Erratic Episodes

So, I'm at a point where I always end up. The feeling of annoying people. The feeling of being annoyed by people. It never turns out well. Why am I like this? Do I care? Don't I care? I'm not really sure why it happens, but it seems to be a fairly vicious cycle. I feel like I need space, but at the same time, I think I just need to comfort of people. Which I seem to reject. Because. I sort of hate people. But not really. I think it's just that some people need to give me space, whilst other people whom I want to be hanging out with are busy with their own lives, or that's how it seems. As much as I enjoy being with people, I don't really like becoming close with people. And whenever something close to that happens, I think I tend to just have this force field bubble thing where I just push people away. I back away and put myself in this downward spiral. It's not that I'm consciously doing this, but I'm not really sure.
I guess I sort of can't wait for new things. Being back home after not having been there for practically a year. Seeing what's new if anything. Just having a new old feeling I guess. Having the same ole foods, the same ole people, new experiences though. New mindset. And then I get to be back here with new people, since everyone else is going to be out doing their own things for summer.
I also realized that some of my senior friends are leaving, which I'm sad for. And I know there's that whole keeping in touch thing, but I don't know. I guess I'll try. I was talking to one of my friends about proximity and how the reason why a lot of people are friends are because of the close proximity, which I get. There is that proximity thing. Once the proximity is gone, it's hard to stay friends. I mean, even with the close proximity, it's hard for me to have friends. I mean, maybe I'm back in the mindset where I don't have friends and that happened really quick compared to how happy I was recently, but I guess things happen quickly. Sometimes. I mean, also, I'm hoping to be able to hang out with people in the coming days, but I also get that there are exams and stuff coming up so people are busy. I don't know. I'm sad and lonely now, if I were to have emotions.
I sort of just want to drown. And I don't mean like in water drown or like near-death drown. But I want to drown in knowledge, in emotions (positive), and things like that. I want to be active I guess. I want to participate in life. But right now, I don't feel that connection to do that. I don't know. I don't know many things. Maybe that's my whole ambivalent thing going on right now. I'm always on the fence on things... It's not a good thing, but I feel like it's hard to change such a thing. People make it sound so easy to do things, but it's not as easy as it seems...
I think a lot of self-reflection is going on right now. Or maybe just a whole bunch of crazy. I'm not sure how that's going. Just when I thought I was accepting myself...
Maybe I'm bi-polar or have bi-polar tendencies. Maybe.

In My Right Mind

Maybe I'd prefer to be in my left mind though. That's the more creative side or something, right?
So, once again, I'm listening to several songs at the same time again. I don't know why... It's just that mood I guess. (Animal Collective - My Girls, KnowMads - River Runs Deep, Suuns - 2020, Young Wonder - Flesh, Little Comets - Darling Alistair, Sea Wolf - Old Friend)

Actually, "in my right mind" is just a sarcastic thing really. I'm actually finding myself to be out of my right mind and not in any particular mind. I mean, I'm getting really annoyed at things in general. Maybe it's just that things can't happen fast enough or something. Or maybe I just need some sort of drastic change. Like, my hair's been bothering me and stuff. I think I need more friends. A lot of the people I've come to communicate with have been irking me at times, and I feel bad for that. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm actually unsure about what I want to really write right now, but I would've hoped something would've happened. I guess I waited too long. Oh well. Hopefully the next post is better. Sorry.

I Think My Body Hates Me

I'm pretty sure that's a reasonable thing to think. Right?
I clearly cannot sleep now, so I'm listening to some good music. Y'know. Sea Wolf - Old Friend. Good stuff.
So, I mean, I got about four hours of sleep. I guess I should be proud of my body for that? Maybe? I'm not quite sure what my body's trying to tell me... I can't be the first person to get Asparagus Quiche? (By the way, I really enjoy quiche, and asparagus isn't that bad - in fact, I've grown a liking to asparagus once I tried it, sometime in the past couple years of my life or so - so asparagus and quiche in one sounds quite interesting).

Also, I'm not sure why, but I started thinking of the past. (Oh my gosh. Whooooa.) But what I'm getting at is that I just remembered that I used to have a sort of way of thinking where I considered myself a different person everyday. Like, there's a yesterday me, a five-years-ago me, and the me tomorrow is different from the me today and so on and so forth. And it's not that I don't believe that now or that I exactly do believe that now, but the way I used to think of it could be sort of depressing I suppose in that I would consider the past me as "dead" because I mean, it's pretty true. I'm not the same person as I was and there's not a likely possibility that I'd become that person again because each tidbit of information that I acquire changes me as a person. Each new experience I come across is going to change me as a person. Since I've started college, I've definitely changed. I've definitely been going through changes, and I definitely can't become the same person as I was before then. And that's not a bad thing, nor is it a wrong thing. I'm glad I am the type of person I am today because I find that I have friends. Or, at least, I would like to think I have friends. And it's not that I didn't have friends prior to high school, but there was a different connection (or lack thereof) that I felt with people pre-college. I'm also a different person than I was last semester, but I think there's more of a connection between the person I've been whilst at college with the person I am this semester, than the person I was before college. I think college has provided me with more positive experiences, which I'm glad for. I'm not as afraid to be who I want to be, even if I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I'm not guaranteeing that I'd find myself completely during college, or even at all, but that's okay. I think I a lot more me now, than I was before. If I could, I would tell my past self, "It does get better!" Actually, that's just something I picked up from a show I think. Nevermind. But, it really does. It's not that I had a bad childhood or anything per se, but it wasn't the best. And I'm sure that applies to everyone (okay, truthfully, I'm not completely sure, but well, .... in most cases.). Wellp, actually I sort of just lost what I was saying. (Darn that hair!) Anyways, I think what I was trying to get at was pretty much, things change. And that's fine. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse (wait, that's not re-assuring). Probably most likely for the better. And you just gotta go with where life takes you. When it gives you lemons, trade it for oranges and make orange juice. Or make lemonade, assuming you have sugar and water also. Or take those lemons and use it to season your food (especially if your dining hall gives you salmon and doesn't provide lemon juice for you to put your fish - which I'm not saying happened to me, but it did). Or even, take those lemons to grow more lemons and make a business with that. I'm sure people could use more lemons. (You could be "life" who gives someone lemons! Think about that!)
Well, I hope that was at least entertaining. Maybe. If not, okay. I'll accept that too. No one told you that you had to read this! (Unless I did, then... thanks?)

I think my blog just got 10x cheesier. And the value has just decreased. If this ever had a value to begin with... Wait, what am I saying? OF COURSE IT HAS VALUE. I give it value. P'shaw. No one else gets to say it has any value... unless they're giving it a value of millions (or billions... or more) of dollars. Which I'd be completely fine with.

Anyways. Okay. No more distractions. (Who am I kidding though?)
But anyways, thoughts on the present. Thoughts on the future. Thoughts on thoughts (That's called meta-cognition! The more you know!~ ...But don't quote me...).
I was also thinking of how for my junior year of college, I would like to live in an apartment so I could light incense. (Notice the emphasis on incense. Because I love that stuff. Nag Champa, Sandalwood, Dragon's Blood, Frankincense & Myrrh - you know, the works - and also, when I say incense, I mean incense; None of that oil or cone sh...tuff.) I'm thinking of who I'd want my roommates to be. Like, any friends I know now? I'd probably most likely prefer my own room, but I'd like to share an apartment (aka roommates) with at least one other person. We'd be able to have sleepovers and become closer friends and and and and... yeah? I think ideally I'd want male roommate(s), unless the female roommate(s) are cool, but I find that hard to come across for myself. Some people might think that's weird to have male roommates, even though I'm a girl and all, but gender equality, right? I think we all need to just step away from the notion that it's a bad thing or it's a thing that can't work where guys and gals can't live together in harmony. I mean, not like marriage or anything, but really. I think it can work.
Anyways, off to try and sleep now! I think I'm bothering my roommate with my incessantly loud typing! (What a great roommate I am, I know!)
Adios, amigos!

There Isn't Much That I Feel I Need

Omg. (I'm really hoping you're not pronouncing that as "oh em gee" because it's not. Don't kid yourself, please. (SUBPARENTHESES: That's sort of sarcastic, maybe? So don't take it too harshly. Really. END SUBPARENTHESES)) But really. I say that as in "ahmg(uh)" if you were wondering. As if it were a word. Because it is. You know.

But really. omg. Animal Collective. <3 My Girls. Love that.

There isn't much that I feel I need. A solid soul and the blood I bleed. With a little girl and by my spouse. I only want a proper house.

I don't care for fancy things. Or to depart on the (freshest wave?). (But to provide for one who asks. I will with heart on my fathers grave.?)

I don't mean to seem like I care about material things. Like a social (stance?). I just want four walls and adobe slats for my girls.

