So, it's about 5 in the morning here. I actually woke up at about 3:45 or so, and couldn't go back to sleep, and now here I am. I decided to hit the showers and get a head-start on my day... I guess. I'm actually just on my laptop in the dark in my dorm room because my roommate is sleeping. I've been listening to Coldplay's Don't Panic (on repeat) because it's quite lovely. "We live in a beautiful world."
I'm hoping I'm not waking or keeping my roommate up because of my loud, incessant clickity-clacking (typing on the keyboard). And also, I'm just doing blind crafts because I don't want to turn the light on. Whooooo... I guess we'll see how that turns out.
My sister apparently got me this 3-month plan food-care-package thing, and I'm worried that I'll be leaving before that last package arrives. I have to wait until a better time to ask her about it, since it's even earlier where she is. But, I really am excited to get these packages, and it's not just because they're food... Maybe. But, thinking about it now, I am a bit hungry... Breakfast doesn't start for another 2 hours pretty much.
Spring Break is next week... Wonder how that's going to go. Quiche Sundays might be put on hold, but then there's Saints Saturdays (aka coffee and quiche).
I hadn't asked my roommate yet, but I got a text from a friend asking if they could spend the night later tonight, and I said they could. Pfft. They offered to pay, but that's ridiculous, right? Friends shouldn't have to pay unless they really want to. I welcome my friends with open arms. Unless I'm not comfortable with human contact at the time... Then I welcome them... With mental open arms.
I'm a bit worried about taxes also. I have no idea how to do that. And I don't know when I should do that... Maybe soon I guess. I don't know anything anymore. Like, the FAFSA? What do I do?! *worry* I should probably get on that... Maybe, now's the opportune time to get that done.
I think I'm started to get a bit tired, but I already started my day! I mean, I'm not fully dressed yet (meaning I'm in my pjs and not real clothes, not that pjs aren't real clothes). Hmm...
I've had the phrase, "for sh*ts and gigs" (I know it's really "giggles" but hey... my head, my thoughts) stuck in my head for the past 8 hours or so... I don't really know why, but that made me think again about my use of profanity (or lack thereof, really). I mean, it's no big deal really, but I just feel uncomfortable to use such words.
Today's a fairly busy day. Breakfast. Class. Break-time. Lunch To-Go. Eye Appointment. Class. Class. Class. Break-time. Dinner? Club. Club. Club. Hang out with friend? Let other friend sleep over. Sleep. Not sure how this is going to go over.
So, I recently tried Italian Wedding soup and I actually really enjoyed it. But, now the dining commons is lying about serving it because they really mean Shrimp Corn soup or something of that variation. So, their menu lies, and that makes me sad. This isn't the first time. But today, I really hope there is Shepherd's Pie for lunch. I like that too. I can't wait for the next time they have Italian Wedding soup though. And then I also want tater tots sometime soon... We shall see how that turns out.
I've been asking a lot of people to hang out and stuff, but there aren't definite plans. I feel a bit bad because I feel like they might not ever happen and are just wishful words. I really do want to hang out with these people, but since I like planning things, it's hard to get definite plans (especially since things never really go according to plan), and also, I wouldn't like being stood up... Fear of Rejection. *sigh*
Also, I want to make more friends. I think alcohol helps me socialize, but that isn't to say that I'm dependent on the alcohol, because if you know me, I can talk to people. And I dislike the phrase "liquid courage" for alcohol because even if that is true, I feel like it's not what I want from it.
I don't know. I suppose that's good for now. I've passed by a good 45 minutes. 'Til next time!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Experimental Experience
So, my school has this thing called, "State Patty's Day." I wonder what school I go to, right? Gee. But, anyways, yeah. I hung out with a friend and drank some bit, which was actually pretty fun. I think I can actually say that I understand why some people drink. It actually is nice to just go out to parties to drink and socialize. For one, drinking loosens ya up a bit (which may or may not be a good thing), and hey, who doesn't want to make new friends, right? I mean, I sure want to make friends. Which is why I found today such a fairly good day. I love making new friends. I got to meet people and everything. I mean, I think I'm a bit weird when I drink, but it's kind of just... nice. Today was a bit worrisome because of the whole "rage" with State Patty's Day and cops being e'erwhere, but it was a'ight.
