightfully take it back, but I don't want to disturb this friend or anything. It seems as if they've had a hard time sleeping, so I'm just letting them sleep. Aren't I a good friend? Maybe.
I'm not really sure what I'm doing. Now would be a good time to sleepover at someone else's place. But that'd also be rude of me. I really want to sleep in a warm, comfy bed right now, but it's okay I guess. I just need to get through today. I just need to get through today...
I just need to keep telling myself that. *sigh* it's going to be a long day. There's no one to talk to at almost-4AM. Everyone is sleeping. Except for the people on the West Coast because it's three hours ahead over there. Whatever!
Anyways, yeah. I don't know why I did that or why I do what I do. I knew that I would have a sleepless night if I let this friend stay over, but I was super tired. I was no fun. I was lonely. Now, they're asleep, snoring on my bed, and that's okay. I guess. I'm just cold, on my floor, with little sad attempts at trying to fall asleep. I don't think it's so much the floor that's making me tired, as so the window being open. I'd close the window, but I fear it'd become too hot then. There's no winning! Now, I suppose I'm just constantly writing in this blog because I cannot do much else and there is no one to talk to. At least I don't think so. Anywho, I'm being super delusional and stuff and can't remember what actually happened and what I imagined happening because I'm so freaking tired. I just need to survive 12 hours or so of consciousness. That's doable. Hopefully. Ugh. I know I'm probably going to be so annoyed at this friend in the morning. Maybe I just need space. People are starting to make me feel weird. This one other friend has been talking to me (a lot more) and it's sort of been freaking me out. I think they want more than a friendship, but I don't. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I just did that. Those kind of things.
I'm sort of hungry, sort of thirsty, but not in the mood to eat or drink. I'm tired. Now, I don't even feel anything - as in drugs - I guess. I'm just super tired. And I just want sleep. Blah. I don't want to wake my friend up.
What is a friend? I don't know. Most of the time I feel like I'm just being used, and maybe I'm fine with that. Whatever works, I suppose. Maybe I just don't care enough to do anything about anything. Like, this one friend just seems to use me, although she's nice and all, she's also mean. I don't need another older sister. And she's just being a jerk to me. It's questionable as to why we're "friends," but I feel like she needs one, so I'm there. I guess. There to just have my ear talked off. To be there as "support" and to just listen I guess. Although, being the jerk-ish friend I am, I don't pay much attention. I mean, all she does is shoot the things I say down and it's like: okay. Now what? I'm supposed to sit there and listen to her whine and complain all the time, but when I whine or complain she pretty much tells me to shut the fuck up? That's cool I guess. Whatever.
Now, I just sound bitter. I'm just cranky and tired. What happened to my happiness? Aw, man. I liked it. Wellp. It's not for another 3 hours until things start to happen. You know? Nothing's happening right now... People are all asleep. I don't want to wake this friend up. I don't want to wake other friends up. I don't know what to do. A walk sounded nice, but I didn't actually go for a walk because of my hunger and lack of confidence. I could've gotten raped! Y'know! I don't know. My bad was also heavy and filled with things and I was unmotivated. As I usually am. I'm probably the most unmotivated person ever.
Anyways, I'm not sure now. It just turned 4. So yeah... Hmm... Tired. Floor. Hard. Cold. Movement. I am drifting through everything right now. But not really. Just tired, not sure if I could keep my eyes open. Not sure if I could handle going to class today.... I don't even know what's going on. I just want to sleep all day now, but that's not going to happen. I also need to do laundry some time soon. Fuck. Why do I feel like people just use me? Why do I use people? Am I really heartless? Do I have no shame? I suppose if I had no shame or anything, I'd be friends with the mail guy by now. But whatever. It'll hopefully happen eventually. I think I should be receiving packages soon. I'm curious as to how the mail works. Hmm... Anyways, what else. I'm just super, extremely tired and unable to wake my friend up because it's rude. I don't know. Maybe they shouldn't have stayed over, although it's whatever I guess. If they enjoyed it. Which I doubt. Because I was asleep half the time. We didn't match up. I'm just annoyed now. Or was. Or will be. I just cannot tolerate people anymore. I don't know. I need to get fixed again. All that progress today (technically yesterday) gone to waste, not that that was progress anyway. I don't know. Too many things happen. I am tired. Good night? Maybe. I have nothing better to do, really. Not that this is a bad thing. I just can't do anything else because that would require more things that I can't handle...
My bed... is occupied. I wish I could be in another friend's bed right now, without having to feel guilty of leaving my first friend (that's sleeping on my bed) here (being my dorm). Oh well. Maybe some other time, when my friend isn't hanging around or irritating me, I'd be with another friend, sharing their bed. That'd be cool. I like comfy beds. I like hanging out with people. I like sleep...