So. Actually. This brings up a good point. Well, I'm going to bring up a good point. LYRICS SUCK. And I don't mean these lyrics suck. I just mean that when you can't understand what the lyrics really are it makes things so fucking confusing! Like, all those things in parentheses. I don't even know if they're actually saying that. AND WATCHING THEM LIVE DOES NOT HELP ME. In fact, I understand them less! But that doesn't stop me from loving this song. But really. It's a great song.

Anyways.... I *totally* got distracted about what I was going to say. (Fucking Animal Collective). First off, I guess I just want to say that I noticed that I have almost no problem using profanity through text, but once it comes to saying them verbally, it's a lot more difficult for me to do. I suppose I find some sort of offense to them still, verbally. Or maybe I just feel uncomfortable saying them out loud... At least around people. But yeah. I don't know. It's not that it's a bad thing or anything. But I just don't know... Whatever. Anyway. Anyway. The real thing I wanted to talk about that I don't think I brought up before, is how I started thinking of how I think about certain things. I just recently started pondering more upon my "care" for things. It started off when I was talking to one of my friends at a coffee shop, but that's irrelevant really. So, I was thinking about how I'm not sure if I really care for things, or if I'm actually in denial about caring for things because I do tend to say things like "I don't care" a lot. The more I think about it, the more confused I get. I don't think I really care for much things, but that might just be me trying not to care about things. I'm not really sure about feelings in general I guess though. What are feelings? What are emotions? What is the difference? But yeah. So, caring. I feel like it's a real arbitrary thing. I mean, sure, maybe I do care about things, but to what extent? Also, there's all these minuscule.... things? Not really sure what word I was thinking of... But whatever. Things of that nature! Or something.

Now, I've lost it. Meh. INQUISITION!

(What a way to end that, right?)


EDIT: VERY IMPORTANT!
Good thing I found the lyrics for My Girls on Animal Collective's website. Good thing they have that. I'm glad. I'm now seeing it in a new light with less frustration towards the song.

Isn’t much that I feel I need

a solid soul and the blood I bleed

With a little girl, and by my spouse

I only want a proper house

There isn’t much that I feel I need:

a solid soul and the blood I bleed.

But with a little girl, and by my spouse

I only want a proper house

I don’t care for fancy things

Or to take part in a pressured race.

But to provide for them when they ask

I will, with heart, on my father’s grave

On my father’s grave

I don’t mean

To seem like I care about material things,

Like our social status,

I just want

Four walls and adobe slabs

For my girls

RE: EDIT:
OH. MY. GOSH. THE SITE I GOT THESE LYRICS FROM ISN'T EVEN THE ANIMAL COLLECTIVE WEBSITE. WHAT IS THIS? WHY? WAI?.... :<
THERE IS NOW A WHOLE NEW FRUSTRATION NOW. :(
I GIVE UP.

What Is This?

...This is life.
I guess. So like, I'm supposed to have so many things due and upcoming this week. That's cool and all, but I can't bring myself to do them. I'm not really sure why. I don't really mind them because they have cool concepts and all, but... I guess it's just the process that gets me. Like, 6-8 page double-spaced persuasive essay, cool. I find that this has so much potential, but how many people are really going to take it seriously to that extent? Am I? I don't know. Then there's a 10-page double-spaced chem lab report on natural waters. That, I'm not looking forward to much, but it doesn't seem like it's that difficult. Just tedious. Then, I'm pretty sure I have two exams coming up. FUN. There's a philosophy exam up and coming. There's a psychology exam coming at some time... The professor never really went into that or explained it. Great!
But anyway, yeah. Yeah. Yeah... Lots of things up and up. Oh, my mind right now. It's a funny thing. It's a funny place. I really enjoy hanging out with people and stuff. And talking. And stuff. Oh! Also, I get to schedule courses for the fall semester soon. I'll be excited for that. Once that happens, then I should soon be able to plan for the spring semester. That's not crazy, is it?
Also, I realized that I feel like I might be living in my mind a lot of the times. Even as I'm there, I'm sort of not. And I'm not really sure how that happens. But it feels like a different place. And it's not that I'm purposely doing it. It might be the influence of drugs or something, but I'm not sure. It's not a bad thing inherently. At least, I don't think so. It's actually quite interesting, but there's probably some sort of thing that's off about it. It might actually be some sort of escape, but that's cool too. It's a nice break.
Uhm, what else. I don't know. I feel like I have a lot of goals that I'm thinking up, but I'm not sure how successful those will be. I don't think I fully form my thoughts, or really mean half of them or what-have-you, but they're something. They're ideas. It'd be cool if I could get things accomplished, but I think I have a sort of self-defeating attitude that prevents me from going through with them. I'm sure some things could at least start to happen, but I first need to really think them through. Right now, they really are just inklings of ideas. I suppose that's just me though. I have a hard time fully forming thoughts. They're all just a bunch of strands floating around in my head. Which I suppose is why I'm still considered "finding myself" or something like that. Or maybe those are two extremely different things. Or is anything really different? Well, yeah. But maybe not. I'm not sure. These are probably inquisitions for some other time. I'm sure they'd be some interesting things to delve into, but that's a lot of thinking. Although I do like to think, there's only *so* much that I can handle.
Now, I'm not sure what to do. There's still a good amount of time to get something done or something, but I'm sort of just tired. I did sleep like 12 hours last night... Well, I suppose I might read because I'm not really in the mood to write (haha, I'm writing right now), but I mean write in the sense of those papers. Y'know. Fun papers due soon. But I mean, there's also a lot of time for them too. I tend to have some good amount/portion of time, which is cool, I guess.
Reading would be a good thing to do now... Yeah. Reading.
Anyways, arrivederci!

Spring?!

Is it finally spring here? Maybe. It's some nice weather that I'm considering walking in and probably going to a coffee shop and what-have-you.
Anywho, a song that perfectly describes this moment: Smith Westerns - Weekend because it is the weekend and it's a real good song. Weekends are never fun unless you're around, too~
And let's see... So, I've been taking supplements, which I enjoy. Is that weird? I guess it's just the whole taking pills thing. Plus, I gotta remember to take them daily or what-have-you. I don't quite follow the directions because I don't want to really "Take two daily twice a day"-type thing. I just take one. That should be at least good enough right? Better than overdosing. Supplements are good, they're nice and stuff. Better than drugs! Listen kids! BETTER THAN DRUGS!
And I realize that my past two posts were me under some sort of influence, but I think I made it sound worse than it really was. I wasn't under any influence of things like weed or coke or that hard stuff. Just know that. And I realize that I made some mistakes - as in spelling and grammar - but remember, I was under an influence. :)
Wellp, so I'm hoping to try to write more in this blog, but before those other posts, I haven't been feeling my best, probably because I'm going through motions in my head. Like: if someone calls you something like say, "whore," should you go to try and change your ways, or should you not care? I mean, context in which things of that matter are said should definitely be taken into consideration, but in my opinion, I don't think it should matter. You should care who you are, and not care what other people think of you - type of thing. Like, if someone says they don't like the music you listen to, should you just stop listening to that music and go to a more, say, "poppy" sound? Or something like that? No. I was there. I used to listen to stuff like Justin Bieber and people are like: ew. You listen to him? And I'm just like: uhh.... yes? But then after that, I took all songs like that off my music list and changed. Looking back, sure I should have embraced it, but then again, things like that have shaped me as a person. I'm sort of happy with who I am now, although I know I'm still going to change, but I'm fairly satisfied with how I turned out thus far, and things like that have changed me.
Anyways, let's hope I figure things out, become a pretty great person who helps people without caring what other people think. Or something like that.
Food for thought, happy thoughts, learning experiences, etc.
Bella Ciao. (That's a song too!)

Why Did I Just Do That?