Uhhh,.... I'm not really sure how to relay this. Anyways, I guess it started a couple days ago, when I went with my friend to prepare for today (this day - State Patty's Day, which she says is actually the whole weekend). And then she got some alcohol, and we tested it out. That day, I ended up just being "tipsy," which I found to be a nice feeling. Just all, loose-y goose-y. (Bring it around town). Then after that, Friday came around. I watched the Vagina Monologues with one of my other friends after eating at Red Lobster with the same friend that I tested the alcohol with. Then, today, we just drank some, "pre-gaming" for the day, and then getting ready to head to a party/parties. We had/tried some things like Buttery Nipples, Dirty Girl Scouts, and Caramel Apple shots. Then, we had "Cherry Rum & Coke" with Maraschino cherries to go, but it was really just Cherry Rum and Cherry Pepsi, mixed with some vodka because there wasn't the right amount of cherry rum. Then, we headed out to the downtown area. On the way, one of the performers in the Vagina Monologues sat next to me, so I started talking to her a bit. My friend placed my hand on her leg for a bit because I wasn't paying much attention, then she placed my hand on her boob for a bit, which surprised me... because I wasn't paying much attention... Then, we headed to one of my friend's friend's house/apartment, who ended up not being there. When we got to that apartment though, eventually some cops came by, which scared me a bit because my friend had the cherry rum and coke, which she had in the hallway because she was talking to her friend, and I was told to try and get it... but there was the police. Man, glad they just walked by. Whew. Anyways, after that, we headed over to where that friend went, and chilled there for a bit. Then we eventually took one of the other friends home, and chilled there for a bit. This friend had their roommates home, which was a surprise to them, but it was all fun in the end. Some other people ended up coming over and my friend and I performed for them (she hula-hooped and juggled a bit, and I just juggled) and they found it amazing, which was cool. But yeah, these people were pretty cool. Probably the highlight of the night. Then, one of my friend's other friend(s) came to pick us up and bring us over to their apartment. This friend had their one roommate home, who was pretty cool in the end, although they made it out to seem like they were pretty mean. We played Mancala and talked and stuff. Not sure what to think in the end though, besides that it was a pretty fun night/day, I guess. Hope something like this could happen again because I thought those people were really cool.
So, now, I'm sober and writing this. Kind of sad because I'm bored and there's not much to do, not that I want to be anywhere inebriated anymore. It's the end of this weekend (even though it's the start of Sunday). And Spring break is next week. So, we'll see what's up with what.
Also, to mention, I also tried some "Vlad," Jack Daniel's, Captain Morgan, and Everclear. Not the best ideas or choices, but it was a try for a try. Note to self: Never try Vlad or Everclear again. They tasted terrible.
And also to mention, I feel like it's a breakthrough with life, but I hope I do not become anywhere near alcoholic. I know my limits. I drank water when I knew I felt like I was about to throw up. Glad I did not throw up. I did not black out and I remember everything.
So yeah. Until next time. Let's hope I make some good friends. We'll see.
Uhhh,.... I'm not really sure how to relay this. Anyways, I guess it started a couple days ago, when I went with my friend to prepare for today (this day - State Patty's Day, which she says is actually the whole weekend). And then she got some alcohol, and we tested it out. That day, I ended up just being "tipsy," which I found to be a nice feeling. Just all, loose-y goose-y. (Bring it around town). Then after that, Friday came around. I watched the Vagina Monologues with one of my other friends after eating at Red Lobster with the same friend that I tested the alcohol with. Then, today, we just drank some, "pre-gaming" for the day, and then getting ready to head to a party/parties. We had/tried some things like Buttery Nipples, Dirty Girl Scouts, and Caramel Apple shots. Then, we had "Cherry Rum & Coke" with Maraschino cherries to go, but it was really just Cherry Rum and Cherry Pepsi, mixed with some vodka because there wasn't the right amount of cherry rum. Then, we headed out to the downtown area. On the way, one of the performers in the Vagina Monologues sat next to me, so I started talking to her a bit. My friend placed my hand on her leg for a bit because I wasn't paying much attention, then she placed my hand on her boob for a bit, which surprised me... because I wasn't paying much attention... Then, we headed to one of my friend's friend's house/apartment, who ended up not being there. When we got to that apartment though, eventually some cops came by, which scared me a bit because my friend had the cherry rum and coke, which she had in the hallway because she was talking to her friend, and I was told to try and get it... but there was the police. Man, glad they just walked by. Whew. Anyways, after that, we headed over to where that friend went, and chilled there for a bit. Then we eventually took one of the other friends home, and chilled there for a bit. This friend had their roommates home, which was a surprise to them, but it was all fun in the end. Some other people ended up coming over and my friend and I performed for them (she hula-hooped and juggled a bit, and I just juggled) and they found it amazing, which was cool. But yeah, these people were pretty cool. Probably the highlight of the night. Then, one of my friend's other friend(s) came to pick us up and bring us over to their apartment. This friend had their one roommate home, who was pretty cool in the end, although they made it out to seem like they were pretty mean. We played Mancala and talked and stuff. Not sure what to think in the end though, besides that it was a pretty fun night/day, I guess. Hope something like this could happen again because I thought those people were really cool.
