Apologies

Hi there. I know I haven't written in a while, and I apologize. I just haven't been in the blogging mood lately. I also had created other blogs in hopes of being all motivated and getting all these ideas that I had in my head down. And actually, it's not that I haven't been in the blogging mood or what; it's just that... I suppose I've been at a loss of words. I haven't known what to say. Or, rather, I did, but I couldn't bring myself to say so. I think I've been depressed for a while, and that makes me sad. I've been sad. What makes me even more sad is that I feel like I'm going to lose a best friend that I had made. The person I like. I don't know. It's been weird. Kind of. Maybe not weird, but I don't know. But that's not the thing that's been stopping me from blogging and that's not the thing that got me depressed. It's the thing that got me sad, today, but that's no biggie. Maybe. I almost actually cried because of it. But that's not the big issue either. It's not a big deal. I think the big deal is just my whole depression thing and I'm not trying to self-diagnose or anything, but I think it is depression. And I think I've been depressed since my birthday to be honest. But at this moment, school is starting tomorrow. For one, I need to remember that school starts tomorrow. Also, it's my sister's birthday. I'm afraid that I won't be as social. I'm afraid that it'll all be too much for me. I get really anxious with everyone around and I don't really like people. There are few people that I actually feel like talking to or at least tolerate talking to. I have been getting really irritated at people and I don't like it. I'm a baby and I don't like that either. I whine and complain a lot, and it's annoying, I know. I can't help it though. Or at least, I don't think I can.
Also, well, I noticed. Maybe this is getting me back into the blogging mood/blogging blogging blogging. Maybe it's just that I've needed to be depressed to blog. I've needed to not have anyone to talk to because blogging gives me an audience. Even if that is an invisible audience. I don't know who reads my blogs, nor does anyone comment or anything. Sometimes, I kind of wonder, what if it were like that show Awkward. That would be interesting, perhaps. Or creepy. If it were someone stalking me and talking to me, that might be a bit creepy. But maybe that'd be the only friend that I would have, somewhat. That's not to say that I don't have friends now. It's just that... It'd be the only friend I'd talk to. Well, that's a lie. I'd talk to people. It just wouldn't feel the same. I don't know.
I hope that, even if it's kind of an act, that in my classes, I'll be social. I'll meet people. I'll be friendly. I'll put a smile on my face and not be grouchy. I won't be as awkward, or at least not a negative awkward. I'll be silly awkward and amiable and down-to-earth. I won't get called out on, and be able to handle all my classes. I'll be motivated to learn and study hard. I'll settle down in my dorm and clean it up and prepare it. I'll make it organized and livable. I'll be comfy.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to reassure myself now. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I don't want to talk to people, but I guess I sort of do. I don't want to worry my friends and I don't want to alienate myself from them. I don't want to be anti-social, but I also need time (I think) to recuperate or something. I need to prepare myself to be like who I was. Or something like that. I want to be happy. I want to be comfortable with who I am. I want to be successful and not have to worry about money or owing people, or being awkward with people. I don't know. I want to not burn bridges, but also not feel obligated to do things. Or keep in contact with people. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be whiny. I don't want to feel lost.
I don't know. I suppose I just have to do. And force myself to do. I can do this. I can do this. I can handle life and the world and obstacles. I will handle all of it. Tomorrow will be a good day. The future will be good. Things will work out.

Blinded in the Flurry of Flusters

Wellp. So, I realize that I really should check up about using names. Ohmahgahs. But yeah, so there's a difference from when I type in a word document and when I actually blog. Oh no's. Manmanmanman. MAN. I was just so overwhelmed and blogging makes it better, but I guess sometimes it doesn't. Or at least... I don't know. I don't know. But, talking helps for me. I'm glad I have a few friends that I can talk to. Friends. Friends. Merp. I don't know.
I now feel awkward. But I guess hopefully it'll pass. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
*awkward turtles my way outta here*

Overwhelmedness

Similar to my Lackluster post:

I wish my stream of consciousness could just write itself. Like, if I close my eyes (which I will do starting now to see how that goes for a while): This is taking a while to actually get some thoughts I guess. But, I’m just listening to some music right now, just being absorbed in the music… I think one thing that’s sort of been troubling me, but not really troubling me is the show that was on in the plane on my way back home. From Washington Dulles to San Diego. There was this show with like two different families – there was something about an adopted brother who changed his name, but it was originally Ryan and he liked pudding skins for some reason. And there was another family where I think the parents were dating (one girl’s dad, and another girl’s mom). I think one of the girl’s name was Tess. OH. The actress from Weeds is in it. That was the daughter of Celia Rhodes. Cool. Now I’m going to look it up and hopefully find it. OKAY! It’s Suburgatory. Cool. Yay! I might watch it…

So, I actually opened my eyes for a while and googled things if you hadn’t noticed. I also actually kind of cheat by opening my eyes to make sure I’m spelling things right (shhh). But anyways, something else that’s sort of been troubling me is that I think I might actually like one of my friends. Not that it’s a bad thing… But I feel as if we’re talking as if we were already in a relationship… Which I think is weird. But it’s also not that I dislike it, but I don’t know… I suppose I’m kind of a hedonist where I am going to do what I do, what I want to do, because I’m selfish perhaps… I don’t know what my friend thinks about the whole thing… He dislikes talking about his past girlfriends/flings, and I feel like I’m almost at the point where I might become emotionally attached. It’s not that I’m disregarding his feelings, but I just don’t know how he actually feels… I like him… I think I really do. I enjoy talking to him and everything, but I don’t want to tire of him and I don’t want him to tire of me, and I don’t want to do something rash or anything… I don’t know. I’m nervous to see him when I head back. I already changed the flights and everything. I want to pack already. I want to hang out with him already, but I don’t want to be clingy or anything…

So, I’m going to be hanging out with my ex tomorrow, or at least, that’s the plan. If he hadn’t changed at all, knowing him, he’d cancel last minute or something, but maybe he has changed. I don’t know. I’m sort of nervous. I feel like something might happen… I might want something to happen. He was saying something about how you can’t really go back after having seen me naked already – aka the sexual tension is going to be there. Which, I suppose means that he still wants to have sex with me, but since he has his girlfriend, he feels as though he shouldn’t. But, I don’t really care about her. I kind of feel the same way, but with my friend that I like I suppose, as if he were my boyfriend, but he’s not… But, yeah… I also think about having sex with my ex… Which I think is bad… But, I suppose we’ll see what happens tomorrow. We’re going to be meeting at Lestat’s on Park I suppose. Even if my ex doesn’t go, I could just read and have coffee and stuff, so I suppose that’s cool. Or whatever. Though, I would hope we could… have sex. I think his parents would be working seeing how it’s Wednesday at 1:30, and perhaps his brother would also be at school so we could have sex at his house, perhaps… That would be ideal…. And how I’m also hanging out with my ex's brother some other time… Like maybe next week…

AHHH. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MYSELF? Ugh….

Going to the casino makes me uneasy because I dislike losing money, but I enjoy winning money. I don’t like spending money, but I do. I don’t know. I get a bit anxious because I feel like it’s just bad news when you lose money. I don’t know. I don’t know. I didn’t feel well the first time, but maybe this time I can have coffee and stuff. That’ll be good.