Wellp. It's now 3:48 and counting in the morning. I'd like to sleep in my bed without the worries of classes or anything, but someone is occupying my bed right now. I mean, sure I can rightfully take it back, but I don't want to disturb this friend or anything. It seems as if they've had a hard time sleeping, so I'm just letting them sleep. Aren't I a good friend? Maybe.
I'm not really sure what I'm doing. Now would be a good time to sleepover at someone else's place. But that'd also be rude of me. I really want to sleep in a warm, comfy bed right now, but it's okay I guess. I just need to get through today. I just need to get through today...
I just need to keep telling myself that. *sigh* it's going to be  a long day. There's no one to talk to at almost-4AM. Everyone is sleeping. Except for the people on the West Coast because it's three hours ahead over there. Whatever!
Anyways, yeah. I don't know why I did that or why I do what I do. I knew that I would have a sleepless night if I let this friend stay over, but I was super tired. I was no fun. I was lonely. Now, they're asleep, snoring on my bed, and that's okay. I guess. I'm just cold, on my floor, with little sad attempts at trying to fall asleep. I don't think it's so much the floor that's making me tired, as so the window being open. I'd close the window, but I fear it'd become too hot then. There's no winning! Now, I suppose I'm just constantly writing in this blog because I cannot do much else and there is no one to talk to. At least I don't think so. Anywho, I'm being super delusional and stuff and can't remember what actually happened and what I imagined happening because I'm so freaking tired. I just need to survive 12 hours or so of consciousness. That's doable. Hopefully. Ugh. I know I'm probably going to be so annoyed at this friend in the morning. Maybe I just need space. People are starting to make me feel weird. This one other friend has been talking to me (a lot more) and it's sort of been freaking me out. I think they want more than a friendship, but I don't. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I just did that. Those kind of things.
I'm sort of hungry, sort of thirsty, but not in the mood to eat or drink. I'm tired. Now, I don't even feel anything - as in drugs - I guess. I'm just super tired. And I just want sleep. Blah. I don't want to wake my friend up.
What is a friend? I don't know. Most of the time I feel like I'm just being used, and maybe I'm fine with that. Whatever works, I suppose. Maybe I just don't care enough to do anything about anything. Like, this one friend just seems to use me, although she's nice and all, she's also mean. I don't need another older sister. And she's just being a jerk to me. It's questionable as to why we're "friends," but I feel like she needs one, so I'm there. I guess. There to just have my ear talked off. To be there as "support" and to just listen I guess. Although, being the jerk-ish friend I am, I don't pay much attention. I mean, all she does is shoot the things I say down and it's like: okay. Now what? I'm supposed to sit there and listen to her whine and complain all the time, but when I whine or complain she pretty much tells me to shut the fuck up? That's cool I guess. Whatever.
Now, I just sound bitter. I'm just cranky and tired. What happened to my happiness? Aw, man. I liked it. Wellp. It's not for another 3 hours until things start to happen. You know? Nothing's happening right now... People are all asleep. I don't want to wake this friend up. I don't want to wake other friends up. I don't know what to do. A walk sounded nice, but I didn't actually go for a walk because of my hunger and lack of confidence. I could've gotten raped! Y'know! I don't know. My bad was also heavy and filled with things and I was unmotivated. As I usually am. I'm probably the most unmotivated person ever.
Anyways, I'm not sure now. It just turned 4. So yeah... Hmm... Tired. Floor. Hard. Cold. Movement. I am drifting through everything right now. But not really. Just tired, not sure if I could keep my eyes open. Not sure if I could handle going to class today.... I don't even know what's going on. I just want to sleep all day now, but that's not going to happen. I also need to do laundry some time soon. Fuck. Why do I feel like people just use me? Why do I use people? Am I really heartless? Do I have no shame? I suppose if I had no shame or anything, I'd be friends with the mail guy by now. But whatever. It'll hopefully happen eventually. I think I should be receiving packages soon. I'm curious as to how the mail works. Hmm... Anyways, what else. I'm just super, extremely tired and unable to wake my friend up because it's rude. I don't know. Maybe they shouldn't have stayed over, although it's whatever I guess. If they enjoyed it. Which I doubt. Because I was asleep half the time. We didn't match up. I'm just annoyed now. Or was. Or will be. I just cannot tolerate people anymore. I don't know. I need to get fixed again. All that progress today (technically yesterday) gone to waste, not that that was progress anyway. I don't know. Too many things happen. I am tired. Good night? Maybe. I have nothing better to do, really. Not that this is a bad thing. I just can't do anything else because that would require more things that I can't handle...
My bed... is occupied. I wish I could be in another friend's bed right now, without having to feel guilty of leaving my first friend (that's sleeping on my bed) here (being my dorm). Oh well. Maybe some other time, when my friend isn't hanging around or irritating me, I'd be with another friend, sharing their bed. That'd be cool. I like comfy beds. I like hanging out with people. I like sleep...
Anywho... I don't know what else to say, except adios!

I'm Fucking Tired

The air of coldness. The lack of being able to sleep. The lack of being able to stay awake. It's a fight, alright. The uncertainty that goes through one's mind is infinite. The want, the feel of just cursing people out. The lack of tolerance. Decreasing with every moment as you're floating through your own mind. There is the feeling of not being in control of one's body. What's happening? You don't want to feel like such a bitch, but you kind of are one. What the fuck? Seriously. Why is this happening? The feeling of just spewing out nonsense. The feeling of everything being shifted. The want to just fall asleep on a cloud, unaware of what's happening in the world. There are expectations of doing things. Shut the fuck up. I'm sorry. What am I supposed to do? Is it me being intolerant, or is it the drugs talking? Is it drugs? What is it?
Man, what's happening? Well, I know what's happening and right now, it's cold as shit. I'm cold. I have class tomorrow, well, later today. What am I going to do? Music is the shit. In a good way. You know.
There's the inability of being able to portray what's really going on because you're mind is sort of just floating in a vast openness, but at the same time, it's racing. Or is it? I don't really know what's happening. I just know that I'm tired as fuck. I want to sleep, I want to walk around in the cold. I need to get work done. *sigh* I don't know what's happening. It's cold. I'm woozy. I don't know what I'm doing.
My head is spinning out of control. It's not like anything much really happened. So many thoughts in my head, none being able to be voiced. My soft-spoken voice, trying with such an effort to get the words out of my mouth. What? I don't even know what I said. I don't know what you heard. I cannot fathom what is coming out of my mouth, what is going on in my mind. There's so much more than what's being said verbally. I don't mean to sound so mean, but I'm fucking tired, man. It's sort of like venting, but not because I can't get it out. "It" being the words from my mouth. You should probably know by now that I get cranky when I can't sleep. Seriously. Maybe that's why I'm such a bitch. I just want to sleep, man. Maybe you shouldn't have come. Maybe I should be doing things. Time is passing by so slowly. Music's pretty great. I still need to get through the day and I have no idea how that's going to work out.
So many things are piling in my mind, in my head, in my thoughts. They're interweaving, but at the same time, I know what I'm thinking, but at the same time, I'm out of my mind. I'm drifting in and out of consciousness, or at least trying to. What can I say? I'm so tired. I can't help it, except now I'm just typing because I really don't know what to do. I think I might want to go for a walk. If I don't sleep soon, I'm just going to be dead for the day, but I kind of expected that to happen. Maybe it's fine, maybe it's not. I really don't have much planned for the day.
Maybe it's misdirected anger. I wanted to talk to a friend earlier today, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm really bad at confrontation. I am pretty horrible at it. I'm still tired, but now, I'm not even sure what my eyes are doing. It's cold. My legs are getting numb. My eyes are tired, but they shall not close. I don't really know. I'm sitting on the floor, cross-legged, but it's fine. I guess. I really just want to sleep, but I suppose I might not because I'd be a bad host. I'm a pretty horrible roommate though too. I don't ask anymore. I wonder what she thinks of me. Maybe I'm shaking. Maybe my feet are getting numb (they're definitely getting numb). Type-type-typing away though. I cannot do anything. But, I guess at least I'm typing. Talking. I like that. I like to talk. I cannot say things verbally anyway much. Maybe I'll ask my friend to go on a walk. I feel bad. Maybe. Hopefully the weekend is good. I need sleep. But whatever I guess. There's that tinge of guilt and the tinge of resentment because I really want to sleep, but I shouldn't. *sigh* I can't help it, I'm sorry. I don't mean it, but also, I might just be pulling stuff from my ass. Maybe I do mean it, but I don't want to come off so coarse, but it does anyway. I'm not really a good person, but whatever. I guess. I really can't feel my feet right now. I don't know what's happening. Well, let's see. The Morning Sun by Gashcat is playing at this moment. Not sure how I feel about that. It's not even the version that I enjoy. But it's okay because it's a good song.
I'm so, so, so tired. I really don't know what to do. I'm totally going to feel like shit later. I just know it. So much for being happy. I was happy. Now it feels just so far off. Like something that's so unobtainable now. But, I do want that feeling again. Maybe the drugs are just throwing me off. There's so much going on, but at the same time, nothing is really going on, but I can't help it. It's still cold. Hm, now Waldeck is playing. Tired. Tired. Tired.... That slant. There's a slant on things. There's a feel of... is it what surreal feels like? Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I'm a bit hungry. My friend was annoying me, but I feel like that's my fault. There's just the sense of inconsiderateness that gets to me. I'm a bad roommate, and I can't help it. Or maybe that's my excuse. I always come up with excuses. But, I can't help it. It's what I do. I don't like taking the blame for things, so I push it onto other people. Hmm... Not sure what to do now. Time's passing by so slowly. I was just out of it on my bed, but now, I'm like: ehhh.... I still want to sleep, forreals, but I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens. Ugh. Ugh. I don't know how I feel. Just... spacey I guess is a good way to put it. Maybe. Tired. I wanted to talk to so many people, but that might now have worked out, especially because I felt like I had no control over anything. Ugh. This song is good (if you hadn't noticed, my mind is constantly switching). Hmmm.. Interesting musics. I think I made some pretty good choices.
Ughhh.... The weekend could not come sooner.
Anyways, I think I'll try to do some actual work now, or something. Maybe I need to be under the influence of things such as drugs to write blogs nowadays, but anyways, sorry. I should get going for now. *rantandrave-rantandrave*