So, now, I'm sober and writing this. Kind of sad because I'm bored and there's not much to do, not that I want to be anywhere inebriated anymore. It's the end of this weekend (even though it's the start of Sunday). And Spring break is next week. So, we'll see what's up with what.
Also, to mention, I also tried some "Vlad," Jack Daniel's, Captain Morgan, and Everclear. Not the best ideas or choices, but it was a try for a try. Note to self: Never try Vlad or Everclear again. They tasted terrible.
And also to mention, I feel like it's a breakthrough with life, but I hope I do not become anywhere near alcoholic. I know my limits. I drank water when I knew I felt like I was about to throw up. Glad I did not throw up. I did not black out and I remember everything.
So yeah. Until next time. Let's hope I make some good friends. We'll see.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Mopey Mondays
...But wait, it's Tuesday. Wellp, that too.
Monday was a bit sad because my day started out with me seeing a dead squirrel, which made me sad. My first class was sort of cancelled because the professor had low blood pressure and was told to rest for a day or two, so I didn't have to wake up as early, but I had an optometrist appointment. Whilst on the way to the bus stop and waiting at the bus stop, I came across a squirrel that was dead in the middle of the road. In all honesty, I wanted to move it, seeing as it hadn't been crushed to the ground at this point, but I was hesitant since I hadn't any gloves or anything to pick it up with (maybe not that it should matter). So, I left it there... By the end of the day, it had been smothered to the ground. So, no one had done anything, but watch it get repetitively ran over. And half the time, I'm just thinking that I'm weird for just wanting to stare at it. When I first saw it, when I last saw it, I just wanted to stare at it. Up close too. Just to stare at it. Maybe for my condolences, but I don't know.
Another reason why Monday was a bit disappointing was that one of my classes was deliberating. Or at least practicing deliberating. And my view on that is that successful deliberation is only ideal. I don't think I believe that deliberation can ever really be successful. We can only try and in most times, it's not actual deliberation because in the end, people will either just agree or something. In most cases, there are going to be compromises, or things of that sort. No one will always get what they want fully and completely. Also, I know that my views compared to my peers are usually "out there," so, what should I say? They might not even have to do with the topic at hand. Like, we're talking about (more or less) eco-friendly options and whether there should be drastic actions taken - by government and businesses. And I'm here thinking: Well, we're so used to living in such a fast-pace that maybe things such as taxes and rations would help us live a slower-pace - like, live in the moment. And is America a melting pot or mosaic? How does that affect our inability to make decisions? Why can't we come up with decisions? If it'll benefit everyone, why are we, in the end, so selfish? Things like that. So, I'm not really up for deliberating.
Also, Also, Also. The kid in my psych class. C'mon! I just want to be friends. It really seems like he's avoiding me. He gets to class like right when it starts and leaves right when it ends. HOW ARE WE GOING TO BE FRIENDS IF YOU KEEP RUNNING AWAY?
Well, yesterday, I got to juggle, which was nice. But some of my friends didn't show up. (You know who you are!). And then, some people were mean! But whatever! I just felt weird about it. I mean, there was a new person who came by and she seemed like a nice person. And then the lot of them went out for dinner, but I passed because I had another club afterwards, and also, I don't think I was particularly in the mood to become more sad. I wasn't in the mood to do much really. But, I had the itching feeling that if I went to dinner, I would inevitably turn out ultimately depressed about the time (that's a bit of an exaggeration).
Anyways, after juggling club, I went to my other club, the Harry Potter club at my school. And I mean, I got to meet some people, but I didn't participate in the games they played... Because I wasn't in the mood to do much still. It was an okay time...