Living in the Shadow of My Sister’s Prettiness

So, I suppose I’m not exactly ugly, but my sister’s pretty. Prettier than I am. If I’m even considered pretty. And I mean, it’s not even just her. A lot of people are pretty. Prettier than me. I suppose I only can rely on my “inner beauty” aka my sarcasm and dry humor for people to hopefully be interested in the slightest of me. But yeah. So, my sister’s pretty and has always been prettier than me. And that makes me self-conscious. And it’s not a bad thing that she’s prettier than I am, but she just also possesses all these qualities that people tend to like. She’s a good gamer, she’s nice, she’s pretty, she has common sense. I don’t know. There’s just a lot to live up to and I’m not sure I can do that. I have my own way of doing things and I’m not the brightest person ever. I’m not the prettiest, I’m not the most interactive or social person.

Becoming Unresponsive

It’s not that I want to be, but it sort of just happens where I become unresponsive to things. Like... when my family brings up things that I don’t want to talk about. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about such things, but the way they react to things. Like the people I hang out with. The things I do. The money situation. What I want to do. How I’m handling things. I don’t know. I just can’t handle things I guess. I don’t know what to say or how to say it well. I just sort of detach myself to these situations because what am I supposed to do? I am going to do what I do and if they don’t like that, then that’s that. I’m not really one to change myself to cater to people. I’m not going to transfer to a West Coast school if I don’t want to be here.

Even though it’s unfair to my family, I want to do what I want to do. I don’t understand how they can talk to me about things such as the financial situation, but I can’t talk about things with them.

Money vs. Happiness

My family’s been trying to convince me (it seems) to go to some school in California because we’re almost unable to fund me going to Penn State and this makes me sad. The thing is, I’m not happy on the West Coast. Not only that, but I’ve made friends on the East Coast and it’s not just because of the friends I’ve made that I’m happy there. I don’t know what to do because they’ve been bombarding me with what I want to do. Is my happiness at the expense of not pulling my family into an abysmal spiral of debt? Am I supposed to live in this unhappy, timeless state with the inability of getting nowhere in the world? Maybe the reason why I haven’t even been feeling well has just been me being in San Diego. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to put my family in debt either. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave my friends. I don’t want to leave my best friend. I don't want to leave my happiness.

Why is life so hard? I can’t speak. I can’t breathe. I am unwell. I cannot get through life. I push people away. I need help, but there isn’t anyone to help me. There’s no one in the world to help me. I am drowning. I am sinking to the bottom. I may forever be stuck in a place where I cannot be free. Just as I thought I was getting somewhere, it’s being crumpled, sucked back. I’m forever stuck in this cycle. Helpless…

The Pressures of the Family

I cannot handle my family. And that’s not their fault. It’s not. I just… can’t. I’m not the same as them. I feel suffocated and cooped up. I almost made it out alive.

I just want to be enveloped in the darkness right now. I can to curl up and let the pitch black absorb my being, for it to blanket me. I want to shut out the rest of the world for the moments of me picking myself up. For the pieces to be put back together.

I am glad I did not go get sushi with my sister now, looking in retrospection, a few hours later. If I had known that she was going to have a straight talking with me, with no escape, I would not have gone. I am glad it didn’t happen. I would not be able to handle that. Instead, I probably would’ve actually cried tonight. I would have become unresponsive and crying. A cry baby. I would have sat there in the dim  lighting, eating sushi with my sister who needed to have a talk with me because my dad talked to her. She doesn’t mean to make me feel bad. She doesn’t mean to convince me otherwise, but I will have bawled. I would have thought about the friends I would be leaving. The disappointment in my family. The strains. The financial struggle. I would have fell into the gutter. I would have buried myself in a place where I would not be able to return. A place where April would not exist anymore. We would have been there. The silence growing. The crying growing. The feeling of not belonging, the feeling of not being of there. How did I come this far? Why am I so different? Why is it that I do not feel like I am a part of my family, yet we are tied by these things?

Lackluster

So, here's really just a bunch of random thoughts I've had recently:

I’ve been in a really weird place lately. Things get good, then they get weird, then they get bad. I feel like I’m not really living my life anymore. I have emotions, then I turn them off, or they disappear. I don’t want these emotions, but at the same time, don’t we need emotions to live life to the fullest?

I’ve been wanting to blog, but I feel unable to because I don’t know what to say. I don’t really know what to say or do anymore… I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life anymore. I don’t have any straight thoughts.

When I first got to San Diego, I was dreading it. I was thinking that if my dad picked me up, I would probably run and hug him, crying, but what happened was that he had a dental appointment and he said my cousin would pick me up, but what ended up happening was my uncle picked me up instead. And that was awkward.

Apparently, it was a surprise to my family that I came back, which is a good thing. It means that my dad could keep a secret. That’s good.

Anyways, I hung around the donut shop for a while and then I headed to downtown to get New Found Glory tickets for my sister. I was also going to try to get Tame Impala and/or Jimmy Eat World tickets too, but they ended up being sold out, which is lame.

The bus now fared $7 for a day pass which is stupid. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? There’s something about a compass card too? Meh.

Anyways, I saw a performer on the bus. He had his unicycle and apparently a chainsaw in his backpack.

I was just being overwhelmed with San Diego. It’s like the transition from San Diego to Philly, but in this case, it’s the transition from State College to San Diego… People are judge-y or mean or inconsiderate or what. I mean, sure, it could be better than other places, but in comparison to Penn State and State College and my experiences there, it’s just too much… I don’t fit in. I never fitted in. What am I doing here?

I don’t even live here anymore. My sister said so. All my things are packed. It all feels so foreign. So familiar, yet so foreign. I don’t know what to do with myself. I say I’m going to blog, but that doesn’t really happen. I say I’m going to read, but that doesn’t really happen. I say I’m going to do all these great things, I say I have all this time, but I’m not, I don’t.

There’s the feeling of things being the same, but at the same time things are different. There’s the forced feeling of things never changing. Things being the same as if you never left, but you know things are different because my family is acting this way for a reason. They’re buttering me up. Well, maybe not buttering me up, but they’re being too nice. Not that it’s a bad thing. But, it’s as if the only reason they were being nice was because I’ve been away for so long. They don’t want me to leave, but I don’t belong here. I belong somewhere free. Somewhere.

It feels squished here. I don’t really know what to make of it. The house is the same. My family is the same. But, to me, it feels like a suffocating, stagnant place. Things move too slowly. We’re not in a slow-motion picture here, but we are. Compared to what I was up to while I was away. I realize how much I’ve changed in such a little time. The difference might be the pace. It might be the difference between the East and the West Coast, but is it really?

I think there are a couple of reasons why I haven’t been blogging lately. Part of it might just be because I’ve actually found people that I can talk to, where by the time I would blog such things, I’ve already talked about it to people who I believe truly care, and that’s already enough for me. When I’ve thought about it before, it would seem that the main reason I blog is to write to the invisible audience who really ends up just being myself, but for the reassuring thought that at least it’s out there, or someone knows about it (with “it” being my thoughts, conflicts, or what-have-you).