Unbridled Suspensions

Right now, I'm doing all I can to do anything. Not homework though, although I am sort of getting the feeling of wanting to do homework (weird, right?). But yeah I don't know. I'm just zoning in and out of consciousness. Not really. That's a lie. I meant that I'm zoning in and out of wanting to do things, mental states, or what-have-you. I have no idea what I'm doing right now besides writing this. I'm getting paranoid of things - too many people, want for talking, etc. I'm listening to great music, trying to find people to talk to, trying to write a letter back to my cousin (finally).
So I actually got distracted talking to people on Facebook as well as writing this letter to my cousin (which is unbearingly awkward I must say). I've no idea what to say to them and I'm not sure how to say such things, especially because I never know how they react to things considering how my mom's side of the family is religious and everything.
Anyways, I suppose by now, I'm not too much in the mood to just type it all out, but hopefully, it comes again and I'll be able to just write and write and write.
Also, I'm hoping I'll gain the courage to meet the mail guy, especially because I have packages coming soon! I haven't had one in a while, so I sort of feel like I'm avoiding him, but that's okay, right? I'm wondering if we're going to be friends or what. I had a dream that I think said that I should befriend him, so hopefully that'll happen soon!
Uhm, music, music's been good and stuff.
Planning to hang out with people and stuff. Juggling club. Coldness. Indian food? Pistachio ice cream!
Free ice cream. Coffee. Increased mood. Health?
I don't know. At this point, I'm just spewing random words. Mostly because I don't know what to say, but also because my computer is going to die soon and I don't have an outlet near me to charge it. So, yeah. I don't know. Filling space. Filling space. Randomness.
What did my title even mean again? I'm not quite sure. I guess it was just the whole thing with procrastination because I have a 10-page lab report due Tuesday, a 6-8 page persuasive essay due Monday by midnight, some blog posts due by tomorrow, a quiz due Monday with about an hour long video to go with that, and some other things. I think I might have two exams next week. That'll be fun. I should probably get to studying soon. I also forgot a stamp to mail my cousin's letter off - back in my dorm. So yay! Not actually getting stuff done. I'm so *good*.
Anyways, until next time! Ciao!

Plateful of Mouth

Hwhaaat?
Anyway, so I've been wanting to and meaning to write in this here blog for a while now, since I've felt like I've had so much to say, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Don't get me wrong, I've fallen in love with writing (in this blog) and all, but I suppose it's just been hard to write anything substantial (and that might even be a wrong way to phrase it). But what it really boils down to is that I haven't been able to just spill myself onto paper (or rather, just in words in general). Part of it might be my inability to relay how and what I feel or think, but another part might just be my uncertainty of how and what I feel or think. Lately, I've been feeling pretty weird, trying to resolve the conflicts my mind and body have. I've also been having some pretty great moments, talking to friends, being in the moment. Kind of, at least. Most of the times, it's me feeling terrible and not being able to sleep, when all of a sudden, I do something hilarious (not on purpose, mind you), and that makes the day *slightly* better. And, it's the times like those that I cherish.
And I understand that most of what this post probably's going to consist of is a bunch of hooblah, but it's just that I feel so scatterbrained right now. As I'm trying to convey my brain, my thoughts, my essence, I'm getting lost. Even verbally speaking (which I love to do - talk), I find that I'm a loss for words, although I love to talk. I love having the chance to have conversations with people, my friends, my acquaintances. I find that it's easier to just spill my guts. To enjoy the time. To forget my worries and to open myself.
Hey. Actually, I'd like to share this TED Talk that I just watched with my friend because I find it amazing and inspiring and I wish I could be like her, Amanda Palmer:
http://www.ted.com/talks/amanda_palmer_the_art_of_asking.html
This Ted Talk was amazing because I wish I could be so brave to just ask for help. To be able to trust people. To be able to have that connection with people. It has inspired me to go out and try things. To inspire others. To welcome people with open arms. To be loving. To love. To see and be seen.
I thank this friend to have seen the video with me and appreciate, and feel that I cannot express in words how graced I feel to have come upon such a thing.
Now, I'm feeling like I'm getting a bit weird, but that's okay. I think I really need to just accept who I am and how I act, rather than be so self-critical towards myself. I am amused by myself and that is not a bad thing. I should realize the potential I have and use that potential to become something great. Something worthy. Something inspiring. And with that, I think I shall hit the hay and try to sleep.
I bid y'all adieu and hope to pop back in sometime soon.~ xoxo

Eccentric Mentality

I reallly, really, really hate my hair. :( I pick at it so much. I should just get rid of it. I hate the feel of it now and everything. *sigh* But anyways...
So, I'm really weird, if you hadn't noticed. I consider myself "quirky," but I'm not really sure if that's the case. Maybe I'm just crazy in reality. Right now, I'm listening to 7 songs on repeat at the same time. And I'm enjoying it. It's really fun and it's maybe a good exercise to distinguish different sounds. So if you're trying to eavesdrop on conversations, maybe it's a good exercise. I'm not exactly sure why  I'm doing that, but it might be because I'm trying to drown my thoughts with all the noise (wonderful noise though).
<3 My Girls by Animal Collective <3 Season Song by Blue States <3 Runaway by Yeah Yeah Yeahs <3 Darling Alistair by Little Comets <3 Oxford Comma by Vampire Weekend <3 Lord Anthony by Belle & Sebastian <3 No More Pirates by Chris Garneau
So, I've been thinking and maybe I'm a polyamorous person for now. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing though. I mean, I'm sure it's bad in the eyes of society, but should I care about that? I've been on the fence of turning off my emotions. I do it, but at the same time, I don't. I'm a fairly ambiguous, ambivalent, apathetic, and vague person. But I don't know. I don't really know much. Although I say I want to be in a relationship, I'm not sure if I'm actually ready for one. Maybe all the people I'm trying to be with are just rebounds. But not in a bad way. I enjoy each of them, but I wouldn't want to have multiple "boyfriends." I suppose it's all FWB (Friends with Benefits). Is that a bad thing? I don't really care though. I mean, I care for them, but not in an extensive way that I'd wrought myself over. I would usually (and I guess I do go through the process of) debating things like whether or not it's "ethical," but I've started to think that all of that is pretty much bullshit. (Oh, and I've also going to begin to curse, if I may). Is it bad that I consider myself a bad person, but at the same time I don't? It's also like how I don't consider myself a slut/whore because I feel that at least I'm being myself. Like, I'm trying to be considerate of people, and it's not like the people I get together with have girlfriends (except this one guy is an exception because he has two girlfriends and apparently no one cares). And it's not like I act like a slut or whore. Like, I'm fairly conservative in how I dress, even if sometimes it could be considered "skimpy." That might sound contradicting, but it's hard to explain.
I suppose I have a lot on my mind, but I could never get everything fully out. I've also been thinking of tattoos that I want. Tomorrow's Quiche Sunday (name I gave to it because my dining hall serves quiche only on Sundays). I guess it's actually technically today. I didn't notice that it's already 5AM in the morning. Wow-ee. I might try to write my papers today (a 10-page lab report and a 6-8-page persuasive essay). They aren't due until next week, but it's better to get them out of the way, right? Also, I've been thinking a lot about the grades I (might) want to get. I think ideally I want to get the Dean's List thing, but should I really work myself up over that? I sort of think I'm only going to barely pass my Chem Lab, and then other classes are up in the air. I think it's definitely doable to get an A in my Stats class, but as for everything else, it's (hopefully) sort of in between grades like B and A- (although it'd be cool to just get A's in all my classes of course). I get to schedule my courses for the fall semester in about 2 weeks, which I'm excited for. I'm thinking of taking 3 courses over the summer, then for the fall, I'm planning to take 3 Psych classes, 2 Philosophy classes, and a language (Russian probably).
Anywaysss... I got distracted and I suppose that's it for now. Hope things turn out well~

Wot Wot?!

If you've read any Redwall, you must know what I'm talking about when I say, "Wot wot." I really enjoyed reading the Redwall series, but that is not what this post is about, sadly enough.