And I guess I should be happier about today because I'm going to be hanging out with one of my friends, but I don't know. I woke up to it snowing and that doesn't really make my day because the timing's inconvenient. And it's not the same as a pretty snow, but more of a sorrowful snow, at least to me. It's putting a bit of a damper on my day. And then, one of the only classes I have today (I have one class and a lab), my friend didn't show up! I planned to talk to him and stuff! Instead, this one girl sat next to me and said hi to me. Not that that's a bad thing, but she got my hopes up because I thought she was my friend. And so, I was there, hoping she wouldn't ask me for help with the work we had to do, because in most cases, it seems that people just look for me to help, or more rather just look at my work. Thanks for trying at doing work on your own guys. (Note: The friend in this class is not the same friend that I'm going to be hanging out with later today).
Anyways, one of the only things that's going to get me through the day is this song: The Offspring's You're Gonna Go Far, Kid. And maybe also if I get my package (books!) and make friends with the guy at the desk where I could pick up my package. And maybe if things just turn out well... I don't know. Let's hope for a good day. Maybe hopefully, a good week. Please!
Monday was a bit sad because my day started out with me seeing a dead squirrel, which made me sad. My first class was sort of cancelled because the professor had low blood pressure and was told to rest for a day or two, so I didn't have to wake up as early, but I had an optometrist appointment. Whilst on the way to the bus stop and waiting at the bus stop, I came across a squirrel that was dead in the middle of the road. In all honesty, I wanted to move it, seeing as it hadn't been crushed to the ground at this point, but I was hesitant since I hadn't any gloves or anything to pick it up with (maybe not that it should matter). So, I left it there... By the end of the day, it had been smothered to the ground. So, no one had done anything, but watch it get repetitively ran over. And half the time, I'm just thinking that I'm weird for just wanting to stare at it. When I first saw it, when I last saw it, I just wanted to stare at it. Up close too. Just to stare at it. Maybe for my condolences, but I don't know.
Another reason why Monday was a bit disappointing was that one of my classes was deliberating. Or at least practicing deliberating. And my view on that is that successful deliberation is only ideal. I don't think I believe that deliberation can ever really be successful. We can only try and in most times, it's not actual deliberation because in the end, people will either just agree or something. In most cases, there are going to be compromises, or things of that sort. No one will always get what they want fully and completely. Also, I know that my views compared to my peers are usually "out there," so, what should I say? They might not even have to do with the topic at hand. Like, we're talking about (more or less) eco-friendly options and whether there should be drastic actions taken - by government and businesses. And I'm here thinking: Well, we're so used to living in such a fast-pace that maybe things such as taxes and rations would help us live a slower-pace - like, live in the moment. And is America a melting pot or mosaic? How does that affect our inability to make decisions? Why can't we come up with decisions? If it'll benefit everyone, why are we, in the end, so selfish? Things like that. So, I'm not really up for deliberating.
Also, Also, Also. The kid in my psych class. C'mon! I just want to be friends. It really seems like he's avoiding me. He gets to class like right when it starts and leaves right when it ends. HOW ARE WE GOING TO BE FRIENDS IF YOU KEEP RUNNING AWAY?
Well, yesterday, I got to juggle, which was nice. But some of my friends didn't show up. (You know who you are!). And then, some people were mean! But whatever! I just felt weird about it. I mean, there was a new person who came by and she seemed like a nice person. And then the lot of them went out for dinner, but I passed because I had another club afterwards, and also, I don't think I was particularly in the mood to become more sad. I wasn't in the mood to do much really. But, I had the itching feeling that if I went to dinner, I would inevitably turn out ultimately depressed about the time (that's a bit of an exaggeration).
Anyways, after juggling club, I went to my other club, the Harry Potter club at my school. And I mean, I got to meet some people, but I didn't participate in the games they played... Because I wasn't in the mood to do much still. It was an okay time...
And I guess I should be happier about today because I'm going to be hanging out with one of my friends, but I don't know. I woke up to it snowing and that doesn't really make my day because the timing's inconvenient. And it's not the same as a pretty snow, but more of a sorrowful snow, at least to me. It's putting a bit of a damper on my day. And then, one of the only classes I have today (I have one class and a lab), my friend didn't show up! I planned to talk to him and stuff! Instead, this one girl sat next to me and said hi to me. Not that that's a bad thing, but she got my hopes up because I thought she was my friend. And so, I was there, hoping she wouldn't ask me for help with the work we had to do, because in most cases, it seems that people just look for me to help, or more rather just look at my work. Thanks for trying at doing work on your own guys. (Note: The friend in this class is not the same friend that I'm going to be hanging out with later today).