I think I’ve also been feeling pretty helpless. What am I supposed to do with myself? What am I doing with myself? I’m not really sure. I say I’m going to do things, but I don’t know if I really am. I’m supposed to finish a scarf for my friend so then we can hang out and all that, but I haven’t even done anything. Does that mean I don’t want to hang out with them? *sigh* I hope it doesn’t, because I do… I just… Scarf… I don’t know. There are so many things that I want to do, but I’m in such a weird mindset to just do them. I don’t feel myself… But I suppose I never knew who I was either. I don’t know who I am. What kind of person am I? What kind of person do I want to be? Who am I?

What Have I Come To?

So, I know I haven't blogged here for a while, but I suppose it's just that I haven't a clue what to write about, or how to write in this blog again. I've also been trying to figure things out, outside of blogging because I'm creating so many blogs. I apologize for that. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to blog because I think there's a vulnerability that I'm putting myself into by creating so many different blogs, by trying to be more open. It's not that I'm against being open, but I think I'm hesitant or something... I think I enjoy the veil and air of mystery behind this blog. But now, that's sort of lost in the jumbles of trying to get everything out there. This blog used to be about my day-to-day college happenstances, my life, my thoughts, but now it's just here... Ready to be lain to rest, but not really. I can't put this blog to rest. I like it too much. This is the blog that got me to enjoy writing, to enjoy blogging, to help me get to the way I am today. The way I am now. It's all muddled with all the muddlings, but I still pride myself in this blog. Through the year, it's seen me develop as an individual. It's been there to see my different styles of writing. Been there to help me talk to someone, when I've felt like no one's there. It's been there in my franticness and all. It's accepted me. It's helped me feel poetic.
I wish I could write more, but I'm at a loss for words. At a road block. Traveling down a road where the tumbleweeds pass by. I don't know really.... I'm hoping there's something in this blog that I can get back, or start anew. But, until next time...

My Body Definitely Hates Me

Lucky for this gal, just as I was having fun with my friends for my birthday, I started feeling like shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. That's always a fun thing, right? The feeling of not wanting to eat, and not wanting to do anything and working on 3 hours of sleep and feeling light-headed and woozy and seeing things and stuff. Maybe partially it's my fault. Maybe my body and I, we're in a love-hate relationship. I'm not quite sure. I try to feed it all of its supplements, I try to feed it food, and all it does is go: Nope. Nope. You actually might want to throw up now. You want fresh air, but you can't move fast. You can't move slow. You can't even lie down. Sucker. Sucks fo' youuu.
Let's see... I ate very little today. A bite of a slice of pizza, a couple of pieces of broccoli and rice, a couple of pieces of mandarin orange slices, and a carrot. For lunch. Not sure if anything else was involved besides a couple of sips of strawberry banana smoothie and water. BUT this was not my fault because my mouth does not want to cooperate with my stomach and in the end, I could only eat so much. Later on, I had a veggie burger... and FINISHED it. On top of this veggie burger was lettuce and provolone cheese and pickles and it was dipped with ketchup, mayo, and A1 sauce. Yummy. Glad I got to eat that. Then a bit later, I ate a bit of cake (for my late birthday). And then, it got to the point where I hadn't eaten anything for about 3 hours, but I had juice (orange peach mango with passion fruit syrup), and then had 2 semi-fries and some water. At that point, I was already feeling a bit under the weather and felt the want/need to throw up. Did that happen? ...Not yet. Hopefully just not.
Anyways, I suppose I shall head in to sleep, and perhaps I shall blog some more later. Way to end the day!
Good night all. Best wishes. Lots of love. Sleep well, be merry, and a bunch of other happy things!

Melancholic Mishaps

So, to no surprise, I'm back in a fairly depressed state. That isn't to say I am depressed or not, but I'm just a bit sad. Things haven't been going well for me and today just overwhelmed me and kicked me in the butt. I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later, so I guess better now than later? Perhaps. I don't know. I'm just in a weird... place.
Not really sure what to say, but I suppose I might write more later. Just thinking a lot. In a different way than I have been.

Truth Be Told...

That other blog I was talking about, it's actually really hard to establish. It's not that encouraging that no one seems to be doing much about anything. But I mean, I suppose it should be more of a self-encouraging thing. I'm really into the idea and all, but I suppose I just don't know how to quite go about it. I have all these different ideas for the whole thing, but it's a bit difficult to start a foundation for it. Right now, the actual WordPress blog is a skeleton because I'm not sure what to do. It has potential and everything, but I don't want to mess things up. I don't want people to get wrong impressions or anything. I also have a hard time writing because all these thoughts in my head tend to come and go. Like my thoughts on irreversibility from psychology. That was an interesting thought: It's pretty much saying how kids can't tell that an object can go back to an original state - such as starting with two balls of clay that are the same size and changing the shape of one. The kids don't think it could go back to its original ball shape. My thoughts on it was that maybe they're right though. When you change the shape of the clay, and then mold it back, technically, it's the same clay, but it's not the same as it was before. But I mean, I guess the concept is more of how it's going back to the shape rather than the same clay. It might be my philosophical side thinking of things - like the river in Siddhartha. Time flows and all that, but the river five minutes ago is not the same as the river now. I think that's also how I've been thinking of things. You cannot be the same person that you were moments ago, because the moment's passed. In that bit of time, you've gained something more that changes you as a person. One simple thing, changes everything.
Oh wow. I almost went back to sleep for the day. I almost forgot that I'm just about to schedule courses. I can do that in less than 2 hours! That's exciting. I really also need to sleep and stuff though too because I haven't been feeling well. It's sort of hard to describe, but my appetite has been weird. And I don't know if it's me just being such a hypochondriac, but I've sort of had a loss in appetite. If that's the best way to describe it. I mean, I'm hungry, my body's hungry, but my throat and mouth doesn't always want me to eat. I want to eat, but I can't. I cannot force my body to eat if it doesn't want to sometimes. There's just that feeling of incapableness, perhaps? The unwillingness to chew and chew and swallow food. I don't know. I'm glad I got to eat dinner though. This morning was pretty miserable in that it was brunch, and there was fairly good food - scrambled eggs, quiche, sausage links, scalloped potatoes - but once I talked to a friend for a moment, my body was just like: Nope. Guess you're not eating anymore. Drink a bit more water and you're done. Even if you're hungry. You are done. That was disappointing. Then, I got coffee with a friend and usually that helps, but I'm pretty sure it made me feel worse. Woozy. What a doozy. Then, I eventually got food at Barnes & Noble, half a sandwich and soup. I finished half of each, so it was more like 1/4 of a sandwich and 1/2 cup of soup, which is like nothing. That was fun. What a waste of money. My body likes to waste money! Lame! Anyways, luckily I had food from earlier - Chinese food that I had gotten with one of my friends Friday night.  :) Yay. I didn't finish the food still, but it's good enough!
What now... Maybe before the advocacy project is due for my class, I'll have established a good portion of it. *hope*
Or something.
Wellp, I think I'm going to take a nap or something or maybe try to occupy another hour and a half before I can schedule courses...
Til Next Time!