The reason I am writing this post is because I started looking into studying abroad, in England! And I don't understand the whole degrees or diplomas or whatever they call it there! I'm not sure if the Bachelor's Degree is equivalent to the Master's in England, or what have you! So, I'm trying to figure that out, and also which university I'd like to attend. I'm thinking of either Cambridge or Oxford - and I know they're really good/prestigious, so I'm afraid that I might not be able to get in. It's all just a whole bunch of jumble to me. It's almost like a different language. Darn America and the differences between the rest of the world! (If you didn't catch that, it was sarcasm. For the most part.)

Anyways, I've also been thinking of just my education path/future in general. I'm double majoring in Psychology and Philosophy right now, and I'm considering adding a minor in Linguistics. I want to study abroad in England, for whatever certificate/diploma/degree in Education or Counseling Services or something like that, because I want to become a sort of counselor for kids in primary and secondary education. (Is it bad that I'm still confused on the differences between things like primary, secondary, and continuing education?). I mean, I think those are self-explanatory, maybe, but still.... But yes, that is my plan. I might also consider grad school in Portland or something like that. Just a thought. And that sounds like a lot of schooling/learning, but I think I'd enjoy it. I mean, I suppose I should also think about things like: What job(s) would I have in the mean time? Where would I live? How is this going to work out? Etc. But yeah. I'm not sure. I mean, I have time for all that, right? Also, I mean, I guess I might be acquiring such a student loan/debt, but shouldn't I go for what I want to do? Which would be helping other people - in particular students. I would like to be a counselor - helping people figure out how their schedules might look like, if they're interested in certain paths, helping them figure out what they might want to do, etc. - as well as be a tutor or teaching assistant, or something of that sort - because I really do just enjoy helping people, and would hope that's what I would be doing. And I'm sure the pay isn't the best, but is that really necessary? Is it all about money? I think as long as I end up in an at least neutral monetary standing, that would be good enough. I mean, I might want to be helpful for my kids (if I end up having any, which I do want, but I'm scared too...), but who knows what will happen/what the future holds for us?

Anywho, I'm almost dead-tired right now, and I'm waiting to hang out with a friend and crash at their place because I'm tired of my dorm and campus living right now. I guess. So, hopefully all goes well and I'll be able to sleep like a baby, I suppose after a scary movie that we might watch. I'm thinking maybe Psycho, but we'll see.

I (Heart) Music

Right now, I'm really digging My Girls by Animal Collective. Why now? I have no idea. At first, when I put it on my playlist, it was like: Hey, they sound familiar. I might like it. Now, each time I listen to it, I'm like: WHAT SONG IS THIS?! I LOVE IT. As of now, I'm listening to it on repeat and I think that should be a crime. Well, maybe not that exactly, but the fact that I'm just being really turned on by it. Yup. Music is really turning me on, especially now. And also, the video is just so trippy. Another trippy video I realized today was Kites by Geographer. But yes, I've been trying to be more in-tuned with the music I've been listening to, and those I lean towards more, I tend to listen... religiously, repetitively, obsessively. Other good ones I've been listening to recently:
-Runaway by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Karen O - I dig her style - it really reminds me of how I dress, except I could only aspire to dress like her)
-You're Gonna Go Far, Kid by The Offspring (it's really surprising to me that they're such an old band, yet still make great music, and by surprising, I mean I'm amazed - in a good way)
-Oxford Comma by Vampire Weekend (for some reason, I've come across a lot of people who have issues with Vampire Weekend, but they've cranked out some good stuff, forreals)
-Lord Anthony by Belle & Sebastian (this is the song that I've listened to on repeat, and I realized that I started to try and analyze what the lyrics mean, and I love that - there are so many ways to interpret songs and finding out what it was intended to mean)
-No More Pirates by Chris Garneau (because, I don't want your pirates anymore~)
-Thinking of You by Test Your Reflex (by this point, I'm becoming tapped out of what to say)
-Darling Alistair by Little Comets (but that doesn't mean that these songs aren't good - they're great)
And then there are songs that I'll probably always love just because the feel they have with them (aka the fast-paced-ness that I feel with them):
-A Secret Worth Keeping by The Fire Restart (oldie, but a goodie - I love her voice and the contrast)
-Motion Sickness by Call the Cops
-Attack by 30 Seconds to Mars
-Heartilation by Andrew Jackson Jihad (this song helped me decide that I want to become an organ donor)
-Getting Old and Finding Something to Do by Hellogoodbye

These are only some of the many good, great, and wonderful songs out there. But yes, music is life. It is pretty great. They are a great outlet and make things much better. They help express feelings and emotions, as well as lift moods and everything.

(Note: And I get/know that I tend to like a certain type of music, but hey, we all do, right? It's great finding people who tend to like the same type of music as you do, which I find exciting. In most cases, people tend to like some of the music I listen to, but generally say that they're okay, which isn't a bad thing, but...)

Identity Crisis

I don't even know who I am anymore. This is bad. This is very bad. I don't know if it's just because I feel like I have no one to talk to or anything, but I cannot handle my beingness right now. I was looking back at old pictures and all I'm thinking is: "Who is that girl and why does she look so happy?"
I'm not happy right now. I don't know what I am. I don't know how I could be happy. My mind is racing. My mind is stale. I don't know what to make of myself. Why am I like this? What happened to the girl I used to be?
I'm just dwelling in my own filth of a life. Wallowing. Thinking.
Too much on my mind. It's hard to put pen to paper even. I just... don't even know anymore.

...What?

My hands fumbled over the keyboard, trying to figure out what I really wanted to say. What was I trying to say?

Fin.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

We reached for the check at the same time, and our hands touched.

Fin.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

They lived the American Dream in a big house with a white picket fence.

Fin.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I looked towards the swarms of people. All of that chattering. All that noise. And then I realized that I was alone.

Fin.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He realized that she was everything he had ever wanted. Then he woke up.

Fin.

I Am Going To Write A Book

I suppose I've always sort of been set on it, but I want to write a book. I mean, I'm sure I'm not as talented as authors are, and I don't doubt I'm not as creative as can be, but I enjoy writing, and that's what counts, right? Maybe not, but even if I have to write it myself ... I mean publish it myself, I'll do it!
I'm thinking of having different sections. Maybe I'll put things such as my blog posts on there. They can be interesting, I hope. But that's only one part. So, I think it'll just be more of an autobiographical book, but not really, but maybe. I'm not quite sure what entails an autobiography. But anyway, besides things like my blog posts, I'm thinking of having a section where I talk about my beliefs - a.k.a. philosophical views. Things like my thoughts. Maybe a couple of short stories or at least story ideas here and there. Maybe a couple of lists and aspirations. Maybe my bucket list - and if I become famous, there's a checklist next to it, or something like that. Maybe some definitions. Maybe some random tidbits about things here and there. Maybe a whole bunch of randomness.
Anyways, yes, I am going to write a book.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So, also, I've just had a lot on my mind and it's still really hard to put pen to paper. Right now, I'm procrastinating (or am I, well, that's what it always is, I suppose). I could be writing a paper. I could be doing a quiz (which I actually might just do because it's only 3 questions anyway). I could be getting things done while I can... or I could go to sleep. I've yet to fill out my tax forms (they really should have a how-to for this for dummies like me). I've yet to do the FAFSA. I think it might be too late. That's lame. What am I by myself? Why am I lost? Why do I suck people into my downward spiral of a mind and of a life? Why do I have so many questions? Why do I get like this? Why am I lonely? Isn't this depressing? Man. What a life. What a life. People. People. People. I want to watch movies. Films. I think I shall be watching Pulp Fiction with one of my friends tomorrow. That's on the list of Best 250 Movies - which is of course subjective, but I don't mind. I looked through the list and I actually do want to watch a good portion of the films at least. Can I be creative? Why aren't I smarter? I don't think I did that well on my exam that I had today. I don't think I did my homework correctly. It's a group project and I feel like I'm going to let my group members down. I don't know what to do about that. Maybe someone will help me. Am I bad person? There's so many things going on in my mind. It almost hurts, but not really. Because I don't feel. That's a joke. I mean, I was talking to my one friend over spring break, and I feel like we were making progress with me and my being, but then I started acting weird after break ended. I blame myself. But then again, things are just weird. Maybe I'm just a weird person. Well, no, I really am a weird person. Do I make people feel weird? Do I really need to relax? How does one relax? What happens if I try smoking cigarettes? People say that it's addicting, and I don't doubt that, but I feel like I have enough will power to just up and try it and up and leave it. I mean, it really depends on my mood, but I don't think I've ever been addicted to anything. Then again, I've never really tried anything. I want a boyfriend. Hm. I'm broken. I think a lot. People are broken. People have friends. Do I have friends? Why doesn't anyone want to talk to me? Well, I guess it is a Friday night. I should get work done while I can. I wonder when I'm going to be hanging out with the friends I said I wanted to hang out with. I hope I can be friends with the people I want to be friends with. I think that almost happened today. I wore balloons. That was sort of a bad mistake. I didn't quite enjoy it. It was silly at first, but then I started getting paranoid and thinking about all the people looking at me. All the people laughing at me. All the people judging me. I'm fat. I'm so self-loathing. I am in a downward spiral. Why aren't I more artistic? Why aren't I good at anything. I apparently can talk really quickly and can talk a lot. I do enjoy talking. I enjoy writing. I enjoy being heard. Maybe. I'm so indecisive. Maybe I'm just ambivalent and apathetic. Which isn't a good thing. But that's me. I don't know. I don't know... What's wrong with me?
By the way, this wasn't even the half of it. Half of my thoughts are being screened right now. They either aren't appropriate, aren't fully developed, or what-have-you. Good day to you. Good night to you.