Anyways, one of the only things that's going to get me through the day is this song: The Offspring's You're Gonna Go Far, Kid. And maybe also if I get my package (books!) and make friends with the guy at the desk where I could pick up my package. And maybe if things just turn out well... I don't know. Let's hope for a good day. Maybe hopefully, a good week. Please!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Simple Stuff
Nothing major to talk about right now, except that I've found some new and good music that I just love! I'm really digging this song (Even though it's a bit old), but hey, it's good. It's just adorable: Landon Pigg's Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop. It makes me wish I were in love. D'aw. But, it's okay. Hopefully, that'll come in time. (And I mean that in a non-depressing way, because it's a cute song). I've also found a lot of other songs (Thanks Pandora!) that I like, and got to keep track of because of my account and the "likes" page. Awesome!
Something else that came up is that I think my body hates me. I mean, I'm getting better and I'm hardly considered sick now (Just the occasional cough, but trust me, I'm not sick anymore). But, I can't lick my hands anymore! (And I know that sounds weird, but you would understand if you're one of those people who lick your fingers after eating something like finger food, right?). I'm that type of person, sometimes at least... But now, I can't even do that because there's something wrong with my hands! It's like they're poisoned! I guess it's just telling me that I should kick that habit... *sigh* I guess. Operant Conditioning, without anybody actually, purposely instigating the conditioning? Whatever body and poisons! (Don't worry, I don't literally mean poison. Not that I would know what it is. For all I know, it could be poison.).
Lately, I've been thinking that I've been a mess and I need to clean stuff up. Especially the stuff in my dorm. I really need to clean it up... But I'm also waiting for people to take presents! I don't want these things! They're lame! And I'm sorry for whoever gets these things! I just want to get rid of all this stuff.
That brings me to: Oh, right. I sort of accidentally, but not accidentally cut my hair. I get crazy with scissors. And my hair. I pick at it too much. And it's just been annoying me. So much for growing my hair out. Not that it's noticeable that I did much to it. But whatever.
What else.... Simple, simple stuff. Wellp, until next time I guess. Peace!
Something else that came up is that I think my body hates me. I mean, I'm getting better and I'm hardly considered sick now (Just the occasional cough, but trust me, I'm not sick anymore). But, I can't lick my hands anymore! (And I know that sounds weird, but you would understand if you're one of those people who lick your fingers after eating something like finger food, right?). I'm that type of person, sometimes at least... But now, I can't even do that because there's something wrong with my hands! It's like they're poisoned! I guess it's just telling me that I should kick that habit... *sigh* I guess. Operant Conditioning, without anybody actually, purposely instigating the conditioning? Whatever body and poisons! (Don't worry, I don't literally mean poison. Not that I would know what it is. For all I know, it could be poison.).
Lately, I've been thinking that I've been a mess and I need to clean stuff up. Especially the stuff in my dorm. I really need to clean it up... But I'm also waiting for people to take presents! I don't want these things! They're lame! And I'm sorry for whoever gets these things! I just want to get rid of all this stuff.
That brings me to: Oh, right. I sort of accidentally, but not accidentally cut my hair. I get crazy with scissors. And my hair. I pick at it too much. And it's just been annoying me. So much for growing my hair out. Not that it's noticeable that I did much to it. But whatever.
What else.... Simple, simple stuff. Wellp, until next time I guess. Peace!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Basically Bored
Sweet, sweet boredom. (Imagine that being said with a wry voice, sarcasm). I suppose that's what happens after a bad day, then a good day, with both of those days being weird days. Anyways, I started reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, which is nice. Maybe that's why I'm so bored. Not because of Harry Potter, but because I'm not under the influence of having finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I mean, it was fun while it lasted, but at the same time, I was a bit worried. At least I'm not delusional anymore, right? Or like, crazy. I think it was all in my head really though.
Anyways, yesterday/last night was a pretty great night. I was high on life, one might say. It was a lot of fun juggling wif mah peeps. And then I also got to see mah otha peeps - performing magicians. I got some pictures, fun times, and had a blast. I thought I was being super, overly obnoxious, but it was a good time, and I don't regret it. I think I made some good friends yesterday, which was nice. And I like being together with my friends.
