Erratic Episodes

So, I'm at a point where I always end up. The feeling of annoying people. The feeling of being annoyed by people. It never turns out well. Why am I like this? Do I care? Don't I care? I'm not really sure why it happens, but it seems to be a fairly vicious cycle. I feel like I need space, but at the same time, I think I just need to comfort of people. Which I seem to reject. Because. I sort of hate people. But not really. I think it's just that some people need to give me space, whilst other people whom I want to be hanging out with are busy with their own lives, or that's how it seems. As much as I enjoy being with people, I don't really like becoming close with people. And whenever something close to that happens, I think I tend to just have this force field bubble thing where I just push people away. I back away and put myself in this downward spiral. It's not that I'm consciously doing this, but I'm not really sure.
I guess I sort of can't wait for new things. Being back home after not having been there for practically a year. Seeing what's new if anything. Just having a new old feeling I guess. Having the same ole foods, the same ole people, new experiences though. New mindset. And then I get to be back here with new people, since everyone else is going to be out doing their own things for summer.
I also realized that some of my senior friends are leaving, which I'm sad for. And I know there's that whole keeping in touch thing, but I don't know. I guess I'll try. I was talking to one of my friends about proximity and how the reason why a lot of people are friends are because of the close proximity, which I get. There is that proximity thing. Once the proximity is gone, it's hard to stay friends. I mean, even with the close proximity, it's hard for me to have friends. I mean, maybe I'm back in the mindset where I don't have friends and that happened really quick compared to how happy I was recently, but I guess things happen quickly. Sometimes. I mean, also, I'm hoping to be able to hang out with people in the coming days, but I also get that there are exams and stuff coming up so people are busy. I don't know. I'm sad and lonely now, if I were to have emotions.
I sort of just want to drown. And I don't mean like in water drown or like near-death drown. But I want to drown in knowledge, in emotions (positive), and things like that. I want to be active I guess. I want to participate in life. But right now, I don't feel that connection to do that. I don't know. I don't know many things. Maybe that's my whole ambivalent thing going on right now. I'm always on the fence on things... It's not a good thing, but I feel like it's hard to change such a thing. People make it sound so easy to do things, but it's not as easy as it seems...
I think a lot of self-reflection is going on right now. Or maybe just a whole bunch of crazy. I'm not sure how that's going. Just when I thought I was accepting myself...
Maybe I'm bi-polar or have bi-polar tendencies. Maybe.