Negative Motivation

You know how people say that they have "zero motivation?" Yeah, well, I'm considering myself as having negative motivation. Yeah. It's that serious. This must be the worst week ever. There's so much work to do. I had little sleep. Spring break was great, don't get me wrong. But, really school? You won't open the campus again until right before classes begin again and on top of that, all this work is due? I get that I maybe should have brought my lab homework that I'm stressing over with me during break, but you gotta know that there's only so many things I could bring, and I'm not sure what's more important... Clothes or Work? I mean, at least some professors are lenient and pushed back deadlines for some things.
So, I really just need to get through this lab. I'm starting to not even care. I just need to pass, right? Maybe that's good enough for me. Why are you making me dislike Chemistry, lab? And anyway, depending on if I'm aiming for "Dean's List" this semester or not, I just should hopefully get something like a B- in the class. I guess that means I'd have to do all the other work at least a bit more than adequately. And maybe I should have asked someone for help with this lab, but I think I'm a bit too proud for that. But not really proud. Maybe more like embarrassed.
What else do I have to do this week? Oh yeah, Statistics work. Ew. Ugh. Statistics, really? We have all this tedious work to do and a project. At least there's a buffer between grades. I'm pretty sure I don't have to exert too much effort to get an A in the class. But still. Why do we have a bunch of pointless work? Can someone please tell me that?
I think the only thing I don't mind doing is the paper that I have to write about online deliberation and my reflection on it. That's the assignment that got pushed back. Thankfully. Otherwise it would have been due today during my lab. Or at least by the time before my lab's about finished. Then I would have had to choose between grades and it just came to me today to not do the chem lab homework. Or maybe I should still do at least some of it. I suppose I'm still conflicted about that.
And the only things that I have to look forward to this week are the clubs I get to go to... If I don't forget what times they really are. Like, yesterday, I went to juggling club. But I forgot that the tea club I was going to go to was at 7, not 8. So, it was just juggling club yesterday, which was cool still. Although, the wind was really bothersome. I seriously hate the wind, if I were to hate anything. But anyways, there's also still magic club (not the playing card game), more juggling club, and tea club (lecture portion).
Then hopefully, I'll be able to hang out with friends and stuff. Oh no. I forgot about the exam I also have on Friday. Fun~ Philosophy - Symbolic Logic exam. I mean, I think that I'll maybe do fairly fine. I got the extra credit assignment done fairly quick, if I must say. If it really was a "race," I think I would have finished first, or something like that. But then again, it was Monday after break just ended and everyone's probably brain dead... That's not nice to say, but right? Who does work over break? Anyways, I have to get that homework done too. And I need to do my laundry today. And I still have a sleep debt that's forever increasing.
Anyways, I hope I somehow get cheered up through this week. I hope I have more motivation. Maybe definitely after my chem lab. Four hours? Ugh. And there's group work/experiment today. And and and yeah. LAB.
In summation, happy anniversary to my loving parents. Happy birthday to my friend(s).
Let's hope the day and the week ahead of us gets better for all. Have a scrumdiddlyumptious day.

Restlessness, Is It?

I cannot for the life of me fall asleep. And I can't frackin' stop picking at my hair, goshdarnit. I'm laying in a puddle of my own self-loathing. But not really. And that would've been metaphorical or figurative anyway.
So, as I'm continuously and constantly destroying my scalp and hair, I'm wasting away the time I could be sleeping. And this really isn't because I want to, but because I just can't sleep. For one, my nose or whatever is being a pain because for the past couple weeks, I've felt this thing at the back of my throat, as if I can't breathe fresh air. It's probably just mucus or whatever, but really. It's annoying. I just want to breathe. Fresh air!
My stomach has been hungry for the past 4 hours or so. It's been growling and being hungry. Should I have just eaten? Maybe that's why I can't sleep. But I still don't want to give into my stomach. Stay strong!
*sigh* Anyway, so I've almost finished one book during the gist of my spring break - Ellen's Seriously... I'm Kidding. I've also been pondering about celebrities. Like who manages their accounts on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and things like that. Also, how many people try to impersonate celebrities and why do they do it? Why haven't any of my favorite celebrities replied to my tweets? Especially when it obviously seems like they've been replying to other fans.
Loaded Questions: Why am I fat? Why do I hate myself so much? Why am I a hypochondriac? Why am I so paranoid? Why am I so sensitive? Why am I so fairly emotionless? Why am I apathetic and ambivalent? Why aren't I smart? Why can't I focus on things? Why do I think so much? Why aren't I better at things like juggling, writing, maths stuff, sciences stuff, also aka anything really? Why is everyone so mean to me? Am I really going to become a whore like everyone seems to be saying? Will I get any sleep tonight? (I hope so! Otherwise, I'd probably be pretty dead). Am I going to get a boyfriend soon? Why am I so self-conscious? Why am I embarrassed of my own body? Why do I waste so much money?
So many, so many thoughts. But it's hard to track them all down.
I think I should drink more water. Wait. I KNOW I NEED/SHOULD DRINK MORE WATER. I'm lucky if I happen to drink 2 cups of water in a day.
I think I'm going to research more about supplements.
I might try to sleep soon too so then I can wake up earlier and take a shower and fix my hair and my attitude and be more proactive and stuff like that.
Anyways, cheers to y'all. Hope y'all are doing better. Sleeping well. Having sweet dreams. Being confident. Being awesome. Having great days. Being well-rounded or even specialized in a specific field.
Also. A song that I've had on repeat: Iron & Wine - Flightless Bird, American Mouth.

Bye-Bye-Bye

In regards to Spring break, that is. 'Tis the end of this break. One sweet, sweet break. But, not really. I mean, I got high twice, hung out with some friends, and was bored. I procrastinated on work. It was fairly alright, I guess.
Anyways, so I've been thinking. Well, duh, I guess. But I've been thinking of things like music (people started getting me thinking of specifics of music - aesthetic, instruments, sounds, etc.), homework/work/schoolwork/school/etc. (all that work I procrastinated on and how much work I'm going to need to do), "'murica" (because we're pretty dumb, but so are people in general - sorry general population, but you should know it's true), friends (things I would like to make for my friends - bracelets, scarves, etc. - as well as things such as what constitutes a friendships and the sprouting of new friendships and such), and going back home (oh man, how am I going to get all my stuff back home? Am I going to be leaving anything here? - as in my friend's house or something, that is).
I'm starting to sort of get anxious about all this stuff. Man, man, man. Thinking so much. I'm not quite sure I like it. Wellp, it's quite hard to focus right now, so I shall be taking some supplements and hopefully start being more productive.
Check in next time!
(By the way, that last post I made was really, really, really long, and descriptive, perhaps?)

Walmart Challenge

“Cinnamon gets my rock off every time”

Time: 2:58AM – Just got back from Walmart. We are sitting or moving around in the living room of my friend’s apartment.

Time: 2:50AM – Just entered the apartment. I had checked facebook and I think if I remember correctly, Bart had sent me a message at 7PM-ish with a face – like eyebrow.

Time: 2:27AM – Checking in at the register. My friend goes first to check his stuff out. It was nice of him to buy the teas and one cereal. So I guess some of the pills were his not that I was really paying attention to that. The people behind us in line were really annoying. I think it was a guy and a girl. A gay guy? I didn’t check. It was awkward.

Time: 3:01AM – Offered cereal. Yes, I shall have some cereal.

Time: 1:20AM – first time check – don’t quite remember what happened

Time: 1:24AM – started walking to walmart.

Time: 1:46AM – arrived at walmart and looked at the fruits section. My friend got apples and oranges.

Time: 1:52AM – started looking at things such as teas – picked out which ones I would get – ended up with something like Vanilla Chai and Honey Vanilla Chamomile. Saw that vanilla chai is a black tea. Second highest caffeine.