I think the reason why I'm bored is because I don't have any close friends. Or something like that. I guess I tend to prevent myself from doing some things like actually going out and doing things... because that's the way my mind works. I just constantly over-think things and have a skewed perspective on things... like how people are busy and don't want to hang out with me or talk to me, but it's just me stopping myself from going out to ask people to hang out, which they might actually want to do. I guess I'm just a weird person. Not that it's a bad thing. But, it's just that some of the things I do (or don't do) are bad in the sense that it's not doing me any good. Which I get. I just am not sure if things can change like that.
Now that I think about it, I think I'm becoming fairly lazy, which definitely isn't good. I could blame the sickness, but is it really that? I'm sort of out of sorts because I haven't really planned things as of lately, it seems. I'm not sure what to do when, when what's due, or anything. I feel like I need to create another list of things to do. Homework I have. Things. Things need to get done. Next weekend, there's State Patty's day. Not really sure what's going to happen. The weekend after that, or something, is Spring Break, and I have no idea what's going to happen. I have two friends that seem to be willing to take me in, but one is the one that I stayed with over Winter Break. I'm a bit hesitant to stay with her because I don't want to rely too much on her, and I also don't want things to get weird. And by that, I mean, that I don't want to get sick of her, like I usually do (in general), because I'm a horrible person. The other friend lives about an hour or a couple hours away from the school/town, so I'm a bit hesitant on that, since there might be the hassle of just moving things places (like luggage).
So, I don't know what to do now. Just bored. Thinking of things to do. Passing the time by. In want of talking to people that I enjoy talking to people. In want of making new friends, and hoping things go well. Stuff. Things. Thinking. Humanity.
Anyways, yesterday/last night was a pretty great night. I was high on life, one might say. It was a lot of fun juggling wif mah peeps. And then I also got to see mah otha peeps - performing magicians. I got some pictures, fun times, and had a blast. I thought I was being super, overly obnoxious, but it was a good time, and I don't regret it. I think I made some good friends yesterday, which was nice. And I like being together with my friends.
I think the reason why I'm bored is because I don't have any close friends. Or something like that. I guess I tend to prevent myself from doing some things like actually going out and doing things... because that's the way my mind works. I just constantly over-think things and have a skewed perspective on things... like how people are busy and don't want to hang out with me or talk to me, but it's just me stopping myself from going out to ask people to hang out, which they might actually want to do. I guess I'm just a weird person. Not that it's a bad thing. But, it's just that some of the things I do (or don't do) are bad in the sense that it's not doing me any good. Which I get. I just am not sure if things can change like that.
Now that I think about it, I think I'm becoming fairly lazy, which definitely isn't good. I could blame the sickness, but is it really that? I'm sort of out of sorts because I haven't really planned things as of lately, it seems. I'm not sure what to do when, when what's due, or anything. I feel like I need to create another list of things to do. Homework I have. Things. Things need to get done. Next weekend, there's State Patty's day. Not really sure what's going to happen. The weekend after that, or something, is Spring Break, and I have no idea what's going to happen. I have two friends that seem to be willing to take me in, but one is the one that I stayed with over Winter Break. I'm a bit hesitant to stay with her because I don't want to rely too much on her, and I also don't want things to get weird. And by that, I mean, that I don't want to get sick of her, like I usually do (in general), because I'm a horrible person. The other friend lives about an hour or a couple hours away from the school/town, so I'm a bit hesitant on that, since there might be the hassle of just moving things places (like luggage).
So, I don't know what to do now. Just bored. Thinking of things to do. Passing the time by. In want of talking to people that I enjoy talking to people. In want of making new friends, and hoping things go well. Stuff. Things. Thinking. Humanity.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Apathetic-Alacrity
So, I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I had just finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower the other day, and my mind is now floating off. I also watched the movie version, and thought the book was a lot more detailed, as well as my imagination on the book, although it's probably skewed like it is most of the times.
Things are a daze. I'm not sure if I'm apathetic right now, or just lost. Last night was fairly terrible. Truth be told, I texted my ex-boyfriend, which was a big mistake. And it wasn't because it was V-Day that I texted him. I'm not really sure why it happened. I shouldn't have done that though. Maybe I was tired. Maybe I was just floating... But I shouldn't have done it. It made it difficult to breathe and my heart pound. Not in a good way or in a "I wish I were still with him way." In all honesty, I hate the guy. He's a real jerk. I think the reason why my heart was pounding was because after I sent that first text, I definitely regretted it and was afraid. I was afraid that the bullying would continue. My past would continue to haunt me into the present. People will find me and I will carry this weight with me always. But I have to be strong now. I have to live in the now and forget the whole conversation of last night.