New Ventures

So, I recently started a new blog, partly for myself and partly for a class assignment. I'm not sure how that would affect this blog, but I'm sure it would. I mean, with this blog, I can be completely open with, writing whatever I'd like, whatever's on my mind, in anonymity and in confidence. I should have that with the other blog, but there are just some things that probably aren't worth mentioning on that blog, and what I mean by that is the thoughts on things such as my vulgarity and the likes. That's not appropriate. Y'know. But, I am going to try and devote myself to the other blog. I may try to come back to this blog once in a while, or when I can, but lately, there's just been a block. I'm not sure why. I'm sorry for that. I suppose there's a lack of motivation that I had. Or the incapability to write what I'd like to write in the blog. It's hard to put words to paper when it already escapes your lips. Do you know that feeling? And also for the fact that I tend to just say whatever's on my mind, it doesn't help that I hardly remember what I write or what I say. I mean, I kind of remember things, but if you try to mention specifics or vaguities, I probably will not know what you're talking about.
So, I think Blogger, as well as WordPress are being updated or something, and I think that's weird. I'm not quite liking it! I don't know if that means I'm not open to change, but it's just that I tend not to know what to do in such situations. It's hard to adjust I guess. I suppose that means I'm "slow-to-warm-up"? Psychology! Yay! Haha, I guess.
Anyways, I hope things are well and things are normal. I hope things will elevate to better levels. Like, maybe I'll be inspired to write in this blog more. Maybe I'll become more social. Maybe positive things will happen. But I suppose we shall see. I hope this blog has been well and I'm not quite sure what else to write, so hopefully I can have proper farewells some other time (or not at all). Maybe this isn't even a farewell, but it sure feels like it. Don't take it as one. Don't accept it as one. We'll see each other again. Or rather, something like that.
Don't worry, be happy.
Until next time.

What A Doozy

So today's a packed day. It's been quite a week, believe it or not.
If I recall correctly, I had a persuasive essay due at midnight on Monday. On Tuesday, I had a lab report due (both a physical copy and online). Not quite sure what happened every other day, besides children coming into one of my classes on Wednesday! They were cute. Then Thursday, open mic night and juggling and other things. And today, Friday! I have two exams. YESSSSSS. AWESOME. Not. No. Ugh, oh symbolic logic and developmental psychology. Let's hope I do well. BUT, besides that, there is the Arts Crawl later on in the day, which I'm excited for because art, music and all that good jazz.
As of now, I'm not sure what's in store for me for the weekend. I think I'm going to be having brunch with one of my friends as per usual on Saturday. Then with that same friend, I think we might be going to Barnes & Noble on Sunday. I think I might go to some other things with a different friend Saturday night. But I'm not sure if I'm going to be hanging out with any other friends.
Last night, I realized the "consequences" of me showing my blog off to people because I happen to mention some weird things, but at the same time, should I care. I noticed, or rather it was brought to my attention that one of my friends and I tend to talk to each other in stream of consciousness. Another friend of mine sort of brought to my attention that technically my blog is basically stream of consciousness, so when I use italics and parentheses or both, it might be more of a stream of consciousness - inceptional thoughts? But I know that they're more of a commentary on things rather than a thought within a thought.... Or maybe that's exactly what it is. Oh well, I don't know.
Oh. Right. I guess there aren't indents in this. (I was trying to indent for the past couple minutes, freaking out that I almost deleted this post and all that hard work gone down the drain, or maybe that my internet was acting up - How frazzling). But, what I was trying to bring up was the song that I've recently come to like a lot more, Greg Laswell's Comes and Goes (In Waves).
Oh! Something that's exciting that's coming up is my birthday! Also, the juggling festival that is during my birthday, or rather ends on my birthday. And then the magic show that I hopefully get to see. And then hopefully the friends I get to hang out with on my birthday. How exciting.
Something that's sad is how school is ending. All the people I met! All the people who are graduating! All the people who are my friend that might not consider us friends! I don't know... :(
But that leads back to an exciting thing of me going back home. Also, random thought, but I also get to schedule for courses soon, not that that has anything to do with what I was talking about besides things coming up. Well, I suppose I should start getting ready to take one of those exams now.
Wish me luck!
I shall be back shortly! (Depending on how quickly you check back in or something of that nature - or maybe, just consider a week a short time compared to like.... 5 seconds - just in case).

Erratic Episodes

So, I'm at a point where I always end up. The feeling of annoying people. The feeling of being annoyed by people. It never turns out well. Why am I like this? Do I care? Don't I care? I'm not really sure why it happens, but it seems to be a fairly vicious cycle. I feel like I need space, but at the same time, I think I just need to comfort of people. Which I seem to reject. Because. I sort of hate people. But not really. I think it's just that some people need to give me space, whilst other people whom I want to be hanging out with are busy with their own lives, or that's how it seems. As much as I enjoy being with people, I don't really like becoming close with people. And whenever something close to that happens, I think I tend to just have this force field bubble thing where I just push people away. I back away and put myself in this downward spiral. It's not that I'm consciously doing this, but I'm not really sure.
I guess I sort of can't wait for new things. Being back home after not having been there for practically a year. Seeing what's new if anything. Just having a new old feeling I guess. Having the same ole foods, the same ole people, new experiences though. New mindset. And then I get to be back here with new people, since everyone else is going to be out doing their own things for summer.
I also realized that some of my senior friends are leaving, which I'm sad for. And I know there's that whole keeping in touch thing, but I don't know. I guess I'll try. I was talking to one of my friends about proximity and how the reason why a lot of people are friends are because of the close proximity, which I get. There is that proximity thing. Once the proximity is gone, it's hard to stay friends. I mean, even with the close proximity, it's hard for me to have friends. I mean, maybe I'm back in the mindset where I don't have friends and that happened really quick compared to how happy I was recently, but I guess things happen quickly. Sometimes. I mean, also, I'm hoping to be able to hang out with people in the coming days, but I also get that there are exams and stuff coming up so people are busy. I don't know. I'm sad and lonely now, if I were to have emotions.
I sort of just want to drown. And I don't mean like in water drown or like near-death drown. But I want to drown in knowledge, in emotions (positive), and things like that. I want to be active I guess. I want to participate in life. But right now, I don't feel that connection to do that. I don't know. I don't know many things. Maybe that's my whole ambivalent thing going on right now. I'm always on the fence on things... It's not a good thing, but I feel like it's hard to change such a thing. People make it sound so easy to do things, but it's not as easy as it seems...
I think a lot of self-reflection is going on right now. Or maybe just a whole bunch of crazy. I'm not sure how that's going. Just when I thought I was accepting myself...
Maybe I'm bi-polar or have bi-polar tendencies. Maybe.