Time: 1:59AM – checked out crackers. Forgot which one we ended up getting. Ritz whole wheat? Looked at Club and the other one.

Time: 2:05AM – looked at chocolate. Got dark chocolate (well, my friend did at least)

Time: 2:15AM – Macklemore started playing. Thriftshop. Then we were also looking at the supplements. Ended up getting some. Then getting caffeine.

Then we got milk and then headed to the register. Slowly.
Time: 3:06AM – Now, back at the apartment. About to eat cereal.

The paranoia that rises when one smokes. It’s really intense. Seriously. Apparently, if I remember correctly, my friend and I are going to smoke cigarettes some time. There was some talk about picking up cigarette butts off the ground to smoke them still (if I remember correctly). Let’s see how this night started off (it is now the following morning – so this is all in retrospect and may or may not be accurate).

Before heading to Walmart. Smoking through a bong. Not really feeling anything, so I decided to lie down on the bed so that my head was hanging off. Closed my eyes, breathed in deeply, or tried to at least. Started feeling the effects. Not as bad as the last time. At some point, I used the bathroom. We were in the living room. I asked for water. I chose a brown plastic cup. (This might have been after we got back from Walmart actually). We’re doing a different version of the backward dog. Is that what it’s called? Or is it like upside down dog? I’m not sure. That one yoga pose though. There’s something about the blood flowing to your head and something about carbon dioxide opening your blood vessels. It took us a while to actually get to Walmart. Meh. It was fun though, yet scary. The walk there… and the walk back… is terrifying. I get so paranoid that there might be some serial killer on the loose just waiting for us. And how would we react? Two high kids unaware of what’s going on. Would I be able to feel the knife slice my arm? Who knows. Good thing I’m still alive though.  Well, we’re still alive. In the first couple minutes of walking, we passed by two people near the bus stop. And I didn’t want them to know that we weren’t sober, so I kept my distance. But, anyway. So, we walked to Walmart and got a cart. I kept my purse/bag on my persons because I didn’t feel it was safe enough to put in the cart. If someone stole it, I wouldn’t have been able to do much. Only one side of the store  (doors speaking) was open. It was like one in the morning so that makes sense. When we got to the tea aisle, we encountered our first person (pretty much). It was a Walmart employee and it totally seemed like he was staring. “He knows!” But anyway, we spent a while looking at teas. I was trying to figure out which ones I would actually enjoy trying. There’s Vanilla Chai, fruity ones, peppermint, lemon, green, chamomile, Lipton. I say something like how the fruity ones sound nice, but I don’t think I’m ever really in the mood to drink them, not that they’re bad or anything. We ended up getting those two (Vanilla Chai and Honey Vanilla Chamomile if you forgot). We looked at cereals. I forgot to mention that. I wasn’t sure which “high-fiber” cereal I should get. We ended up getting two boxes, but there was one that sounded more interesting to me than the other, and the other also just looked like pet food (cat/dog food). But my friend said that the taste is worth it. Like, what it lacks in aesthetic, it makes up for in taste. Something like that, maybe. Or maybe I’m just making that up. And then I also got a guilty pleasure of Oops! All Berries, Capt’n Crunch cereal. :D After that, we looked at crackers. There’s Town House and Club. We’re seeing which ones are fit for peanut butter. I was thinking that the Town House Toppers multigrain would be good, maybe, but I’m not really sure. I was going to say Ritz was good originally, but I wasn’t sure if my friend wanted that one or a different one, since there was Ritz at his place at one point. We ended up with Ritz, and then we went to check out some chocolates. I thought he meant the Lindt type chocolate, but we ended up looking at chocolate bars. I think there was a Belgian chocolate bar that looked nice because it was big and had a pink wrapper. It was dark chocolate, but I think it was also sweetened. I think my friend got an 85% dark chocolate cacao bar thing. It wasn’t Lindt, but some brand that I’m not quite familiar with. Then we headed to the supplements aisle. I forget what song was playing at the time (it was a song I knew – they were actually playing pretty decent music the whole time we were there though), but then Macklemore’s Thrift Shop came on and I thought of my other friend. I looked at the different supplements. Daily vitamins. Caffeine. (Immediately before finding the caffeine, I had a bit of trouble finding my friend, even though the caffeine/Tylenol/headache/pain reliever medicine was two aisles down). I actually wasn’t sure if my friend was there, but I just had a moment where I was like: caffeine is probably with the pain relief medicine! And he just happened to be there. He really could have been anywhere else. Anyways, we got things like Korean gingko or something like that, fish oil, etc. etc. He got things like St. John’s Worts and motion sickness pills? I guess. Whatever floats his boat. And then we almost forgot the milk, but good thing I remembered. The lady at the register was nice. I’m pretty sure it was register 15. It was the only lighted register. All the self-checkout ones were closed. And then we walked back to his apartment. Good thing we got milk. We ate some cereal that he already had. It was some berries one. I think the brand is Kashi. It’s not the Go Lean one or whatever. It’s like frosted mini wheats except healthy. Healthier? But yeah. Had some of that. We had some cinnamon almonds. Right, he got that also. Eventually, we went to his bedroom and laid down and stuff. He eventually left! That jerk! Whatever! Haha, just kidding, but whatever. I guess I snore. It’s not my fault! But apparently he had a hard time sleeping with all the light and whatnot. I was falling asleep at like 4 in the morning, maybe 5ish. Or maybe 5ish is when he left the bed to the couch. But then I woke up at about 9-10ish. The friend that I’m staying with (that lives closeby) texted me saying that I better not be late for the bus. We’re going to our favorite café because it re-opens today. I want my quiche! But yeah, I got up at about that time. My friend was still asleep on the couch. I didn’t want to wake him, but I was bored. I eventually got my book from my bag and read some. (Ellen DeGenere’s Seriously… I’m Kidding). And then eventually got my laptop to try and relay some of this stuff to ya. And then we laid in bed at some point. And then I had to get ready to get back to my other friend’s place because my stuff is there. I kind of wanted to try the cereal and the teas, but it’s cool. Maybe some other time. Things always are on my mind, so yeah.

But yes. That’s the gist up ‘til now. Hope you enjoyed the long, tedious story of me trying to remember things.

P.S. The paranoia is real bad. Real, real bad if you didn’t catch that before. Everyone knows!

Jealous Attention(Whore)

And obnoxious at that.
So, I'm admitting that I'm an extremely jealous person and an attention-whore. And I know that these are bad traits to have, but I can't help it. I like receiving attention and talking and all that (not that I like hearing myself talk, but I suppose it's more like I like being heard). And I also get jealous of things that I suppose, seem to try to steal attention away from me... *sigh*
What am I talking about? Well, I'm specifically actually referring to this one friend that I have. She's a doll really. (This is a different friend from the venting). But this friend. This friend. She's a real dork. And I don't mean that in a bad way. She's also a nerd. Also not meant in a bad way. I'm jealous of how smart she is. And how innocent she is (to an extent - jealous to an extent of this innocence). But the thing that really gets me is that it seems like she's getting undeserved attention. Like, she has League of Legends on her laptop, but she didn't even really play much. I mean, I played that game too, but I don't have it on my laptop, nor do I play it anymore. And the rest of my family plays that. My family's a bunch of gaming nerds. So, the thing that gets me is that it seems like she plays, when she doesn't actually play (not that I actually know, but I don't think she does anymore at least - and it's not like she played extensively when she did). I don't know. I'm just crazy. Really.
I get that I'm not a real gamer (at least not anymore), but she isn't either. It's not that I'm embarrassed of it either or anything, but that's a pastime for me. I used to play games, I enjoyed it, but I just don't want to get sucked into that sort of thing at this moment.
And then, this friend. She's so dorky and awkward. And then it seems like she steals all my friends. She meets all these people through me and then goes on and becomes friends with them. I mean, I get that's like the process of making friends, but they were my friends first. And now I suppose there's also a possessive part to this too. I get possessive of things. I know this. It's bad. But, I mean, I can share. But... I've been in a club for weeks, months, what-have-you, and I ask her to come to a meeting, and all of a sudden, she's in the club and friends with everyone too? But not even close friends with anyone in the club, yet everyone seems to talk to her more than me. What is this? I don't know. Maybe it's whatever. I don't know. Maybe I'm just really crazy, really paranoid.
But I suppose it's just that this friend. This friend is likable compared to my obnoxious, crazy, insulting, heartless self. Maybe she deserves the attention, but I just can't help but be jealous, possessive, etc.
I don't know.