I think I have to shake off The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I don't want to blame the book or movie or anything, but that's really when I started acting weird yesterday. I'm too consumed in my mind. It's kind of devouring me right now. I can only try to act normal right now and it's scaring me. I shouldn't be sad. I shouldn't be this devastated right now, but I just might be.
I need to be happy again. I have people who I can call friends now and people who I like. I have the hope of making new friends and being a better person. I have hopes of great things happening.
But, maybe I need this sort of thing right now. This floating. I'm not sure how it feels. I know it's bad for me, but I feel like it's just something that happens. I don't know....
I don't want to scare anyone really. I hope things get better.
Things are a daze. I'm not sure if I'm apathetic right now, or just lost. Last night was fairly terrible. Truth be told, I texted my ex-boyfriend, which was a big mistake. And it wasn't because it was V-Day that I texted him. I'm not really sure why it happened. I shouldn't have done that though. Maybe I was tired. Maybe I was just floating... But I shouldn't have done it. It made it difficult to breathe and my heart pound. Not in a good way or in a "I wish I were still with him way." In all honesty, I hate the guy. He's a real jerk. I think the reason why my heart was pounding was because after I sent that first text, I definitely regretted it and was afraid. I was afraid that the bullying would continue. My past would continue to haunt me into the present. People will find me and I will carry this weight with me always. But I have to be strong now. I have to live in the now and forget the whole conversation of last night.
I think I have to shake off The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I don't want to blame the book or movie or anything, but that's really when I started acting weird yesterday. I'm too consumed in my mind. It's kind of devouring me right now. I can only try to act normal right now and it's scaring me. I shouldn't be sad. I shouldn't be this devastated right now, but I just might be.
I need to be happy again. I have people who I can call friends now and people who I like. I have the hope of making new friends and being a better person. I have hopes of great things happening.
But, maybe I need this sort of thing right now. This floating. I'm not sure how it feels. I know it's bad for me, but I feel like it's just something that happens. I don't know....
I don't want to scare anyone really. I hope things get better.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Happy Happenings?..!
Anyways, I'm for some reason extremely happy at this moment. I think it's because I got to read more of The Perks of Being a Wallflower and am almost done with it now. I read it during my psych post-exam review because it wasn't that interesting and so many people showed up. (if you didn't catch that, it was sarcasm). Anyways, upon leaving the review, I was preparing to head back to my dorm to eat dinner, when my friend that came to the review session was like: "Oh my god." (repetitively I might add). And I'm just like: "What?" (all while looking out the glass doors, not realizing until about five seconds from the doors that it was snowing). The snow was just beautiful. And I really mean that. I wish everyone was able to see the beauty in it. The tufts of snow falling is an amazing sight to take in really. Especially if you're not in any hurry. I wish I could just sit and watch the snow fall for hours. I really wish it were possible to show my family, but it doesn't show in pictures I take.
Anyways, good news besides that beautiful thing. I am getting better and not contagious! That makes me extremely happy because I'd be able to juggle at the event this weekend.
I'm pretty sure no one really knows how excited I am right now. Lunch was also delightful because I had a fish sandwich with lettuce and mayo and ketchup and that was good and I'm glad I got it (I was debating it at the time). I also had the French Vanilla Cappucino with half & half which was delicious also. And then for dinner just now, I had a panini, which was good, and black coffee with a bunch of sugar (I believe it was about eight packets of sugar/Splenda - not saying they're the same thing, but it was some mix of the two - and it might have been ten, or eight... don't remember). So maybe I'm just happy because I'm hyper. But not really hyper. This is a good feeling though. Maybe I don't need creamer in my coffee, just a lot of sugar. Sugar is good. I also had a chocolate chip cookie, which I hadn't had in a while with the coffee.