In My Right Mind

Maybe I'd prefer to be in my left mind though. That's the more creative side or something, right?
So, once again, I'm listening to several songs at the same time again. I don't know why... It's just that mood I guess. (Animal Collective - My Girls, KnowMads - River Runs Deep, Suuns - 2020, Young Wonder - Flesh, Little Comets - Darling Alistair, Sea Wolf - Old Friend)

Actually, "in my right mind" is just a sarcastic thing really. I'm actually finding myself to be out of my right mind and not in any particular mind. I mean, I'm getting really annoyed at things in general. Maybe it's just that things can't happen fast enough or something. Or maybe I just need some sort of drastic change. Like, my hair's been bothering me and stuff. I think I need more friends. A lot of the people I've come to communicate with have been irking me at times, and I feel bad for that. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm actually unsure about what I want to really write right now, but I would've hoped something would've happened. I guess I waited too long. Oh well. Hopefully the next post is better. Sorry.

I Think My Body Hates Me

I'm pretty sure that's a reasonable thing to think. Right?
I clearly cannot sleep now, so I'm listening to some good music. Y'know. Sea Wolf - Old Friend. Good stuff.
So, I mean, I got about four hours of sleep. I guess I should be proud of my body for that? Maybe? I'm not quite sure what my body's trying to tell me... I can't be the first person to get Asparagus Quiche? (By the way, I really enjoy quiche, and asparagus isn't that bad - in fact, I've grown a liking to asparagus once I tried it, sometime in the past couple years of my life or so - so asparagus and quiche in one sounds quite interesting).

Also, I'm not sure why, but I started thinking of the past. (Oh my gosh. Whooooa.) But what I'm getting at is that I just remembered that I used to have a sort of way of thinking where I considered myself a different person everyday. Like, there's a yesterday me, a five-years-ago me, and the me tomorrow is different from the me today and so on and so forth. And it's not that I don't believe that now or that I exactly do believe that now, but the way I used to think of it could be sort of depressing I suppose in that I would consider the past me as "dead" because I mean, it's pretty true. I'm not the same person as I was and there's not a likely possibility that I'd become that person again because each tidbit of information that I acquire changes me as a person. Each new experience I come across is going to change me as a person. Since I've started college, I've definitely changed. I've definitely been going through changes, and I definitely can't become the same person as I was before then. And that's not a bad thing, nor is it a wrong thing. I'm glad I am the type of person I am today because I find that I have friends. Or, at least, I would like to think I have friends. And it's not that I didn't have friends prior to high school, but there was a different connection (or lack thereof) that I felt with people pre-college. I'm also a different person than I was last semester, but I think there's more of a connection between the person I've been whilst at college with the person I am this semester, than the person I was before college. I think college has provided me with more positive experiences, which I'm glad for. I'm not as afraid to be who I want to be, even if I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I'm not guaranteeing that I'd find myself completely during college, or even at all, but that's okay. I think I a lot more me now, than I was before. If I could, I would tell my past self, "It does get better!" Actually, that's just something I picked up from a show I think. Nevermind. But, it really does. It's not that I had a bad childhood or anything per se, but it wasn't the best. And I'm sure that applies to everyone (okay, truthfully, I'm not completely sure, but well, .... in most cases.). Wellp, actually I sort of just lost what I was saying. (Darn that hair!) Anyways, I think what I was trying to get at was pretty much, things change. And that's fine. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse (wait, that's not re-assuring). Probably most likely for the better. And you just gotta go with where life takes you. When it gives you lemons, trade it for oranges and make orange juice. Or make lemonade, assuming you have sugar and water also. Or take those lemons and use it to season your food (especially if your dining hall gives you salmon and doesn't provide lemon juice for you to put your fish - which I'm not saying happened to me, but it did). Or even, take those lemons to grow more lemons and make a business with that. I'm sure people could use more lemons. (You could be "life" who gives someone lemons! Think about that!)
Well, I hope that was at least entertaining. Maybe. If not, okay. I'll accept that too. No one told you that you had to read this! (Unless I did, then... thanks?)

I think my blog just got 10x cheesier. And the value has just decreased. If this ever had a value to begin with... Wait, what am I saying? OF COURSE IT HAS VALUE. I give it value. P'shaw. No one else gets to say it has any value... unless they're giving it a value of millions (or billions... or more) of dollars. Which I'd be completely fine with.

Anyways. Okay. No more distractions. (Who am I kidding though?)
But anyways, thoughts on the present. Thoughts on the future. Thoughts on thoughts (That's called meta-cognition! The more you know!~ ...But don't quote me...).
I was also thinking of how for my junior year of college, I would like to live in an apartment so I could light incense. (Notice the emphasis on incense. Because I love that stuff. Nag Champa, Sandalwood, Dragon's Blood, Frankincense & Myrrh - you know, the works - and also, when I say incense, I mean incense; None of that oil or cone sh...tuff.) I'm thinking of who I'd want my roommates to be. Like, any friends I know now? I'd probably most likely prefer my own room, but I'd like to share an apartment (aka roommates) with at least one other person. We'd be able to have sleepovers and become closer friends and and and and... yeah? I think ideally I'd want male roommate(s), unless the female roommate(s) are cool, but I find that hard to come across for myself. Some people might think that's weird to have male roommates, even though I'm a girl and all, but gender equality, right? I think we all need to just step away from the notion that it's a bad thing or it's a thing that can't work where guys and gals can't live together in harmony. I mean, not like marriage or anything, but really. I think it can work.
Anyways, off to try and sleep now! I think I'm bothering my roommate with my incessantly loud typing! (What a great roommate I am, I know!)
Adios, amigos!

There Isn't Much That I Feel I Need

Omg. (I'm really hoping you're not pronouncing that as "oh em gee" because it's not. Don't kid yourself, please. (SUBPARENTHESES: That's sort of sarcastic, maybe? So don't take it too harshly. Really. END SUBPARENTHESES)) But really. I say that as in "ahmg(uh)" if you were wondering. As if it were a word. Because it is. You know.

But really. omg. Animal Collective. <3 My Girls. Love that.

There isn't much that I feel I need. A solid soul and the blood I bleed. With a little girl and by my spouse. I only want a proper house.

I don't care for fancy things. Or to depart on the (freshest wave?). (But to provide for one who asks. I will with heart on my fathers grave.?)

I don't mean to seem like I care about material things. Like a social (stance?). I just want four walls and adobe slats for my girls.

So. Actually. This brings up a good point. Well, I'm going to bring up a good point. LYRICS SUCK. And I don't mean these lyrics suck. I just mean that when you can't understand what the lyrics really are it makes things so fucking confusing! Like, all those things in parentheses. I don't even know if they're actually saying that. AND WATCHING THEM LIVE DOES NOT HELP ME. In fact, I understand them less! But that doesn't stop me from loving this song. But really. It's a great song.

Anyways.... I *totally* got distracted about what I was going to say. (Fucking Animal Collective). First off, I guess I just want to say that I noticed that I have almost no problem using profanity through text, but once it comes to saying them verbally, it's a lot more difficult for me to do. I suppose I find some sort of offense to them still, verbally. Or maybe I just feel uncomfortable saying them out loud... At least around people. But yeah. I don't know. It's not that it's a bad thing or anything. But I just don't know... Whatever. Anyway. Anyway. The real thing I wanted to talk about that I don't think I brought up before, is how I started thinking of how I think about certain things. I just recently started pondering more upon my "care" for things. It started off when I was talking to one of my friends at a coffee shop, but that's irrelevant really. So, I was thinking about how I'm not sure if I really care for things, or if I'm actually in denial about caring for things because I do tend to say things like "I don't care" a lot. The more I think about it, the more confused I get. I don't think I really care for much things, but that might just be me trying not to care about things. I'm not really sure about feelings in general I guess though. What are feelings? What are emotions? What is the difference? But yeah. So, caring. I feel like it's a real arbitrary thing. I mean, sure, maybe I do care about things, but to what extent? Also, there's all these minuscule.... things? Not really sure what word I was thinking of... But whatever. Things of that nature! Or something.