Venting - 001

Am I really going to be venting up to the 100s? I'm not really sure. But this is a venting post. Obviously. Why? Well, I mean, really. That doesn't explain much actually, but it's just that I have this one friend that's been bothering me. My day's actually been quite alright beside that fact. But seriously.
I have this friend who is letting me stay over at her house. In her closet. But I'm not complaining about that because it's actually quite a comfy closet beside the air mattress, which is slowly deflating, and no one knows where the air pump for it is. So, it isn't that. And I'm grateful that she's letting me stay over during the break. It's nice.
So, what am I venting about? Well, she constantly (this might be a bit exaggerated) whines or complains about things. She's at work, and I'm at her place, and she chats with me on Facebook... while working. And she's complaining about her co-workers who aren't doing much. And I mean, I get  that her co-workers aren't the nicest bunch (and by nicest, I don't mean that they're mean - which they can be - but they're not the ideal bunch you want to be with). Like, she can complain about how they don't do any work and she does so much work, which I believe, but why does she have to complain to me? And why does she have to whine about wanting coffee? And how she hates her job and her co-workers and her life? While at work. Really. I'm sorry. I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I can say to help you.
And what's really on my mind right now is that she has the audacity to ask me for my school log-in information to check her email. It's just her email and it's just because she is bored. I'm sorry that I'm protective about private information. I "clearly don't trust her." And that's the truth. But that doesn't mean she's the only one I don't trust. I don't trust anyone. And she must not get that because I obviously have friends. (I do have friends, but I just generally don't trust anyone). "There's a difference between giving [her] that info and logging into a computer for [her]." I told her that. And there completely is! I would not mind logging into a computer for her, but asking for my information? And at this point, it's not just about trust. Like, who does she think she is? Does she deserve my information? Thanks for letting me stay at your place and all, but I don't think that gives you the right to know such information. Are you tracking my menstrual cycle too? (This is complete nonsense - kind of - right now). But, really. The things I do for this friend. I just went to Walmart and got her some stuff. Tissues for her house - since there isn't any, milk because we ran out (a different friend gave me a half gallon that I brought to this friend's house and she devoured half of it the first day she got back with the Nesquik mix I bought), almonds that I like and let her try and she also likes, a can of soup that she wanted the last time we went to Walmart. And I didn't buy these things as an apology, but just because I thought she would appreciate them or something, but she obviously doesn't appreciate my friendship. Even though I also gave her $60 for the convenience of staying at her place, and bought her dinner the other night. Literally. Like, I share my food and stuff with her too, and she gives me this attitude for not giving her personal information. Ask for my credit card numbers at that, why doesn't she. She must not get that if I give her the information, it's going through the internet because it'd be through text message and if something happens to that information, who knows what. It's not that I don't trust her and think she's going to do crazy stuff on my account at school, it's that former thing. And she doesn't get that. And that makes me mad. But this is why I'm getting my anger out now. Which isn't really anger I guess, but more of an annoyance that I can't have when she's back, although I just don't want to talk to her right now. She threatened to not get me alcohol because of it. And the thing is, I don't really care for the alcohol anyway though. It'd just have been a nice thing to try a wine cooler, but I can wait anyway. And she judges me for wanting to try one. Like, whatever, really. Who cares if I want to try one? Who cares if you think it's lame? It's for me and it's whatever. WHATEVER.
This is why I'm not caring about things. People like that.
And Asian people! Why am I so irritated and annoyed at Asian people? Why are they so obnoxious? Why?! They seem so clingy and dependent on each other. So loud and obnoxious. I don't like them. I don't want to be friends with them. Sorry! (I mean, I am willing to, if they're cool, but in most cases, they are not).

But really, my day was cool. I talked to some friends. I got some surprise presents for the friend who gave me the half gallon of milk. I had a nice conversation with this guy in juggling club who I normally find insulting or something of that sort (because he's at my hometown!). It was nice to discuss my hometown and such things with just someone. And our conversation wasn't bad at all - which it normally is weird and awkward. And I saw people from a club I started going to. The Tea House club! At first, I just recognized this one guy from one of my classes last semester, then I realized it was the club! They passed right by me, but it's okay. I mean, I only really went to like two meetings so far. But yeah. That was cool. Apparently they were going to the same place I was going to with my friend, but that place ended up being closed. Then I went to a different place with my friend, and I think the club went to a different place too, but I didn't want to be creeping on them, especially because there were other things at hand. Like, feeding squirrels. I got some cool videos and pictures of me feeding a squirrel, but my friend was also whining about getting her life together. It was cold outside. I was feeding squirrels or at least trying to and she was just complaining and whining about her life. I mean, things happen. Really. Calm down. Please. *sigh*
Anyways, I think that's enough of venting for now. At least, that's all I think I have to vent about for now.
So, hopefully the next post is back to normal. Thanks for tuning in!

EDIT: Also! ALSO! She told me that strangers aren't allowed in the house. And by that, she means people she doesn't know. And duh. I mean, I know that. Why would I bring someone she doesn't know into the house, or anyone at all really? She doesn't trust me either because she said so not once, but twice! She clearly doesn't know my courteousness because it'd be completely wrong to bring strangers into someone's home. Duh! The nerve this girl has.

RE: EDIT: And! She doesn't appreciate that I help her wash her dishes when her own roommate doesn't even do so! I helped her wash dishes that weren't even used by me. I poured her wine before. I made her a drink to try. All I do is try and help. And here's my thanks.

Reliving Reflections

Not sure if that really makes sense, but whatevs, right? Anywho, I just wanted to check in since the last time I posted something... If you hadn't noticed, I was "high" when I wrote that bit. Re-reading it/looking back on it, I actually find it somewhat poetic, eh? I don't know. It was amusing though. I just remember being super scared and super paranoid. Not sure if I'll do something like that again anytime soon. It was interesting though.
Something I learned: I snore really loudly (according to my friend). I mean, I also "learned" a lot of other things - mainly about myself, I suppose, but that's maybe for some other time (but in reality, I probably just can't quite remember it, nor could I relay it in words coherently).
I've been sleeping for long periods of times and it's getting me so out of sorts. I suppose it started since the weekend - start of spring break. But then again, that's when I first got high. Then I also got my period the next day. Fun~
I've been watching Shameless (US), as well as getting caught up on all my other shows that I watch, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, Vampire Diaries, etc. etc. I haven't been watching Doctor Who though and that's making me a bit sad, but I feel like I haven't been in the mood to watch it. I wonder why...
So let's see... I've been sleeping immensely. Probably 12+ hours at a time. I've been having headaches. Super hungry, but that might just be my fattyness - or empty eating. Forgetting to turn in this library book, which is now overdue. But it's cool I guess. Only $0.25/day fines. I'm hopefully turning it in today. Today, I should be eating Indian food with my friend! Yay! I like Indian food, plus, pistachio ice cream, which is delish! Love that stuff.
I find that it's getting more difficult to write long posts like I used to. *sigh* I guess I just don't have as much to say. Or maybe my mind's just going down the poops. Well, that's not a good phrase, but I don't know how else to word it... That proves it, right?
What else have I been doing? Procrastinating on stuff.... Being not smart. Meh. Self-(insert a bunch of words) - meaning (self-loathing, self-pitying, etc.).
Oh well, anyway. Until next time!

Getting Hot Hot Hot.

So... I've been hanging out with this one friend of mine, and we've been trying to get me high I guess. I suppose I am. It feels super weird. I guess kind of like Kurt Vonnegut because time is linear, or what was that. It's kind of scary because things are happening at once, and it's hard for one thing to stay in one place. I decided it was a good idea to write now because of the sensations I am feeling. I'm not exactly how sure what time it is or something like that.
The room is spinning. My arms are warm. It's cold though. We're listening to music. I'm moving, like my head is spinning. I am in my head, but not in my head. "Just blogging, while high on a Friday night."
We are listening to Chopin. I am on the bed on my laptop. Only 6 minutes have passed. It was 11:06 or something. Then, 11:28. Then 11:31. 11:33. 11:34. The room is spinning. I see everything, but blackness at the same time. My legs kind of feel numb. I'm thinking about each and every moment, feeling like a bunch of dimensions flowing from one another in a linear, circular fashion. It was then. Then is now. We are lying down on the bed... kind of. I'm tired. I'm awake. The room is spinning, I'm moving, I'm spinning. Half of the time, my eyes are closed, yet they are open. Ambiguous, ambivalence? Chewing gum. Hmmm....
Not sure I like this feeling. There's a weird warm feeling in my chest. It feels like I'm not in control of anything. Even with my glasses on, things are blurry. There's a warmness in the middle of my chest. I twitch sometimes. It's a bit cold. It is 11:37. I shall be having brunch with another friend at about 11. I need to get up early then. I don't know where my phone is. I found it. With my other stuff.
I'm kind of scared of now. Everything is happening at once. It was then. It's now. My battery might almost be dead. Hmmm..
Manmanman. Time's passing by so slowly. I wonder if I'll remember all this in the morning.
I guess we'll see.
Please tune back or something.