Today, I also realized that deliberation is hard. That's the truth. I feel like it is almost impossible to have a completely successful deliberation. In my rhetoric class, we tried to deliberate in small groups of six people and my group was just a bundle of joy. (Not really.. Not that they weren't joyful at all... but you'll see.. or read on... (unless you decide to stop there, then I guess not)). The topic was about college, and whether higher education and the government should help people have an equal opportunity in getting a degree - without an enormous debt (or something along those lines). That's such a sensitive topic though. I mean, sure (mostly) everyone will agree that tuition should be lower and government should help. But, really, what's there to say about this. It's hard to change the way society thinks and acts, which is the main root of the problem. Don't get me wrong, not talking about it at all is bad, but we're just talking about it. What is going to change? Nothing. Really. Nothing. I'm sure everyone made/makes a viable point/s about the topic, but what is happening to actually change education policies or the whole education system in general? And in this discussion, I wasn't really contributing because: 1) the rest of my group is fairly the 'outgoing,' 'extroverted' type to just speak their minds, whereas I'm just there waddling in my own thoughts, 2) I wasn't particularly found of how the discussion was being "moderated," 3) my thoughts on the subject are probably more absurdly profound in comparison to my peers, and 4) I couldn't really take the discussion seriously without taking it seriously, and no one wants to see that, especially in that environment. Anyways, it's a real touchy subject, and with my little, but lots of hope for humanity (as you can see, I'm fairly conflicted, or something), there's not much to say on it for now. Maybe some other time, for open ears.
ANYWAYS... I get to go to magic club today! And then juggling club tomorrow! I haven't juggled in forever, and I'm really excited. And people! And V-Day (which I'm not particularly excited for because there's nothing to look forward to). And and and stuff! Life! Life! Things!
So, I'm not really sure what to say now, but hopefully I'll have more to say on things at some other point in time sometime soon. Until next time! Adieu!
Anyways, good news besides that beautiful thing. I am getting better and not contagious! That makes me extremely happy because I'd be able to juggle at the event this weekend.
I'm pretty sure no one really knows how excited I am right now. Lunch was also delightful because I had a fish sandwich with lettuce and mayo and ketchup and that was good and I'm glad I got it (I was debating it at the time). I also had the French Vanilla Cappucino with half & half which was delicious also. And then for dinner just now, I had a panini, which was good, and black coffee with a bunch of sugar (I believe it was about eight packets of sugar/Splenda - not saying they're the same thing, but it was some mix of the two - and it might have been ten, or eight... don't remember). So maybe I'm just happy because I'm hyper. But not really hyper. This is a good feeling though. Maybe I don't need creamer in my coffee, just a lot of sugar. Sugar is good. I also had a chocolate chip cookie, which I hadn't had in a while with the coffee.
Today, I also realized that deliberation is hard. That's the truth. I feel like it is almost impossible to have a completely successful deliberation. In my rhetoric class, we tried to deliberate in small groups of six people and my group was just a bundle of joy. (Not really.. Not that they weren't joyful at all... but you'll see.. or read on... (unless you decide to stop there, then I guess not)). The topic was about college, and whether higher education and the government should help people have an equal opportunity in getting a degree - without an enormous debt (or something along those lines). That's such a sensitive topic though. I mean, sure (mostly) everyone will agree that tuition should be lower and government should help. But, really, what's there to say about this. It's hard to change the way society thinks and acts, which is the main root of the problem. Don't get me wrong, not talking about it at all is bad, but we're just talking about it. What is going to change? Nothing. Really. Nothing. I'm sure everyone made/makes a viable point/s about the topic, but what is happening to actually change education policies or the whole education system in general? And in this discussion, I wasn't really contributing because: 1) the rest of my group is fairly the 'outgoing,' 'extroverted' type to just speak their minds, whereas I'm just there waddling in my own thoughts, 2) I wasn't particularly found of how the discussion was being "moderated," 3) my thoughts on the subject are probably more absurdly profound in comparison to my peers, and 4) I couldn't really take the discussion seriously without taking it seriously, and no one wants to see that, especially in that environment. Anyways, it's a real touchy subject, and with my little, but lots of hope for humanity (as you can see, I'm fairly conflicted, or something), there's not much to say on it for now. Maybe some other time, for open ears.
ANYWAYS... I get to go to magic club today! And then juggling club tomorrow! I haven't juggled in forever, and I'm really excited. And people! And V-Day (which I'm not particularly excited for because there's nothing to look forward to). And and and stuff! Life! Life! Things!
So, I'm not really sure what to say now, but hopefully I'll have more to say on things at some other point in time sometime soon. Until next time! Adieu!
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