Now, I've lost it. Meh. INQUISITION!

(What a way to end that, right?)


EDIT: VERY IMPORTANT!
Good thing I found the lyrics for My Girls on Animal Collective's website. Good thing they have that. I'm glad. I'm now seeing it in a new light with less frustration towards the song.

Isn’t much that I feel I need

a solid soul and the blood I bleed

With a little girl, and by my spouse

I only want a proper house

There isn’t much that I feel I need:

a solid soul and the blood I bleed.

But with a little girl, and by my spouse

I only want a proper house

I don’t care for fancy things

Or to take part in a pressured race.

But to provide for them when they ask

I will, with heart, on my father’s grave

On my father’s grave

I don’t mean

To seem like I care about material things,

Like our social status,

I just want

Four walls and adobe slabs

For my girls

RE: EDIT:
OH. MY. GOSH. THE SITE I GOT THESE LYRICS FROM ISN'T EVEN THE ANIMAL COLLECTIVE WEBSITE. WHAT IS THIS? WHY? WAI?.... :<
THERE IS NOW A WHOLE NEW FRUSTRATION NOW. :(
I GIVE UP.

What Is This?

...This is life.
I guess. So like, I'm supposed to have so many things due and upcoming this week. That's cool and all, but I can't bring myself to do them. I'm not really sure why. I don't really mind them because they have cool concepts and all, but... I guess it's just the process that gets me. Like, 6-8 page double-spaced persuasive essay, cool. I find that this has so much potential, but how many people are really going to take it seriously to that extent? Am I? I don't know. Then there's a 10-page double-spaced chem lab report on natural waters. That, I'm not looking forward to much, but it doesn't seem like it's that difficult. Just tedious. Then, I'm pretty sure I have two exams coming up. FUN. There's a philosophy exam up and coming. There's a psychology exam coming at some time... The professor never really went into that or explained it. Great!
But anyway, yeah. Yeah. Yeah... Lots of things up and up. Oh, my mind right now. It's a funny thing. It's a funny place. I really enjoy hanging out with people and stuff. And talking. And stuff. Oh! Also, I get to schedule courses for the fall semester soon. I'll be excited for that. Once that happens, then I should soon be able to plan for the spring semester. That's not crazy, is it?
Also, I realized that I feel like I might be living in my mind a lot of the times. Even as I'm there, I'm sort of not. And I'm not really sure how that happens. But it feels like a different place. And it's not that I'm purposely doing it. It might be the influence of drugs or something, but I'm not sure. It's not a bad thing inherently. At least, I don't think so. It's actually quite interesting, but there's probably some sort of thing that's off about it. It might actually be some sort of escape, but that's cool too. It's a nice break.
Uhm, what else. I don't know. I feel like I have a lot of goals that I'm thinking up, but I'm not sure how successful those will be. I don't think I fully form my thoughts, or really mean half of them or what-have-you, but they're something. They're ideas. It'd be cool if I could get things accomplished, but I think I have a sort of self-defeating attitude that prevents me from going through with them. I'm sure some things could at least start to happen, but I first need to really think them through. Right now, they really are just inklings of ideas. I suppose that's just me though. I have a hard time fully forming thoughts. They're all just a bunch of strands floating around in my head. Which I suppose is why I'm still considered "finding myself" or something like that. Or maybe those are two extremely different things. Or is anything really different? Well, yeah. But maybe not. I'm not sure. These are probably inquisitions for some other time. I'm sure they'd be some interesting things to delve into, but that's a lot of thinking. Although I do like to think, there's only *so* much that I can handle.
Now, I'm not sure what to do. There's still a good amount of time to get something done or something, but I'm sort of just tired. I did sleep like 12 hours last night... Well, I suppose I might read because I'm not really in the mood to write (haha, I'm writing right now), but I mean write in the sense of those papers. Y'know. Fun papers due soon. But I mean, there's also a lot of time for them too. I tend to have some good amount/portion of time, which is cool, I guess.
Reading would be a good thing to do now... Yeah. Reading.
Anyways, arrivederci!

Spring?!

Is it finally spring here? Maybe. It's some nice weather that I'm considering walking in and probably going to a coffee shop and what-have-you.
Anywho, a song that perfectly describes this moment: Smith Westerns - Weekend because it is the weekend and it's a real good song. Weekends are never fun unless you're around, too~
And let's see... So, I've been taking supplements, which I enjoy. Is that weird? I guess it's just the whole taking pills thing. Plus, I gotta remember to take them daily or what-have-you. I don't quite follow the directions because I don't want to really "Take two daily twice a day"-type thing. I just take one. That should be at least good enough right? Better than overdosing. Supplements are good, they're nice and stuff. Better than drugs! Listen kids! BETTER THAN DRUGS!
And I realize that my past two posts were me under some sort of influence, but I think I made it sound worse than it really was. I wasn't under any influence of things like weed or coke or that hard stuff. Just know that. And I realize that I made some mistakes - as in spelling and grammar - but remember, I was under an influence. :)
Wellp, so I'm hoping to try to write more in this blog, but before those other posts, I haven't been feeling my best, probably because I'm going through motions in my head. Like: if someone calls you something like say, "whore," should you go to try and change your ways, or should you not care? I mean, context in which things of that matter are said should definitely be taken into consideration, but in my opinion, I don't think it should matter. You should care who you are, and not care what other people think of you - type of thing. Like, if someone says they don't like the music you listen to, should you just stop listening to that music and go to a more, say, "poppy" sound? Or something like that? No. I was there. I used to listen to stuff like Justin Bieber and people are like: ew. You listen to him? And I'm just like: uhh.... yes? But then after that, I took all songs like that off my music list and changed. Looking back, sure I should have embraced it, but then again, things like that have shaped me as a person. I'm sort of happy with who I am now, although I know I'm still going to change, but I'm fairly satisfied with how I turned out thus far, and things like that have changed me.
Anyways, let's hope I figure things out, become a pretty great person who helps people without caring what other people think. Or something like that.
Food for thought, happy thoughts, learning experiences, etc.
Bella Ciao. (That's a song too!)

Why Did I Just Do That?

