So, I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I had just finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower the other day, and my mind is now floating off. I also watched the movie version, and thought the book was a lot more detailed, as well as my imagination on the book, although it's probably skewed like it is most of the times.
Things are a daze. I'm not sure if I'm apathetic right now, or just lost. Last night was fairly terrible. Truth be told, I texted my ex-boyfriend, which was a big mistake. And it wasn't because it was V-Day that I texted him. I'm not really sure why it happened. I shouldn't have done that though. Maybe I was tired. Maybe I was just floating... But I shouldn't have done it. It made it difficult to breathe and my heart pound. Not in a good way or in a "I wish I were still with him way." In all honesty, I hate the guy. He's a real jerk. I think the reason why my heart was pounding was because after I sent that first text, I definitely regretted it and was afraid. I was afraid that the bullying would continue. My past would continue to haunt me into the present. People will find me and I will carry this weight with me always. But I have to be strong now. I have to live in the now and forget the whole conversation of last night.
I think I have to shake off The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I don't want to blame the book or movie or anything, but that's really when I started acting weird yesterday. I'm too consumed in my mind. It's kind of devouring me right now. I can only try to act normal right now and it's scaring me. I shouldn't be sad. I shouldn't be this devastated right now, but I just might be.
I need to be happy again. I have people who I can call friends now and people who I like. I have the hope of making new friends and being a better person. I have hopes of great things happening.
But, maybe I need this sort of thing right now. This floating. I'm not sure how it feels. I know it's bad for me, but I feel like it's just something that happens. I don't know....
I don't want to scare anyone really. I hope things get better.
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