Anywho... I don't know what else to say, except adios!
I'm not really sure what I'm doing. Now would be a good time to sleepover at someone else's place. But that'd also be rude of me. I really want to sleep in a warm, comfy bed right now, but it's okay I guess. I just need to get through today. I just need to get through today...
I just need to keep telling myself that. *sigh* it's going to be a long day. There's no one to talk to at almost-4AM. Everyone is sleeping. Except for the people on the West Coast because it's three hours ahead over there. Whatever!
Anyways, yeah. I don't know why I did that or why I do what I do. I knew that I would have a sleepless night if I let this friend stay over, but I was super tired. I was no fun. I was lonely. Now, they're asleep, snoring on my bed, and that's okay. I guess. I'm just cold, on my floor, with little sad attempts at trying to fall asleep. I don't think it's so much the floor that's making me tired, as so the window being open. I'd close the window, but I fear it'd become too hot then. There's no winning! Now, I suppose I'm just constantly writing in this blog because I cannot do much else and there is no one to talk to. At least I don't think so. Anywho, I'm being super delusional and stuff and can't remember what actually happened and what I imagined happening because I'm so freaking tired. I just need to survive 12 hours or so of consciousness. That's doable. Hopefully. Ugh. I know I'm probably going to be so annoyed at this friend in the morning. Maybe I just need space. People are starting to make me feel weird. This one other friend has been talking to me (a lot more) and it's sort of been freaking me out. I think they want more than a friendship, but I don't. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I just did that. Those kind of things.
I'm sort of hungry, sort of thirsty, but not in the mood to eat or drink. I'm tired. Now, I don't even feel anything - as in drugs - I guess. I'm just super tired. And I just want sleep. Blah. I don't want to wake my friend up.
What is a friend? I don't know. Most of the time I feel like I'm just being used, and maybe I'm fine with that. Whatever works, I suppose. Maybe I just don't care enough to do anything about anything. Like, this one friend just seems to use me, although she's nice and all, she's also mean. I don't need another older sister. And she's just being a jerk to me. It's questionable as to why we're "friends," but I feel like she needs one, so I'm there. I guess. There to just have my ear talked off. To be there as "support" and to just listen I guess. Although, being the jerk-ish friend I am, I don't pay much attention. I mean, all she does is shoot the things I say down and it's like: okay. Now what? I'm supposed to sit there and listen to her whine and complain all the time, but when I whine or complain she pretty much tells me to shut the fuck up? That's cool I guess. Whatever.
Now, I just sound bitter. I'm just cranky and tired. What happened to my happiness? Aw, man. I liked it. Wellp. It's not for another 3 hours until things start to happen. You know? Nothing's happening right now... People are all asleep. I don't want to wake this friend up. I don't want to wake other friends up. I don't know what to do. A walk sounded nice, but I didn't actually go for a walk because of my hunger and lack of confidence. I could've gotten raped! Y'know! I don't know. My bad was also heavy and filled with things and I was unmotivated. As I usually am. I'm probably the most unmotivated person ever.
Anyways, I'm not sure now. It just turned 4. So yeah... Hmm... Tired. Floor. Hard. Cold. Movement. I am drifting through everything right now. But not really. Just tired, not sure if I could keep my eyes open. Not sure if I could handle going to class today.... I don't even know what's going on. I just want to sleep all day now, but that's not going to happen. I also need to do laundry some time soon. Fuck. Why do I feel like people just use me? Why do I use people? Am I really heartless? Do I have no shame? I suppose if I had no shame or anything, I'd be friends with the mail guy by now. But whatever. It'll hopefully happen eventually. I think I should be receiving packages soon. I'm curious as to how the mail works. Hmm... Anyways, what else. I'm just super, extremely tired and unable to wake my friend up because it's rude. I don't know. Maybe they shouldn't have stayed over, although it's whatever I guess. If they enjoyed it. Which I doubt. Because I was asleep half the time. We didn't match up. I'm just annoyed now. Or was. Or will be. I just cannot tolerate people anymore. I don't know. I need to get fixed again. All that progress today (technically yesterday) gone to waste, not that that was progress anyway. I don't know. Too many things happen. I am tired. Good night? Maybe. I have nothing better to do, really. Not that this is a bad thing. I just can't do anything else because that would require more things that I can't handle...
My bed... is occupied. I wish I could be in another friend's bed right now, without having to feel guilty of leaving my first friend (that's sleeping on my bed) here (being my dorm). Oh well. Maybe some other time, when my friend isn't hanging around or irritating me, I'd be with another friend, sharing their bed. That'd be cool. I like comfy beds. I like hanging out with people. I like sleep...
Anywho... I don't know what else to say, except adios!
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