Wellp. It's now 3:48 and counting in the morning. I'd like to sleep in my bed without the worries of classes or anything, but someone is occupying my bed right now. I mean, sure I can rightfully take it back, but I don't want to disturb this friend or anything. It seems as if they've had a hard time sleeping, so I'm just letting them sleep. Aren't I a good friend? Maybe.
I'm not really sure what I'm doing. Now would be a good time to sleepover at someone else's place. But that'd also be rude of me. I really want to sleep in a warm, comfy bed right now, but it's okay I guess. I just need to get through today. I just need to get through today...
I just need to keep telling myself that. *sigh* it's going to be  a long day. There's no one to talk to at almost-4AM. Everyone is sleeping. Except for the people on the West Coast because it's three hours ahead over there. Whatever!
Anyways, yeah. I don't know why I did that or why I do what I do. I knew that I would have a sleepless night if I let this friend stay over, but I was super tired. I was no fun. I was lonely. Now, they're asleep, snoring on my bed, and that's okay. I guess. I'm just cold, on my floor, with little sad attempts at trying to fall asleep. I don't think it's so much the floor that's making me tired, as so the window being open. I'd close the window, but I fear it'd become too hot then. There's no winning! Now, I suppose I'm just constantly writing in this blog because I cannot do much else and there is no one to talk to. At least I don't think so. Anywho, I'm being super delusional and stuff and can't remember what actually happened and what I imagined happening because I'm so freaking tired. I just need to survive 12 hours or so of consciousness. That's doable. Hopefully. Ugh. I know I'm probably going to be so annoyed at this friend in the morning. Maybe I just need space. People are starting to make me feel weird. This one other friend has been talking to me (a lot more) and it's sort of been freaking me out. I think they want more than a friendship, but I don't. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I just did that. Those kind of things.
I'm sort of hungry, sort of thirsty, but not in the mood to eat or drink. I'm tired. Now, I don't even feel anything - as in drugs - I guess. I'm just super tired. And I just want sleep. Blah. I don't want to wake my friend up.
What is a friend? I don't know. Most of the time I feel like I'm just being used, and maybe I'm fine with that. Whatever works, I suppose. Maybe I just don't care enough to do anything about anything. Like, this one friend just seems to use me, although she's nice and all, she's also mean. I don't need another older sister. And she's just being a jerk to me. It's questionable as to why we're "friends," but I feel like she needs one, so I'm there. I guess. There to just have my ear talked off. To be there as "support" and to just listen I guess. Although, being the jerk-ish friend I am, I don't pay much attention. I mean, all she does is shoot the things I say down and it's like: okay. Now what? I'm supposed to sit there and listen to her whine and complain all the time, but when I whine or complain she pretty much tells me to shut the fuck up? That's cool I guess. Whatever.
Now, I just sound bitter. I'm just cranky and tired. What happened to my happiness? Aw, man. I liked it. Wellp. It's not for another 3 hours until things start to happen. You know? Nothing's happening right now... People are all asleep. I don't want to wake this friend up. I don't want to wake other friends up. I don't know what to do. A walk sounded nice, but I didn't actually go for a walk because of my hunger and lack of confidence. I could've gotten raped! Y'know! I don't know. My bad was also heavy and filled with things and I was unmotivated. As I usually am. I'm probably the most unmotivated person ever.
Anyways, I'm not sure now. It just turned 4. So yeah... Hmm... Tired. Floor. Hard. Cold. Movement. I am drifting through everything right now. But not really. Just tired, not sure if I could keep my eyes open. Not sure if I could handle going to class today.... I don't even know what's going on. I just want to sleep all day now, but that's not going to happen. I also need to do laundry some time soon. Fuck. Why do I feel like people just use me? Why do I use people? Am I really heartless? Do I have no shame? I suppose if I had no shame or anything, I'd be friends with the mail guy by now. But whatever. It'll hopefully happen eventually. I think I should be receiving packages soon. I'm curious as to how the mail works. Hmm... Anyways, what else. I'm just super, extremely tired and unable to wake my friend up because it's rude. I don't know. Maybe they shouldn't have stayed over, although it's whatever I guess. If they enjoyed it. Which I doubt. Because I was asleep half the time. We didn't match up. I'm just annoyed now. Or was. Or will be. I just cannot tolerate people anymore. I don't know. I need to get fixed again. All that progress today (technically yesterday) gone to waste, not that that was progress anyway. I don't know. Too many things happen. I am tired. Good night? Maybe. I have nothing better to do, really. Not that this is a bad thing. I just can't do anything else because that would require more things that I can't handle...
My bed... is occupied. I wish I could be in another friend's bed right now, without having to feel guilty of leaving my first friend (that's sleeping on my bed) here (being my dorm). Oh well. Maybe some other time, when my friend isn't hanging around or irritating me, I'd be with another friend, sharing their bed. That'd be cool. I like comfy beds. I like hanging out with people. I like sleep...
Anywho... I don't know what else to say, except adios!

I'm Fucking Tired

The air of coldness. The lack of being able to sleep. The lack of being able to stay awake. It's a fight, alright. The uncertainty that goes through one's mind is infinite. The want, the feel of just cursing people out. The lack of tolerance. Decreasing with every moment as you're floating through your own mind. There is the feeling of not being in control of one's body. What's happening? You don't want to feel like such a bitch, but you kind of are one. What the fuck? Seriously. Why is this happening? The feeling of just spewing out nonsense. The feeling of everything being shifted. The want to just fall asleep on a cloud, unaware of what's happening in the world. There are expectations of doing things. Shut the fuck up. I'm sorry. What am I supposed to do? Is it me being intolerant, or is it the drugs talking? Is it drugs? What is it?
Man, what's happening? Well, I know what's happening and right now, it's cold as shit. I'm cold. I have class tomorrow, well, later today. What am I going to do? Music is the shit. In a good way. You know.
There's the inability of being able to portray what's really going on because you're mind is sort of just floating in a vast openness, but at the same time, it's racing. Or is it? I don't really know what's happening. I just know that I'm tired as fuck. I want to sleep, I want to walk around in the cold. I need to get work done. *sigh* I don't know what's happening. It's cold. I'm woozy. I don't know what I'm doing.
My head is spinning out of control. It's not like anything much really happened. So many thoughts in my head, none being able to be voiced. My soft-spoken voice, trying with such an effort to get the words out of my mouth. What? I don't even know what I said. I don't know what you heard. I cannot fathom what is coming out of my mouth, what is going on in my mind. There's so much more than what's being said verbally. I don't mean to sound so mean, but I'm fucking tired, man. It's sort of like venting, but not because I can't get it out. "It" being the words from my mouth. You should probably know by now that I get cranky when I can't sleep. Seriously. Maybe that's why I'm such a bitch. I just want to sleep, man. Maybe you shouldn't have come. Maybe I should be doing things. Time is passing by so slowly. Music's pretty great. I still need to get through the day and I have no idea how that's going to work out.
So many things are piling in my mind, in my head, in my thoughts. They're interweaving, but at the same time, I know what I'm thinking, but at the same time, I'm out of my mind. I'm drifting in and out of consciousness, or at least trying to. What can I say? I'm so tired. I can't help it, except now I'm just typing because I really don't know what to do. I think I might want to go for a walk. If I don't sleep soon, I'm just going to be dead for the day, but I kind of expected that to happen. Maybe it's fine, maybe it's not. I really don't have much planned for the day.
Maybe it's misdirected anger. I wanted to talk to a friend earlier today, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm really bad at confrontation. I am pretty horrible at it. I'm still tired, but now, I'm not even sure what my eyes are doing. It's cold. My legs are getting numb. My eyes are tired, but they shall not close. I don't really know. I'm sitting on the floor, cross-legged, but it's fine. I guess. I really just want to sleep, but I suppose I might not because I'd be a bad host. I'm a pretty horrible roommate though too. I don't ask anymore. I wonder what she thinks of me. Maybe I'm shaking. Maybe my feet are getting numb (they're definitely getting numb). Type-type-typing away though. I cannot do anything. But, I guess at least I'm typing. Talking. I like that. I like to talk. I cannot say things verbally anyway much. Maybe I'll ask my friend to go on a walk. I feel bad. Maybe. Hopefully the weekend is good. I need sleep. But whatever I guess. There's that tinge of guilt and the tinge of resentment because I really want to sleep, but I shouldn't. *sigh* I can't help it, I'm sorry. I don't mean it, but also, I might just be pulling stuff from my ass. Maybe I do mean it, but I don't want to come off so coarse, but it does anyway. I'm not really a good person, but whatever. I guess. I really can't feel my feet right now. I don't know what's happening. Well, let's see. The Morning Sun by Gashcat is playing at this moment. Not sure how I feel about that. It's not even the version that I enjoy. But it's okay because it's a good song.
I'm so, so, so tired. I really don't know what to do. I'm totally going to feel like shit later. I just know it. So much for being happy. I was happy. Now it feels just so far off. Like something that's so unobtainable now. But, I do want that feeling again. Maybe the drugs are just throwing me off. There's so much going on, but at the same time, nothing is really going on, but I can't help it. It's still cold. Hm, now Waldeck is playing. Tired. Tired. Tired.... That slant. There's a slant on things. There's a feel of... is it what surreal feels like? Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I'm a bit hungry. My friend was annoying me, but I feel like that's my fault. There's just the sense of inconsiderateness that gets to me. I'm a bad roommate, and I can't help it. Or maybe that's my excuse. I always come up with excuses. But, I can't help it. It's what I do. I don't like taking the blame for things, so I push it onto other people. Hmm... Not sure what to do now. Time's passing by so slowly. I was just out of it on my bed, but now, I'm like: ehhh.... I still want to sleep, forreals, but I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens. Ugh. Ugh. I don't know how I feel. Just... spacey I guess is a good way to put it. Maybe. Tired. I wanted to talk to so many people, but that might now have worked out, especially because I felt like I had no control over anything. Ugh. This song is good (if you hadn't noticed, my mind is constantly switching). Hmmm.. Interesting musics. I think I made some pretty good choices.
Ughhh.... The weekend could not come sooner.
Anyways, I think I'll try to do some actual work now, or something. Maybe I need to be under the influence of things such as drugs to write blogs nowadays, but anyways, sorry. I should get going for now. *rantandrave-rantandrave*

Unbridled Suspensions

Right now, I'm doing all I can to do anything. Not homework though, although I am sort of getting the feeling of wanting to do homework (weird, right?). But yeah I don't know. I'm just zoning in and out of consciousness. Not really. That's a lie. I meant that I'm zoning in and out of wanting to do things, mental states, or what-have-you. I have no idea what I'm doing right now besides writing this. I'm getting paranoid of things - too many people, want for talking, etc. I'm listening to great music, trying to find people to talk to, trying to write a letter back to my cousin (finally).
So I actually got distracted talking to people on Facebook as well as writing this letter to my cousin (which is unbearingly awkward I must say). I've no idea what to say to them and I'm not sure how to say such things, especially because I never know how they react to things considering how my mom's side of the family is religious and everything.
Anyways, I suppose by now, I'm not too much in the mood to just type it all out, but hopefully, it comes again and I'll be able to just write and write and write.
Also, I'm hoping I'll gain the courage to meet the mail guy, especially because I have packages coming soon! I haven't had one in a while, so I sort of feel like I'm avoiding him, but that's okay, right? I'm wondering if we're going to be friends or what. I had a dream that I think said that I should befriend him, so hopefully that'll happen soon!
Uhm, music, music's been good and stuff.
Planning to hang out with people and stuff. Juggling club. Coldness. Indian food? Pistachio ice cream!
Free ice cream. Coffee. Increased mood. Health?
I don't know. At this point, I'm just spewing random words. Mostly because I don't know what to say, but also because my computer is going to die soon and I don't have an outlet near me to charge it. So, yeah. I don't know. Filling space. Filling space. Randomness.
What did my title even mean again? I'm not quite sure. I guess it was just the whole thing with procrastination because I have a 10-page lab report due Tuesday, a 6-8 page persuasive essay due Monday by midnight, some blog posts due by tomorrow, a quiz due Monday with about an hour long video to go with that, and some other things. I think I might have two exams next week. That'll be fun. I should probably get to studying soon. I also forgot a stamp to mail my cousin's letter off - back in my dorm. So yay! Not actually getting stuff done. I'm so *good*.
Anyways, until next time! Ciao!

Plateful of Mouth

Hwhaaat?
Anyway, so I've been wanting to and meaning to write in this here blog for a while now, since I've felt like I've had so much to say, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Don't get me wrong, I've fallen in love with writing (in this blog) and all, but I suppose it's just been hard to write anything substantial (and that might even be a wrong way to phrase it). But what it really boils down to is that I haven't been able to just spill myself onto paper (or rather, just in words in general). Part of it might be my inability to relay how and what I feel or think, but another part might just be my uncertainty of how and what I feel or think. Lately, I've been feeling pretty weird, trying to resolve the conflicts my mind and body have. I've also been having some pretty great moments, talking to friends, being in the moment. Kind of, at least. Most of the times, it's me feeling terrible and not being able to sleep, when all of a sudden, I do something hilarious (not on purpose, mind you), and that makes the day *slightly* better. And, it's the times like those that I cherish.
And I understand that most of what this post probably's going to consist of is a bunch of hooblah, but it's just that I feel so scatterbrained right now. As I'm trying to convey my brain, my thoughts, my essence, I'm getting lost. Even verbally speaking (which I love to do - talk), I find that I'm a loss for words, although I love to talk. I love having the chance to have conversations with people, my friends, my acquaintances. I find that it's easier to just spill my guts. To enjoy the time. To forget my worries and to open myself.
Hey. Actually, I'd like to share this TED Talk that I just watched with my friend because I find it amazing and inspiring and I wish I could be like her, Amanda Palmer:
http://www.ted.com/talks/amanda_palmer_the_art_of_asking.html
This Ted Talk was amazing because I wish I could be so brave to just ask for help. To be able to trust people. To be able to have that connection with people. It has inspired me to go out and try things. To inspire others. To welcome people with open arms. To be loving. To love. To see and be seen.
I thank this friend to have seen the video with me and appreciate, and feel that I cannot express in words how graced I feel to have come upon such a thing.
Now, I'm feeling like I'm getting a bit weird, but that's okay. I think I really need to just accept who I am and how I act, rather than be so self-critical towards myself. I am amused by myself and that is not a bad thing. I should realize the potential I have and use that potential to become something great. Something worthy. Something inspiring. And with that, I think I shall hit the hay and try to sleep.
I bid y'all adieu and hope to pop back in sometime soon.~ xoxo